


HeroStuck

by DippertheShipper



Category: Homestuck
Genre: But not alot, F/F, F/M, Gen, Implied Child Abuse, M/M, also polyamorous davejadekat, also unbelievable amounts of meta, and also some violence, as this story isn't primarily romance, like no seriously ALOT of meta especially earlier in the story, most of the shipping isn't until later on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2018-05-24 15:25:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 41,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6158068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DippertheShipper/pseuds/DippertheShipper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and the gang in a superhero AU, in which they are a super heroes living in the Big Apple! They will gain mysterious powers, meet other heroes (and villains), and possible save New York City, or maybe even the world! However, they have a long way to go. Everyone is happy and mostly not dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ENTER NAME.

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy!

 

**ENTER NAME.**

 

“Agh!”

John woke up in a cold sweat. For some reason, he felt like he needed to do something. Something…..important. He tried to stand up.

    “Woah! Head rush!” He cried.

John flopped back over onto his bed, making sure to avoid crushing the stuffed bunny lying there. How he loved his dear, sweet, bunny. That bunny was the best birthday present his friends had ever given- His friends! John bolted upwards.

Quickly, John clambered out of his bed, only to fall face first on the floor. With a quick adjustment of his glasses, John picked himself up and rushed over to the adjacent room, where his cousin was staying.

“Jade! Are you alright?” John exclaimed.

Jade sat up. “What are you talking about, John? Don’t be silly, I’m perfectly fine!” She said as she stepped out of her bed.

“Oh. Sorry.” said John. “I just…”

“Nightmares again? John, I know you’re upset from the accident, and I know we shouldn’t have been messing around in Grandpa Harley’s lab, but you are acting very strange for no reason at all!”

John kicked at a stray Tangle Buddie™, sending it flying across Jade’s brightly colored room.

“I dunno, Jade. We were just in a big lab accident, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from movies, it’s that weird and special things happen after big lab accidents! So I’m just saying, we should definitely keep an eye out for any sort of danger or weird stuff.”

“John, that is even more silly! You are all worked up just because of your stupid movies! I’m fine, Dave and Rose are fine, and you are perfectly fine as well! I’m sorry that you feel so put off, John, but you should do something other than fret in your room all day long.”

“Okay, okay. You win this round, Harley.” John teased. “Can we at least go see Dave and Rose? I think we should, just in case.”

Jade sighed, and began brushing out her long, messy hair. “Okay. I suppose there isn’t really a bad reason to say hi to some friends.”

“Sweet! But, I guess you’re right. Maybe I should get my mind off this whole mess.”

While Jade was busy arranging the trip with John’s dad, John ran off into his room to grab his things. Grabbing his bag, he began shoving in anything he thought he might need. His PDA,  a clever disguise, some smoke pellets, and a delicious box of Gushers were all tossed into his backpack. Before long, he couldn’t help but losing himself in thought, a rather uncharacteristic action for him.

He knew he probably shouldn’t worry too much about the accident. After all, they were all alive, intact and nobody was showing signs of radiation poisoning! Plus, Jade reassured him of everyone’s safety. Jade’s gut instinct was almost always right, and if she said that everything would turn out fine, it usually would. But still, something nagged at him. Something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He knew something fishy was going on at Skaianet Laboratories…

“John! It’s time to go!” Jade called out.

Grabbing his bag, John rushed to the door on the other side of the room. Just before he crossed the threshold of his room, he screeched to a stop. He wasn’t sure why, but he walked over to his nightstand and picked up the only treasure garnered from his escapades in Grandpa Harley’s lab. The flamboyantly colored hammer was slightly heavy, but balanced perfectly in his hand when he picked it up, like it was made for him to wield. With some considerable effort, he shoved it into his bag along with the rest of his things. Something told him he shouldn’t leave home without it. This, of course, was ridiculous! Why would he need a war hammer to go and see some friends? It wasn’t like they were going to be in any danger anyway.

_Bluh,_ He thought to himself. _Might as well bring it. Rose might have something to say about it!_

He heaved the bag over his shoulders and rushed down the hallway of his house.

“John! Hurry up, we’re about to leave!”

“Don’t worry, Jade, I’m heading to the car right now!” John responded.

A gust of wind greeted him as he opened the front door. The sun shone down and warmed his body as he stepped outside and stretched. It truly was a lovely day outside. Good thing he could leave his house to see it! John was very glad that he wasn’t... What’s the word….

Housetrapped. Yes, that was it.

_John, be the flighty broad._

_What?_ John thought. _Why would I-_

_BE THE FLIGHTY BROAD._

 


	2. BE THE FLIGHTY BROAD.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I was a bit busy. Enjoy!

**BE THE FLIGHTY BROAD.**

Rose Lalonde ran her fingers over the smooth surface of her wand. Her fingers gently traced the grain of the wood as she examined them in her hand. The wands gave off a dark aura, not something one could see, but rather something one felt. In fact, they nearly hummed with energy in her hand. She brought them closer to her ear. Ever so faintly, she could hear whispers emanating from it, almost as if they were speaking to her, saying-

"ROSE EFFING LALONDE!"

"Why, hello, Dave. How very nice to see you too."

Dave's face reddened to the point that it almost matched his shirt.

"Damn it, Rose, this isn't the time for your mind games. Seriously, you've gotten _John_ worried about the accident. Last time I saw him this riled up, Nic Cage went and pulled a shitty movie about crusty old presidents out of his ass or something. Wasn't even the original, it was like a sequel or something. Long story short, it was the most god awful thing to disgrace our nation's name, and John probably loved it. Look, I'm getting off track here. Rose, you need to get you shit together and take some responsibility."

Rose looked him dead in the eyes, as best she could through his ridiculous shades.

"Dave, how on earth was I supposed to know that Mr. Harley's equipment was to go haywire? I certainly didn't think that would have been the result of a couple of children snooping around."

"Oh sure you didn't. 'Hey, Dave, why don't we explore the creepy old lab by Mom's house? It'll be fun. Shit, let's drag Mr. Random Button Pusher McOh-What-Does-This-Do into this mess too. Oh dang, almost forgot to bring along Harley's kid for the ride! Wouldn't be a break-in without a relative of the guy we're robbing!'" Dave mocked.

"Now, Rose, get your ass down there so Egbert doesn't think you've transformed into into some hideously mutated monster. Not your garden variety hideous mutated monster either, we're talking gross scaly skin like an old man's testicles, with all the sick spikes running up and down your back, and a gorgeous face like Old Man Winter's puckered asshole." Dave said.

"Fine, then, Dave. I get the picture. A little too well, in fact." Rose muttered.

"Just get your snooty butt down there." Dave said. "Jeez, now I'm all jittery too. Damn Egbert and his contagious nerves."

Dave promptly left Rose's room and headed downstairs to the living room.

Rose sighed deeply. She did care about the two cousins and her brother, but her mother had been employed at that lab for some time now, and refused to tell Rose what she was working on. Probably just another one of her passive-aggressive jabs at her, and a good one at that, but Rose couldn't have afforded to take chances. Besides, it was actually Jade that brought up the idea of breaking into the lab.

Dismissing this train of thought, Rose began to head down the long carpeted hall to the stairs. If her mother were to be hiding to spring an attack in her passive aggressive war against Rose, now would be the perfect time for her silhouette to suddenly light up against a flash of lighting. This, of course, was stupid. It was a beautifully sunny day out, and her mother, sneaky as she may be, would have no reason to be hiding against a window.

Finally, Rose reached the living room area, where all her friends were waiting. Conversation was a little bit awkward with her mother's giant stone wizard gazing down vacantly at them all, but Rose managed to speak up for all of them.

"Well, then, John, would you care to explain why you brought us all here today? Perhaps we are starting a club for people who have nothing better to do than steal old men's science projects."

"Ha ha, very funny Rose," John responded dryly. "Actually, I just wanted to check on you and Dave, and make sure that everyone was okay! I know it's pretty ridiculous, but I've been having some pretty strange dreams lately, and since we were just in a lab accident, you never know what sort of strange shenanigans might be going on!"

"Dreams, did you say?" Rose inquired. "Please, John, do go on."

Slumping on the couch, Dave said, "Well, now you've gone and done it. It's time for the Psychobabble Therapist Show starring Rose Lalonde. Watch as the amazing Dr. Lalonde whips out her notepad and analyzes what could possibly be the only person on the planet with no mental issues whatsoever."

"Hush! Now, could you please elaborate on the nature of these dreams?"

John perked up, looking excited to be involved in a conversation.

"Well, Rose, we were all in the lab. I was watching us poke around, and then Jade and I found that weird closed off section of Grandpa's lab! You remember it, right? It was all spooky, with those four weird symbol on the buttons, and that huuuuuge screen, and-"

"John," Rose interjected. "I was there. You don't really need to describe what happened."

"Right, right." John continued. "For the most part, everything went more or less like it did in real life, but…. Well, in my dream, we all died. The machine went haywire, sending bolts of of electricity until… I don't even want to think about it. We didn't really die this time, I guess. Normally, I just wake up when we all die, but things went a little differently this time, I dunno why. Right as I thought we were absolute goners, there was a really bright flash of light, and a whole rainbow of colors surrounded everyone! These little doodads on the monitor started to glow brighter and brighter, until I could barely look at them anymore. Then, the whole room got so bright that I woke up! The whole thing was just really weird. You know stuff about dreams, Rose, what do you think?"

Rose sat up in her seat. She wasn't quite sure what to make of the ordeal, but she knew whatever it was, it was certainly important. This prompted further, more in depth investigation. Immediately.

Before she could do that, however, something nagged at the back of her mind. Something that sounded almost like-

_Rose, be the insufferable prick._

_No,_ Rose thought. _I will do no such thing._

_Fine then, Rose, be Dave Strider. Better?_

_What?_ She thought. _The notion is ridiculous! I cannot "be" Da-_

_Dammit, BE THE INSUFFERABLE PRICK._


	3. BE THE INSUFFERABLE PRICK

**BE THE INSUFFERABLE PRICK.**

Dave was the coolest kid in town. And that was saying something, seeing as he normally lived in the fourth largest city in America. Normally. As of now, he was with his sister and mother in upstate New York, who ran his stay down the toilet almost immediately. Naturally, Rose had to go poke around in a mysterious old lab, just to satisfy her curiousity. Dave thought science was pretty cool, but when it involved risking the necks of him and his friends….not so much. Dave would much rather stick to raps and silly webcomics.

Right now, Rose was interrogating John about dreams he was having involving the recent lab accident and Skaianet Laboratories. God, he didn’t even want to think about that day. He hopped the hell off that train of thought like he was a teenager just trying to make his way in the world during the Great Depression.

Dave scooted over to other side of the L-shaped sofa, and sat himself down next to Jade.

He began to pick on a loose thread of his shirt. It was a shame, really. He did love his record t-shirt, and getting another would be a huge pain in his butt if it broke. The soft fabric brushed against his skin as Dave thought about just how cold it was in New York compared to Texas. The place may have felt like the devil’s sweaty armpit, but it was what he was used to.

“Hey, Dave?” Jade asked.

“What’s up?” He responded coolly.

“I think going to the lab was a bad idea. I thought it would be fun, taking you guys to see the lab when nobody was around, but then John found that secret transportalizer, and everything just went off the rails! I thought I could keep everyone safe, but…  I guess I was wrong. It’s not like I wanted anyone to get hurt! Before, I thought we were totally safe, ever after John started having nightmares. But now, I’m not so sure. Stay safe, okay?” Jade said.

“Sure. I don't see a reason why a kick-ass ninja such as myself couldn’t keep himself safe from the villainous claws of evil. Like, what do they even have on me? They’re claws. They’ve got like, hangnails or something. I’ve got a shitty katana.” Dave replied.

Jade giggled, and playfully punched Dave in the arm.

“Alright, silly! It looks like Rose is done talking to John, why don’t we see what she has to say?”

Both of them clambered over to where Rose and John were sitting. John’s hair was a bit mussed up from lying on the sofa, but other than that, he still had the same, dorky grin spread across his face.

“Hi Dave, Hi Jade!” He chirped.

“Dude,” Dave said, “We were literally two feet away.”

“Dave!” Rose chided. “Look, I’ve been talking to John, and I…. I have an announcement to make.”

She inhaled deeply before letting out a restrained sigh that sent her choppy bangs flying everywhere.

“I believe we should return to the lab.”

Roars erupted among the room. Screaming, arguing, shouts of “Hell no!”s and “What the fuck”s echoed across the long corridors. Dave thought it was pretty damn obvious to anyone watching that this was not something Rose had told John.

Jade began to protest Rose’s idea.  Standing up, Dave started to chew out Rose for trying to get them in trouble “for the fucking qudramillionth time this week”. John followed suit and started hopping around like a monkey, “explaining” to Rose what a terrible idea this was. Dave considered furthering the chaos by bleating like a goat. For ironic purposes, of course.

“EVERYBODY SHUT THE HELL UP!” Rose yelled.

Rose’s voice sliced through any and all protests like blade of a finely forged ninja sword. Dave and company jammed their asses in plush white mom sofa as fast as they could. 

“Look, I’ve considered all the options, and this is definitely the best path we can take. Preferably, it’s one we take soon. No matter what you believe regarding the lab accident, we need to go back so we can understand what happened.” Rose said.

Dave grumbled under his breath, but decided it was best to not screw with Rose. Everyone came to a reluctant agreement about the return trip to the lab, and with resentment still lingering in the air, dispersed around the house.  

Tapping his fingers against his jeans, Dave started to feel like they were all about to get neck deep in some serious trouble. Maybe it was from spending to long with his hypervigilant caretaker, but he had developed a sort of sixth sense of when someone was watching you. He decided it was best to just mess around with his synthesizer.

He climbed the stairs up to his room, ignoring the disturbing wizard paintings, and passed by the guest room, where Jade had climbed into the bed and wrapped herself up in Rose’s hand-knitted blankets. He couldn’t help but smile at the sheer number of assorted sheets she had strewn across the previously clean floor.

Finally, Dave reached his room at the end of the long hallway. Lowering his shades, he looked across the balcony to the living room and saw John-

Oh my god, was he stress baking?

John could be a total enigma sometimes.

Dave shut the door to his room and kicked aside some dirty laundry. Running his hands over a few dials and buttons, Dave flipped on the set of turntables lying on a couple of cinder blocks. He sat back and watched the buttons and dials light up until it looked like a very musical christmas tree. Before he could put on his headphones, a thought started to bother him.

_Dave, you idiot, these are the wrong turntables._

“I..uh... I picked the wrong turntables.” Dave said aloud to nobody in particular.

He instead picked up his newest addition to his musical collection: a weird red pair of turntables that he found at Harley’s lab. They had rectangular divots on the side, almost like a gear of a clock, and surprisingly few buttons and mechanisms to operate.

Dave sat on his bed and flipped the turntables on. Slowly, their bottoms began to glow until they started rising off the bed sheets.

“Holy shit!”

Dave dived off his bed and rolled behind a cinder block. He waited for..one...two...three breaths, and shut his eyes.

But no explosion came.

Poking his head out to investigate, Dave saw that the spinning red devices were harmlessly floating at waist level.

_Should’ve figured,_ Dave thought to himself. _Jade and her gramps are always cooking up gadgets like this._

Dave set his fingers to the grooved surface of the two discs. He gave them a little twirl, and they disappeared in a flash of red light.

_“Dammit, again?”_

Dave couldn’t take any more Harley techno-bullshit. He was damn near ready to do an acrobatic fucking pirouette of the handle if _one_ more thing started glowing and doing weird stuff.

_DING-DONG._

“JEGUS!” Dave yelled in surprise.

“Dave?” Rose’s voice was muffled by the wall dividing them.

“It’s fine, it’s fine. It’s just the doorbell, I’ve got it.” Dave responded, recovering from a near heart attack.

Without a second thought, Dave nabbed his sword and headed to the front door.

There it was again.

His sixth sense.

Dave quickly opened the door and looked up at the man standing in front of him. He was a tall, broad-shouldered man in a black trenchcoat with a heart insignia on it. His face was rather square and large, and wore a nasty look on it.

“Is this the residence of a mister Strider and, a, missus Lalonde?” He asked in a thick accent.

Dave’s heart pounded in his chest. Something seemed familiar about him. His eyes lingered on the tiny heart sewn on the right side of his trenchcoat. Hearts…

No...It couldn’t be…

Dave saw him slowly moving his hand towards inside the trench coat.

_Oh fucking shit._

Dave’s body slammed into the floor just before the gun went off.


	4. BE FARMSTINK BUTLASS

**BE FARMSTINK BUTTLASS.**

 

_You cannot be Farmstink Buttlass! Farmstink is taking a very angry nap! Surely, poor Ms. Buttstink would-_

_Oh. Well, would you look at that. The gunshots woke her up. How convenient._

_Fine. I suppose you can now BE FARMSTINK BUTTLASS._

 

    Jade’s delicate green eyes flew open. Her heart was pounding in her chest, and she felt like she had a job to do. A very important job. She was pretty sure she heard some awful fighting going on downstairs!

    Jade sprung into action, leaping out of her bed, grabbing her gun and practically flying down the staircase. Unfortunately, the sound of gunfire and metal clanging hadn’t stopped.

    As she reached the living room, she could see the figures of Dave and a burly man in a trenchcoat engaged in a deadly dance of weapons and reflexes. Dave may have brought a sword to a gunfight, but that didn’t stop him from holding his own against the dangerous intruder. The sounds of gunshots, metal slicing through air, and vicious swearing filled the room.

    During the middle of the fight, Rose burst into the room, drawn by the noise.

    “Dave, what the he-” She stopped midsentence as she saw Dave slide across the floor as the intruder made a swipe to grab him.

    “More damn kids?!” The surly man yelled in exasperation.

    Jade watched as Rose grabbed the nearest thing she had on hand- A pair of funny-looking knitting needles- and started jabbing and stabbing as fast as she could.

    “Jade! What are you doing?” Dave said, his face dripping with sweat.

    He paused, dodged a punch from his assailant, who had now run out of bullets, and started yelling at her again.

    “Jade, the Midnight Crew’s after us. Get out of here!”

    Dave dodged another punch and went back to fighting. He swooped and ducked, arms and legs flying so fast that they started become a blur. He used his sword like it was part of his own body, and was so graceful in his movements that it almost didn’t look like he was fighting, but dancing.

The lanky young boy kicked the member of the Midnight Crew-whatever that was- in the gut, sending him reeling.

    Rose, on the other hand, was much more aggressive. She didn’t seem to care about planning out her movements in battle-it was like she already knew what to do. She was ruthless with her needles, going for any soft, exposed flesh available to her.

Jade swore she saw bolt of dark energy crackle down the needles while Rose was using them.

Rose stabbed the man- Jade was going to call him Hearts- in the side with a needle. He roared with pain and hit Rose to the ground in anger. He yanked the needle out of his arm, drawing blood, and whipped out a knife on Dave. The two resumed their deadly dance, alone.

    How Jade wanted to help! But with two of her friends caught in the fray, she didn’t want to risk firing her rifle. What if one of them was hurt by her? She would have stay out of this fight until she had a clear shot.

Jade ducked and rolled behind a nearby metal vacuum cleaner for cover.

Rose’s mom sure was weird.

All of the sudden, Jade heard a faint screaming noise, and saw a boy leaping from the balcony onto the very angry assassin.

“YAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” John yelled.

His hammer slammed into Hearts’ head, knocking him to the floor.

Jade cracked a buck-toothed grin. Some people may have thought John wasn’t very smart, but he always came through when it really counted!

 _How did he get up on the balcony?_ Jade thought to herself.

_This is no time for silly thoughts like that! Now is Jade’s window of opportunity!_

“Everybody, get out of here! Now’s our chance! You guys go up ahead, I can hold him off when he gets back up!” Jade shouted at her friends.

Dave and John nodded at each other, worn and tired from the strife.

“Well, I suppose now we have no choice but to go to the lab.” Rose said with a grim sense of irony.

“I’ll meet you there!” said Jade, watching her friends run out back to the woods where the lab was located.

Jade took a deep breath in. She could smell the tangy scent of blood mixed with the rich and grimy smell of gun grease. She felt the weight of her rifle in her hands and watched the man who tried to kill her friends stand up. He spat in her direction, whipping out his knife in indication of where he wanted to plant it next.

Jade felt a deep rage stir inside her.

“EAT LEAD, YOU BASTARD!” she cried furiously.

Jade her took aim. She could barely feel the rifle kick against her chest as she sent a barrage of bullets towards her enemy.

    Sprinting towards the door as fast as she could, Jade only turned back to fire a last round of warning shots. She didn’t bother to see where they hit.

 

* * *

 

 

    Jade panted as she pounded the entry code into the lab door. _121413._ She hoped with all of her heart that her friends had remembered it too.

    Trusting her gut, Jade took the path that lead to the secret room in the laboratory, hoping that was where the group went. She sprinted down the twisting corridors, hoping to catch up with her friends. The once friendly seeming green walls and blinking lights now looked sickly and ominous.

    Finally, Jade caught a glimpse of a head full of blonde hair and overheard a snarky comment. Her friends! Jade was filled to the brim with joy.

    “John! Rose! Dave!” she called out.

    Without even bothering to respond, Dave, then John, then last of all, Rose, crashed into her arms, laughing, crying, and tousling her hair.

    The comments of her friends blurred together in one big adrenaline fueled mess. Jade could only smile and give big, sweaty, hugs, but her friends didn’t seem to care. The past fifteen minutes felt surreal, and Jade was thankful for any sort of break she got.

    Jade heard a pinging noise and perked up.

    “John,” she said, “I think someone’s messaging you.”

    “Woah! You’re right.” He replied. “Heh, what if it’s my dad? Can you imagine a worse time for him to want to talk to me?”

    “Just check it, doofus.” Dave said.

    “Alright, alright! Jeez.” John said.

    He switched on his PDA, looking through the alerts. His face, lit up by the screen’s glow, soured into a frown. He spent a couple seconds scrolling though something, a message apparently, then looked up.

    “This is weird. It’s from a guy I don’t even know. ‘CG’, I think it was? I dunno. Why don’t you guys have a look?”

    Jade, Dave, and Rose all crowded around John’s shoulder to read the tiny glowing message on the screen. Jade thought it seemed very angry, ranty, and a little bit bossy.

    The message read:

CG: CONGRATULATIONS. YOU FOUR HAVE OFFICIALLY, THROUGH A MATTER OF AWARD WINNING STUPIDITY, GONE AND FUCKED EVERYTHING UP. I HONESTLY HELD THE BELIEF THAT NOBODY THIS INDESCRIBABLY MORONIC COULD EVER EXIST FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE. BUT HEY, YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERYDAY. YOU ALL HAVE OFFICIALLY WON THE “I AM A COMPLETE AND TOTAL SHITHEAD” AWARD. THANK THE DAMN ACADEMY, TAKE YOUR HUNK OF GOLD, AND GET THE FUCK OUT.

CG: I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR LITTLE “LAB ACCIDENT”. I AM SMARTER, MORE COMPETENT, AND A BETTER HERO THAN YOU IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. EVERY VILLAIN IN TOWN HAS A PRICE ON YOUR HEAD, AND I CAN PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT YOU, ALONG WITH HALF OF NEW YORK CITY, WILL BE DEAD WITHIN THE MONTH IF SOMEONE DOESN’T INTERVENE.

CG: IF YOU WANT TO HAVE EVEN THE SLIGHTEST CHANCE OF LIVING TO SEE THE REST OF YOUR PATHETIC LIVES OR FIXING YOUR STEAMING PILE OF SHITTY MISTAKES, MEET ME AND MY FRIENDS ON THE CORNER OF GENESIS ST. AND TERRA PARK OUTSIDE THE CITY AT EXACTLY SIX P.M. SHARP TOMORROW. DON’T BE LATE.

CG: I GENUINELY HOPE THAT YOU HAVE SOME IDEA OF WHAT YOU’RE DOING.

CG: OTHERWISE, WE ARE ALL ROYALLY BONED.

 

END OF ACT 1


	5. BE THE BOSSY CRAB

**ACT 2**

 

**BE THE BOSSY CRAB.**

 

_You attempt to be the bossy crab. This bossy crab is a busy crab! He does not have time for your nonsense._

 

**TRY AGAIN.**

 

_You can, however, BE KARKAT VANTAS._

 

* * *

 

“They’re twelve minutes late.”

“Oh, coooooooome on, Karkat,” Vriska whined. “It’s no big deal, just a few minutes! Although, it is four minutes later than I would have arrived.”

“I said six o’clock sharp. When I say mean six o’clock, I mean six fucking o’clock!” he shouted.

“Karkat, go easy on them! I’m sure they’ve been through an awful lot.” Added Aradia.

Sollux scoffed. “AA, they attracted the attention of the Midnight Crew, the Prospitians, the Dersites, and God knows who else. They should be the ones going easy on us.”

Aradia sighed. “Well, you all can leave, if you want. I’ll stay behind to welcome them.”

“No!” Karkat snapped. “We are all doing this together. We signed up to defend this city from any possible threats, and by God, we are going to defend the shit out of it!”  

What was with these numbskulls? Didn’t they understand that these newcomers were a possible threat to their turf? Or worse, a threat the the city itself.

Try as he might to keep morale up, Karkat’s teammates were growing impatient. Sollux was scrolling through who knows what on his phone with a slight smirk on his face. Sitting next to him on a park bench rotten with age, Aradia, the only one with a shred of patience left, waited ever vigilantly for those stinking idiots to arrive. Off in a bush somewhere, Gamzee sat completely and totally spaced out, a bottle of Faygo in one hand and, for some reason, a live lizard in the other. To the left of Karkat, Nepeta and Equius were role-playing, Kanaya was applying makeup with an irritated look on her face, and Vriska and Terezi were smirking and giggling with each other. If Karkat listened hard enough, he could just make out them discussing the best way to “take care” of their visitors, whatever the hell that meant.

Karkat really, really, hoped it didn’t mean what he thought it meant.

To try and avoid the conversation that would follow clarifying Vriska and Terezi’s weird euphemisms, Karkat walked over to a nearby tree, where Feferi was trying to coax something out of a tree. A cat, maybe? Feferi was pretty nice like that.

“Hey, Feferi, what's going-” Karkat noticed what- or rather who- was desperately clinging to end of a lofty tree branch.

Karkat gritted his teeth and ran his fingers through his hair. “Oh, oh _hell no._ I did _not_ sign up for this shit. Ampora, get you ass down here before I personally go up there, surgically remove it with a sickle, and hang it above my dear Poppop’s fireplace as a twisted hunting trophy!”

“Relax, Kar,” Eridan said, still hanging on for dear life, “I’m scoutin’ the territory to givve us an advvantage if our guests turn out to be dangerous attackers.”

Sighing, Feferi folded her arms and gave Karkat a knowing look. “A certain mother-glubber couldn’t turn down a dare from Sollux.”

Karkat’s face contorted into an expression of pure rage.

“Dammit! I should have known from his fucking smile something was up! That little piece of shit hasn’t grinned like that since he intentionally blew up my very best laptop. Now he’s screwing with even more members of our team! That two-timing bastard!”

Karkat inhaled sharply and flushed even redder as he realized what he said.

“Alright, fuck this, I’m leaving!”

Throwing his hands up in exasperation, Karkat stormed off in the other direction. He sat down on Aradia’s bench and tried to cool down.

“Damn it, Aradia, I can’t take another minute of this horseshit. You’re my man on time. How much longer until these weirdos arrive?”

“Actually, Karkat,” Aradia said, “Funny you should mention that-”

Karkat heard a crackling noise, like you might hear before a lightning strike, which culminated in a pop and a flash of red light.

“Holy shit!” yelled Sollux.

Karkat whipped around, assuming a fighting stance, and saw four kids lying in a pile where the noise had come from.

It whacked Karkat over the head that these were the idiots messing around in Skaianet Labs.

“Well,” he sneered, “Way to make an entrance.”

A girl with glasses and tangled hair got up first, looking like she was about to puke, and was swept up by Aradia before she could fall over again. Some idiot with blue glasses and a cowlick mumbled something about being glad he wasn’t nude, which confused the ever living hell out of Karkat. Slowly but surely, a slender figure pushed herself off the ground, looked stunned for a second, then resumed an indifferent stance.The entire thing felt like such a ridiculously convoluted prank Karkat almost had to stop himself from laughing. Of course, he knew it wasn’t.

 _Oh, crap._ Karkat thought.

A dude in shades started running his way, whooping and laughing with glee. Before Karkat could inch away, he grabbed Karkat’s shoulders and started rambling incoherently.

“Oh man, did you see that? That was so friggin’ awesome! Dude, that was literally the sickest shit I have ever pulled, and one time I did a backflip off a moving truck while holding a katana.”

“Wait, why the hell would you-” Karkat shook his head. “You know what? Never mind. What the hell is going on here? What the fuck is all this?!” He gestured towards the three newcomers.

Karkat dug his finger into the smug prick’s chest. “You and your stuck up, god-awful eyesore of an outfit have a hell of a lot of explaining to do before I bust the asses of every life-form in a thirty foot radius.”

The stranger cleared his throat. “Oh boy, this could take a while. Hey, John, Rose, Jade, get over here.”

The three stumbled over to where Karkat was standing and sat down.

"Hi, Dave," Jade said weakly, her face looking a little flushed.

“Uh, Jade,” Dave said, “Are you doing okay? You don’t look so hot.”

“No, no, I’m - _hrp-_ fine,” Jade said, stifling down vomit, “I just don’t think I handle time travel very well.”

“Time travel?” Karkat questioned. “Back this crazy-ass truck up, you’ve got ten seconds to start dishing out cold, hard answers before I blow my lid.”

 Dave chuckled. “Alright everyone. Get over here and sit your asses right the fuck down in front of the toasty warm fire, ‘cause Poppa Strider’s about to tell you a story.”


	6. DAVE: TELL THE STORY. BE THE GRANDPA.

**DAVE: TELL THE STORY. BE THE GRANDPA.**

 

Surveying the strangers mingled among friends, Dave grinned and folded his arms. He began to tell a story. A very Strider-esque story.

“Okay, so here’s the deal: My mom works at this place, Skaianet Labs. Rose goes and decides to dick around in the place, because she’s just weird that way. Then, Egbert over here,” he said, gesturing to John, “Decided to play Indiana Jones and found this God-forsaken ‘secret room’, and instead of being a sensible damn human being, decided to push every button within sight. Then there was a huge flashy light thing, we all got knocked out-”

   

_Gosh. This must be so boring for you to have to sit through Dave’s monologue about something you already know! How inconsiderate of me. I’ll simply skip ahead to the interesting bits for your convenience._

 

**_== >SKIP TO THE GOOD PART._ **

 

* * *

 

 

“But then I was all like, ‘No, we aren’t going to visit some random-ass dude on the internet. Did you not listen to Internet-Safety Isaac? That’s a bit of a no-no.’ But Rose, on the other hand-”

“Oof!”

Dave paused to see what made the rude, story-interrupting sound. To his surprise, the offender was the pathetic-looking dude in a cape he saw hanging on a tree earlier, glasses askew, laying in a heap next to a kindly-looking girl who was poking him with a stick.

Dave said, “Looks like Mr. Tarzan has finally decided to join the lowly Ground Party.”

This roused a few chuckles from his attentive audience, especially from a scrawny looking nerd and some chick in red glasses who looked ready to make fun of anything.

Mr. Tarzan blushed a furious shade of red and stuttered, “I-I’m not- You’re…Wwhatevver!”, swished his cape and sat down at the very edge of the group.

What once had been a couple chuckles and a shrill giggle swelled into an uproar of noise and laughter. Apparently this guy was pretty well-known in the group for something. Dave wasn’t going to let that stop him from telling his story. He shooshed them like he was a tired kindergarten teacher and they were a bunch of little shits who would _not_ sit their asses down for nap time.

“Okay, moving on. So we spend four hours or so cowering in fear in the labs like total badasses, eventually head back to the house, and call it a day. So back at the house, I’m trying to lay down some ill beats, like, the illest of beats, and this frickin’ hover-turntable just appears out of nowhere! Dude, I thought that thing was gone for good, but it just showed up out of nowhere like a lost puppy or something. Then on top of that, John and Jade come rushing over, _again_ , rambling about a ‘windy thing’. Like, the fuck even is a windy thing. And by then, we all agreed that you guys seemed pretty damn legit. But by then, it was too late for us to meet you guys. So we’re all like, ‘well, golly, shit’s fucked’. Then, Rose gets this weird idea to use the turn-tables I found at the lab as a time machine. And it’s takes a while, but Jade and I reverse-engineer the ever loving shit out of these here time-table thingies, I zap us into the past, and bada bing, bada boom, we meet up with you guys!”

Dave looked down at his watch, winced, and added, “I, uh, think my aim might have been a little off, though.”

The grouchy looking teen who seemed to be the leader stood up and started slow clapping.

 _Who the hell even slow claps anymore?_ Dave thought. _Dude better be doing it as some triple irony shit if he wants to pull it off._

“Well, that was a very lovely story,” The grouch said. “However, did any of you numbskulls bother to sweep the lab afterwards? Or for that matter, turn off any of the highly powerful equipment you were messing with?”

Dave flushed pale with realization, but before he could say anything, he was interrupted by a long, high-pitched cackle.

“Oh, Karkaaaaaaaat, you don’t have to be so vague, we all know what they did wrong.”

The girl curled her good arm around Jade, her fingers spindling up Jade’s shoulder and onto her neck.

“Jade here made a bit of a rookie mistake,” her eyes glistening with- malice? No, entertainment. “She turned her back on the body.”

An uncomfortable silence blanketed the group. Nobody wanted to say it, but she was right; In their panic to escape and hide, they hadn’t bothered to check if they had finished off Boxcars.

Furrowing his eyebrows, Karkat cleared his throat and said, “Well, I guess we’re going to have to take these newbies on a sweep of Skaianet Labs. I sure as hell hope you guys can prep fast, ‘cause we’re doing this shit in T-minus thirty-six hours.”

A gangly hand shot up in the air to ask a question, apparently just as a formality, because the owner didn't wait to be called on.

“Hold on,” John said, “I know you guys aren’t a creepy forty-year old stalker or anything, but why should we be doing what you say all the sudden? Shouldn’t we get your backstory or something? Just saying.”

“Actually-” Rose began.

Before she could finish, John’s hand went stiff, jerked away from him and slapped him across the face.

“That enough evidence for ya?” The blue-eyed girl said with a smirk.

“Owwwwwwww,” John complained, rubbing his cheek. “Can all of you do that?”

“Hahahaha! They wish! The honor of mind controlling falls squarely to me, Vriska Marquise Serket! Actually, to be fair, my girl Terezi has some pretty bitchin’ powers too! You know, this one time when we were fighting twelve Dersites at once-”

“Absolutely not! I will have no Serket-brand rambles in front of our esteemed guests! I swear, if I hear of more ridiculously demented peep out of your mouth, I will leave you here in this park to starve!” Karkat screamed.

“Look who’s talking,” the bifurcated shrimp muttered.

“You know what? I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Now, you weirdos better get the fuck out of here and start prepping. I sure as hell hope you’ve got suits.”

Jade stood up and gave Karkat a very nasty look.

“Fine!” she said, “We will get out of here! And we’ll meet you in the lab with the best gosh darn suits you’ve ever seen, you big old meanie! Come on Dave, we’re leaving!”

“Woah, whoa, alrighty then,” Dave replied. “Hey, John. You _are_ coming with, right?”

John looked up from a conversation with Vriska. “Oh, yeah! I’ll be right over!” He jumped up from his seat, a bounce in his step, and took a few great strides over to Dave and Jade.

“Rooooose!” Jade called. “Rose! Rose, get over here! We’re leaving, come on.” Jade practically had to pull Rose away from some girl with short, choppy hair in a pretty sweet-looking skirt.

“Okay champ, see you in a bit.” Dave gave Karkat a casual two-finger salute while walking away.

Karkat gave Dave an....one-finger salute.

Dave couldn’t help but laugh.


	7. SLICK: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

**SLICK: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?**

 

    Spades Slick stared out the ceiling-to-floor window in his apartment. Watching the cars zip around like ants below him, he felt he was the king of all he surveyed. Just the way he liked it.

* * *

 

    _Woah, woah, woah. This is_ Spades Slick _we’re talking about here. The only way to narrate Slick is in the second person present, with snarky commentary. It’s the only way. Second-person narration for Spades Slick is simply a multi-dimensional constant. Now let’s do this the right way._

 

* * *

 

    You take a long drag from your cigarette and drink in the view. Damn right, you were the king of all you surveyed, and nobody was gonna stop you from doin’ whatever the hell you pleased. Nobody.

    You move on from that thought, deciding it best not to dwell on old wounds.

    With a bitter look on your face, you snub out your cigarette in the ash-tray on the windowsill and stop with the useless fantasies.

    Looking around your apartment, you realize just how shitty the place is. A lonely, lonely pool table sits at the back of the room. If there ever was a table that needed some  hookers, that was it. Hanging on the wall next to it is a portrait of the Midnight Crew. You’re frowning in the photo. Of course, you’re almost always frowning. A couple of chairs of different sizes sit around the one good thing in you apartment. Your prized coffee table.

    Hey, a man can enjoy his coffee tables.

    You sit down in a plush leather chair, and take a sip of something a little stronger than coffee. Ah, screw it, ya take two sips.

    The shrill ringing of a phone interrupts your personal little happy hour.

 _What the hell is going on?_ You think to yourself.

You walk over to the dimly lit kitchen, pick up the phone, and bark a question into the receiving end.

“Who’s talkin’?”

You hear a thick, raspy voice come out of the phone.

“Ay, boss. Look, remember those kids you was talkin’ about? The ones all jacked up by SkaiaNet? Yeah, they were a bit of trouble. - _cough-_  But… I found the lab. Damn thing’s in their backyard.”

You let out a small grunt of approval.

“Did’ja get in?”

The line goes silent for a heartbeat.

“No.”

You absolutely rescind that grunt.

“- _kack-_ Boss, those damn kids were - _cough-_ tough. I...I got shot. I don’t know if I’m gonna make it.”

 Hearts Boxcars was one of your best agents. You feel a small twinge of sadness in your heart. Wait, wait- no, it’s gone.

“Look, Boxcars, can you tell me where you are?”

“Right, right. I’m - _cough-_ a ways outside the city. River road. House is by a bigass waterfall. Can’t miss it. And, boss?”

“Yeah?”

“That little girl who shot me? Give her hell from me, would’ja?”

“Damn right, I will.”

You hear a weak chuckle from the line before it goes silent. With a sigh, you set the phone back onto the counter top.

Knuckleheads. If you wanna do something right, you’ve got to do it your damn self. And as sure as your name is Spades Slick, you’ll be getting into that lab, one way or another.

Before heading out your door, you sling on your overcoat. You’ve got business to take care of.


	8. JADE: SUDDENLY REALIZE YOUR COSTUMES ARE SHIT.

**JADE: SUDDENLY REALIZE YOUR COSTUMES ARE SHIT.**

 

“Guys, our costumes are shit.”

 

“And just what do you mean by that?” said Dave, provocatively swinging his hips.

 

“No, just- Dave, put that thing away!” John shielded his eyes from Dave’s spandex-laden crotch.

 

The four kids were sitting on the Rose’s sofa, again, this time at three in the morning. Karkat had sent a message saying that they were going to be leaving earlier than anticipated, due to what he called, “unforeseen consequences”. When Jade asked him what that meant, Karkat told her to take her big fat mouth and use it to suck his ass. Karkat really could be a grouch sometimes.

 

When the kids returned to the Stri-Londe household, they noticed the body of Hearts Boxcars had mysteriously disappeared from the living room. Jade couldn’t figure out why for the life of her. Rose, for some reason, couldn’t either, although she recently had developed an eerie knack for guessing things right without trying.

 

“Ugh, look, what I’m saying is that we look like a bunch of idiots! I mean, I was really excited to wear a spandex costume and look awesome and fight bad guys with my friends… but now I just feel kinda silly.” Jade said.

 

“Why do you say that, Jade?” asked John.

 

“Because, well, our costumes aren’t cool at all! We kinda just threw them together from stuff we found in the bargain bin at Michael’s. Rose, you’re wearing a bathing suit with a piece of cloth thrown over it, I’m wearing a dress put together with super glue, glitter and old fishnet stockings, Dave is literally wearing nothing but a spandex suit we bought for six dollars and a cape, and John-”

 

Jade looked up and down at John’s outfit. He was wearing a blue shirt with the sleeves ripped off and a neon green slimer messily painted over it, tucked into his Ghostbusters pajama bottoms from the fourth grade, which were about four inches too short on him. His hood, also bright blue, was so long that it went over the sofa and out the room. The neon yellow color of his shoes- ugh, Jade had to stop processing this costume. It was just too much.

 

“What is it?” John asked, a puzzled look on his face.

 

He really didn’t know what he was wearing, did he?

 

“Look, John.” Rose said, looking up at him with a kindly expression, “What Jade is trying to say- and I do mean this in the nicest way possible- is that your ‘super suit’ looks like a five-year-old threw it together while blindfolded.”

 

John looked genuinely offended for about three seconds.

 

“Whatever. I think it looks cool.” John shrugged and started gluing a Ghostbusters patch to the side of his shirt.

 

Dave sighed and pushed up his shades. “Look, guys, shenanigans aside, we do need to get going to the lab. Wouldn’t wanna make dear Karkles angry.”

 

“Well, then, team! Let’s get moving!” John declared.

 

He struck a heroic pose on top of the sofa. His Ghostbusters patch dramatically fell off and fluttered to the floor.

 

“Gosh, I feel way too tired to do this.” yawned Jade.

 

“Same,” said Dave.

 

“Dave, couldn’t you have just waited for us to get a full night’s sleep, picked everyone up, and time-traveled us to three in the morning?” John pointed out.

 

“Shit.” Dave muttered, rubbing circles from underneath his shades, which he was still wearing for some reason. It was probably for “the ironies”, as Dave liked to say. Jade wasn’t really sure what that meant, but Dave was just kind of funny that way!

 

Jade and the gang groggily pried themselves from the sofa and stumbled towards the back door. In the time it took them to reach the forest outside the lab, where Karkat’s group was waiting, John had tripped everyone, including himself, at least twice with his hood. It seemed to Jade that Rose was one hair away from losing her cool and strangling John.

 

“Why, hello, Kanaya!” Rose exclaimed joyfully.

 

“Good, uh, morning too you, Rose. Can one even call it a morning at this hour?” Kanaya replied.

 

Jade walked into the mob of teens where her friends had rushed ahead to mingle. Almost immediately, Rose ran over to chat with Kanaya, who was dressed in a handsome black skin tight shirt and a rouge skirt that barely kissed her knees, tied back with a plush bow that doubled as a skirt. John, on the other hand, was harassing- or being harassed by? Jade wasn’t sure- a short girl in a vibrant teal and red suit with the Libra sign on it who continually whacked people with a cane. Dave chatted with Karkat, who wore a long hood over a long-sleeved shirt with candy cane stripes for the occasion.

After seeing everyone’s super suits in person, Jade couldn’t help but feel even more embarrassed about the lackluster outfits of her friend group. Each costume she saw looked not only professional, but incredibly practical. Jade looked over at John, who was trying to untangle his legs from his oversize hood. She had a feeling this was going to be a long day.

 

“Okay, enough formalities, you little pieces of shit,” Karkat said. “Is everyone here? Nope, nope, I’ll count myself. Two, four, six, eig- OH MY FUCK EGBERT WHAT ARE YOU WEARING-”

 

“What I’m wearing,” John said, yawning in the middle, “Is the coolest super suit in the history of ever.”

 

Karkat pinched the bridge of his nose and mumbled something about wannabes in pajamas.

 

“Okay, people, let’s get the fuck going here already! I’m not getting any younger, you know.” Vriska proclaimed, tapping her boot with impatience.

 

After a bit of arguing between Karkat and Vriska about who was allowed to say when it was time to leave, followed by Terezi screeching for them to shut up, the large party of young heroes finally began the process of heading into the lab. Karkat sent a hulking teenager dripping in sweat to break down the lab door while the rest of them stood guard. A friendly young girl named Nepeta told Jade his name was Equius before slinking off after him.

 

“Hey, numbskull, what’s the hold up?” Karkat yelled.

 

Equius emerged from behind a tree, sweat glistening on his pale skin in the moonlight.

 

“Karkat. Regrettably, I could not perform the task you commanded me to complete.”

 

“Wait, you’re telling me that Equius Fucking Zahhak couldn’t break down that door? Damn, Harley, your gramps has his security system down.” Said Karkat.

 

“Um- Well- You see-” Equius stuttered.

 

Rushing back into the group at lighting speed, Nepeta began to issue an alert with a fearful tone to her voice.

 

“Karkitty? I think mew should come see this.”

 

Bound together by the fear of the unknown, friends and strangers alike followed Nepeta the short distance to the laboratory door. That is, what was left of it. The foot-thick metal door lay in a scorched, crumpled heap on the once pristine lab entrance. Shattered locking mechanisms and fragments of metal lay scattered across the floor. Black scorch marks decorated the walls and floor, the ashen substance rubbing off on Jade when she touched it.

 

Jade had to stifle down a small sob. When she was young, her Grandpa often took her to the lab and let her tinker with spare parts. The place held fond memories for her. She looked to her friends for comfort, but they all seemed stunned by the scene before them.

 

“Oh-Oh my God,” Karkat said, his voice cracking, “He beat us here. Let’s…. Let’s just continue and hope for the best.”

   

Jade swallowed the painful lump in her throat to take her position next to Karkat at the head of the group. She knew SkaiaNet the best out of any of them, and felt she was qualified to be their navigator. While she knew she was prepared to  handle the winding halls of the laboratory, what worried her was what- or rather _whom_ \- she would find inside.


	9. JOHN: GET THE LOWDOWN FROM SPIDER CHICK

**JOHN: GET THE LOWDOWN FROM SPIDER CHICK.**

 

\--------

_No, John. Do not go anywhere near that girl. Please. Talk to Karkat instead! He’s nice....kinda. Just don’t talk to-_

_Dammit._

\-------

While Jade and Karkat trekked ahead through the winding halls of the laboratory, John hung back to the tail end of the group so he could talk to a weird girl who caught his interest the other day.

“Hi there! So, I’m told that you’re Vriska! That’s a funny name,” he said, a chipper tone in his voice.

“Way to go, Captain Obvious,” Vriska grumbled.

“So, Vriska, you seem to know things! Do you think you could tell me what the deal is with your group, and what Karkat’s so antsy about? I mean, I know you guys have weird powers and stuff, but I still don’t really get what’s going on.”

“And why, Mr. Windsock, would I want to tell you any of those things right now?” Vriska huffed.

“Well, Karkat’s worried about _something_ , and it would probably be easier to take care of that something if we knew what it was, why it’s bad, and what you can do to help. You know, the power of teamwork and whatnot. Just saying.”

“Point taken,” Vriska conceded. “Fine. I’ll tell you about our pathetic excuse for a team.”

As Vriska began to weave her tale, the lights of the laboratory cast strange shadows over her face, twisting it and casting strange shadows. John felt a shiver run down his spine.

“Once upon a time, there was a little girl. This little girl was a very, very special little girl. The daughter of a famous crime boss, in fact! Her mommy went out to sea, looting barges and taking on armadas, and while she was gone, the little girl had made some friends. You see, there was nothing this little girl wanted more than to be as great and powerful as her mother was. So, when one of the mother of one of her dear friends, a baroness, in fact, approached her with a proposal, saying if she accepted, she could gain power beyond her wildest dreams…. Well, that wasn’t much of a choice for the little girl, now was it? So she, the baroness’s daughter, and the sons of two rival captains in her armada were welcomed into a shining building, before being knocked out and put under the knife. However-”

“So wait, you’re the little girl, right? And the kids in your story are your friends?” John asked.

“Yes! Jeez, John, you are impressively dense!” Vriska snapped. “I was tryyyyyyyying to be dramatic!”

“Um, do you think you could be a little less dramatic, and be a little more get-to-the-pointy?” John requested.

“Okay fine,” Vriska grumbled, “I will be as brief as possible, since that seems to be what your little heart most desires.

‘Yes, that would be awesome!” John chirped.

“Soooooooo, John, to be brief, Aradia can do timey wimey junk, Tavros has lame-o powers that I’ll just skip over, and Sollux can move shit with his mind. Karkat, for all his big talk, is actually pretty weak! As far as I can tell, his only power is ‘being a good leader’! Nepeta is a fucking furry, Kanaya is good with a chainsaw, Terezi can see shit, but also not see shit, because she’s Terezi. I, of course can control and read minds, and of course, bend fortune to my favor! Equis is tough as shit, Gamzee….. You know, I’m not really sure what he does. It’s probably not important at all! Eridan can blow shit up, and Feferi can heal shit. That brief enough for you, Egbert?”

“Wow,” John said, rubbing his forehead, “You are ridiculously unhelpful. You still haven’t explained who we’re looking for-”

“Ooh! Ooh! I know that!” Terezi said, barging into the conversation. “We’re looking for the Midnight Crew, numbskull! Jegus, I thought even you could figure that out!”

“Did she just say jegus?” asked John.

Before Terezi could shoot back a response, a rumble shook the whole building, rocking John to his core and throwing him to the ground.

“W-What was that?” Tavros asked, robotic knees trembling. Huh. John didn’t know robotic knees even did that.

“No, no, no! Guys, that came from the hidden lab!” Jade yelled.

Chaos burst out. Everybody ran around, chattering and screaming in fear, unsure of what to do.

“HEY!” Karkat roared. “You heard the lady! Get the fuck moving people! Go, go, go!”

Jade began sprinting to the hidden lab as fast as she could, others following suit. 

“Hup!” John exclaimed as he tripped over his hood while rounding a particularly sharp corner.

Frankly, John had never been this afraid before in his life. He had no idea what he was doing, what he was fighting for, and how he needed to act. He just ran faster and hoped that would be enough.

“Wait, here’s the entrance! Stop!” said Jade.

The entire group screeched to a halt, and comically slammed into each other like they were in some sort of cheesy 80’s sitcom.

“Get up, you damn idiots!” Karkat barked. “Jade, open the entrance! Everyone else, fall in!”

Jade pried open the secret door in the lab wall, and gestured with her hand to come in. Stepping inside the doorway, John shielded his eyes to a blinding green light. His eyes landed on a tall black silhouette. His hands grew shaky and weak, and his heart skipped a beat. No, two. Okay, three beats. Wow, you’d almost think this kid was dead. Well, he’s not yet, anyway.

John stood face to face with none other than Jack Noir, a.k.a, Spades Motherfucking Slick.

 

* * *

 

**BE PAST SPADES SLICK.**

 

_You successfully become Spades Slick, in the recent past, but not far. Although, I’m not really sure why you would want to do that._

 

 

* * *

 

 

You did. You finally fucking did it.

You stand in front of a giant glowing computer, with the words “Skainet Labs” displayed on the monitor. The screen illuminated the not-so-hidden laboratory, casting shadows across all sorts of strange and probably highly dangerous equipment.

“Heh. All the power in the world, and it’s just hidden in an unguarded lab, up for grabs. It’s almost like the old man _wanted_ someone to steal this crap.” you say to yourself.

You stroll over to enormous monitor, ready to get some powers and wreck some shit, reach your hand towards a flashing red button, and-

_Wait._

_You know exactly jack shit about how this works. For crying out loud, half the buttons on this thing are flashing. That button you were about to push could cause the lab to self destruct, or set off an alarm, or turn you into a banana slug._

With immense difficulty, you withdraw your hand from the control panel. Lousy stupid goddamn buttons.

Letting out a growl of frustration, you slam your hand against the metal wall. See, this is why you need to bring Droogs along for these things, instead of recklessly rushing into them headfirst.

_Ping!_

Your head perks up. Something in the computer must have been jolted around by your little temper tantrum. The screen now reads:

 

_Test Subject #8: Jade Harley_

 

_DOB: 12-1-00_

_Gender: F_

_Blood Type: O_

_Condition: Stable_

_Aspect: Space_

_Notes: Treat this subject with the utmost care and safety, but do not underestimate her. Jade is much tougher than she looks._

 

You have no idea whatsoever what any of that means, but you do notice that a station in the far left corner of the lab has flickered on. Cautiously, you draw closer to investigate. It’s a circular grey platform with a weird symbol on the bottom. Surrounding it are four tall poles with smooth silver spheres on top. A miniature control panel blinked nest to the weird platform dealie.

Suddenly, the pieces snap together in your mind. Holy shit, this is it!

With adrenaline pulsing through your veins, you read the small screen on the control panel. Everything looks pretty much ready to go. You think. You still don’t really know how this works.

Fuck it.

You crank up all the dials and levers as far as they’ll go, slam down on the big flashing green button, and step on top of the platform.

An electric green glow starts running through the lab station, and the sounds of whirring machinery fill the lab. On top of the strange poles, orbs of light, once metal, glow brighter and brighter until you force yourself to look away.

All around you, the station pulses with light, and the entire lab starts flickering with light and shaking. Rumbling encompassed the entire lab, vibrating and knocking you around like you were nothing but a puny rag doll.

Desperately, you grab the nearest pole for support. The pole, which was currently conducting who knows how many volts of mysterious green electricity.

“AAAAAAAARRRGH!” you cry out.

The energy courses through your body, burning you from the inside out. A ball of crackling energy which was gathering above your head lashes out with a tendril of lighting, latching onto your back and refusing to let go.

Your senses are blurred, the world a smudged mess of chemicals impulses and unfocused messages. Slowly, a strange tingling feeling spreads in your arm, which turns into pins and needles. The pins and needles spread up your arm and through your torso, until your entire body like a broken VHS tape.

With your other arm, you pry yourself from the pole, and collapse to your knees. Why did this process mean putting yourself through one of the worst sensations possible. Couldn’t this have just been a teensy-weensy little stabbing? Stabbings are great. You love stabbings.

Eyes still unfocused, you look around to find the lights beginning to dim, and the machinery beginning to slow down.

It was finally over. You grinned, smiling wider than you’d ever smiled before. Which, admittedly, was not that far. But, you had still done it. You had finally fucking done it.

You look down at your hands. Your ebony hands were crackling with the strange green electricity you had seen earlier. There was only one problem: the hand that had been gripping the pole was burned badly, almost to the bone. Of course, this was a small price to pay for becoming a being of god-like power.

Ripping off the bottom of your shirt, You began to wrap the fabric around your hand. Before you could finish, you were interrupted by the chatter and footsteps of a large group of people.

You snap to attention, striking a defensive stance. Hot damn. You look so badass right now. Think of the most badass pose possible. Now multiply that by ten. That’s how badass you look right now.

Looking up from your moment of self indulgence, you notice a group of kids flooding the entrance. Quickly, you scan the group of kids, before stopping on a girl who fit the description Boxcars gave you.

Your eyes narrowed. It was about to go the fuck down.


	10. BETAS: STRIFE!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**BETAS: STRIFE!**

 

 _Who is this man, thinking he could just stroll in here and mess with all my grandpa’s stuff?!_ Jade thought to herself angrily.

She narrowed her eyes at the strange shadowy man fooling around with the her grandfather’s machinery. Something in her gut told her that he was dangerous, more dangerous than anyone had previously thought.

As the others rushed into the low green light of the lab, Jade slowly felt for her rifle, and began to draw it.

Before she could take aim, the strange man’s beady eyes landed on her, and with ferocious expression, he lunged straight for her throat. Caught off guard, a scarred hand tore at Jade’s neck, tearing at her skin and crushing her windpipe.

Jade kicked and thrashed like a wild bear. And yet, the iron grip remained. With his spare, but barely functional hand, the man pulled out a knife, and began to stab her. The blade scraped only skin once, twice, three times, but on the fourth attempt, nestled deep in her stomach.

Jade looked down. Small amounts of blood began to drip near the handle of the blade, turning her sparkling black and green dress crimson.

 _Oh dear,_ she thought.

The chaos of her friends attempting to pry Jade’s assailant from her began to dim. Her eyesight blurred and her senses dulled, until she couldn’t see or feel anything. Still struggling to stay awake, Jade’s mind slipped away from the mania of the real world to a deep sleep.

 

* * *

 

_It was at this precise moment that shit, as they say, ‘hit the fan’._

 

* * *

 

A thundering crack resounded across the laboratory. Aradia Megido, dressed in burgundy from head to toe, had snapped her whip around Slick’s wrist, and sharply yanked it away from Jade’s throat.

Slick stumbled and fell to the floor, giving Aradia the time she needed to swoop in front of Jade and block any further attacks.

“Fuck you!”

John rushed forward screaming,and took a sweep at a Slick. In one fluid movement, Slick dodged his hammer and kicked his legs out from underneath him.

_Swish! Swish! Swish!_

The sound of Nepeta’s false tail barely preceded her darting into the fray as support. Leaping over John’s fallen figure, she flicked her wrists to reveal mechanized claws, kind of like Wolverine, if Wolverine was a girl. And also fifteen.

“Stop right there, meowtherfucker!” she cried ferociously .

_SHINK!_

Nepeta’s claws hit only metal as Slick radiated a green light and materialized behind her with a pop.

For a split second, everyone, Slick included, froze in their tracks, dumbfounded by what happened. John, struggling to get up, fell back over again in shock, while Nepeta had the look of a kitten whose shiny red light had suddenly disappeared.

Just like that, the fight swung back into motion. Nepeta took another fruitless swipe at Slick, who materialized at her side before she could do anything. His foot slammed into her, sending dear, sweet, Nepeta flying into a wall.

At last, John rose up to rejoin the fight. He took to Slick with fearsome speed, swinging his hammer like a madman, and screaming seemingly random insults at his foe. Empowered with a second wind for the fight, he took blow after blow from Slick, who fought back just as harshly.

 _Krak!_ John’s hammer made contact with Slick’s face, breaking his nose and sending him reeling. In retaliation, he hurled a knife at John’s head.

Quickly, John ducked to avoid the knife, which flew over him and into a wooden crate with a loud _thunk!_

In the turmoil of combat, John tripped over his long hood, and once again crashed to the ground.

Slick brought up his good arm, knife at the read, with the full intent to make John Egbert his brand new pincushion.

“Joooooooohn! Come on! Do the windy thing!” Vriska shouted.

“You know, a little help would be apprec- Shit!” John yelled.

He just barely rolled out of the way of Slick’s incoming attack, the knife just grazing his arm. Using the nearby box of parts as leverage, he propelled himself upwards, and sprinted to the opposite side of the room. On the other hand, Slick stood his ground, slowly extending a hand that began to crackle with strange green lightning. John had no idea what that was, but he felt there was about an 80% chance that it wasn’t good.

_kra-krak-BOOM!_

Before John could react, tendrils of energy began to snake around the room, one headed straight for his chest. Loud cracks, booms, and flashes of light filled the air. As the lighting spiraled towards him, John realized his reflexes weren’t fast enough to dodge the line of fine. This was it. He was going to die.

John closed his eyes and waited for the end. But… It didn’t feel like the end.

Tentatively, John cracked open his eyes. Frozen right in front of his eyes, the bolt of energy hovered so close to him he could see the hairline tendrils branching out from the center.

He looked around. Everything in the lab was bathed in a warm red glow, as opposed to the harsh green tones of earlier. Squinting upwards, John noticed an ornate translucent clock face hovering over the entire room, rotating and bathing the entire room in its glow.

“Hey.”

John whipped around, narrowly avoiding the frozen lighting.

Next to him stood Aradia, but also…Not Aradia? This Aradia was more beaten up, her beautiful costume torn, and her hands extended outward, pressing against some invisible wall only she could see.

John scrunched his face in confusion.

“Time shenanigans, John.” she explained kindly.

“Oh. That makes sense. Sort of.”

“Yes but-” Aradia paused and trained her eyes on Spades Slick’s menacing form, grimacing with concentration, “Ironically, I can only do this for so long.”

“Thanks anyway for giving me a breather,” John replied.

Aradia chuckled, not once taking her eyes off Slick.

“John,” she said, “I really, really think you should try to do the windy thing. Maybe not now, but learn how to control it, okay?”

Filled with determination, John stood up straighter, pushed his shoulders back and set his jaw.

“Okay.”

 

* * *

 

 

_In the past, but not far…_

 

* * *

 

 

**DAVE STRIDER: HAVE MENTAL BREAKDOWN.**

 

_Nonononononononononono_

Dave Strider cradled Jade’s limp body in his arms. Blonde hair gently brushed against Jade’s elegantly still face. It was too still, too still for Jade. He tried his best to keep it together, to be the person the situation called him to be, but-

_This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to her._

Dave felt a bitter, stinging lump rise in his throat. A tear forced it’s way out from behind his clenched eyelids, rolling down his cheeks before landing on Jade’s bloodstained dress. No. He had to keep it together. He had to keep it together. He had to-

_Shitshitshit_

_Why didn’t I protect her? Why am I such absolute shit at being a hero? Why-_

“Your friend isn’t dead yet, silly!”

Wiping tears away from under his shades, Dave looked up to see a warm friendly face smiling at him, cheerful eyes shining at him through pink-rimmed glasses.

“She’s not?”

Feferi giggled, tickled pink by this remark. “Nope! I’m healing her right now! You sea, your friend here is only _mostly_ dead. She isn’t _all_ dead. If she was all dead, well, then there’d be nothing I could do to kelp her!”

Feferi did seem to be helping Jade. Gently, she removed the knife from Jade’s stomach and pressed one hand against her wound, and the other against her chest. Feferi’s hands glowed green, nothing like harsh green tones of Slick’s lightning, but rather, a softer, gentler green, like the stem of a dandelion on a warm summer day.

“You’re sure this will work?” Dave asked.

“Of course it will work.” A gruff voice said in an uncharacteristically sympathetic tone.

“Hey,” Karkat said, laying a hand on Dave’s shoulder, “Let Feferi do her thing. Don’t overthink it, mortality is stupid anyway. Jade will be back to her annoyingly hyperactive self in no time.”

Standing up, Dave gave Karkat a fist bump, which he reluctantly accepted.

“Thanks man, I needed that.”

Determined to avenge Jade, Dave drew his katana and began to run into the fray. Suddenly, a sharp force yanked at his neck. Dave screeched to a halt, lest he suffered the same fate as John and his ridiculously long windsock.

“Not so fast, Mr. Coolkid,” Terezi said, “You’ve got to wait your turn.”

“Terezi’s right,” Rose added, “We need to wait for Spades Slick to be tired out by John, Aradia and-”

“Oof!” Nepeta’s lithe body flew over their heads and slammed into the wall behind them, knocking her out.

“Well, perhaps not Nepeta. However, I’m sure John is perfectly capable of handling the challenge at hand. Once Slick has been worn out by the valiant soldiers on the front lines of battle, the rest of us can swoop in for the kill.”

For some reason Karkat flinched slightly at those last words. Nevertheless, he started rambling on once again.

“Sure, fine. I don’t trust any of you new shitheads farther than I can throw you, but if Terezi says that’s what we need to do, well then…”

And so, Dave and the others held back. He did see the tactical advantage in waiting for Slick to get tired out, but frankly, John was getting his scrawny little ass kicked.

His leg twitching up and down, Dave started to get antsy. He wasn’t used to watching someone fight his battles for him. Finally, Dave had had enough. He didn’t care what Terezi or Rose or Karkat said. He was going out there and helping John, no matter the personal cost.

With a sharp metallic sound, Dave drew his katana from its scabbard and began sprinting full force away from the congregation of teenagers, staring into the heat of battle.

Dave pushed his way through the front line of his friend, ready to kick Slick’s ass in whatever way possible, and then… Time stopped.

 

* * *

 

John took a deep breath in.

He thought of the sky. He thought of the feeling of running through the park with Jade. Of exhilarating adventures with his friends. Of every time he looked up at the sky, or embraced his best friends, or curled up under a soft blanket with a good movie and realized how good life could be. He thought of his Dad, and his Nanna, and how his father smiled so widely at him whenever he agreed to make a cake with him, no matter how bad the final result was. He thought of Dave and Rose and Jade and Karkat and every single other friend in the whole entire world he had to fight for.

“I’m ready.”

The Aradia who had been helping him gave John a gentle nod, and released her grip on the flow of time.

_Ka-POW!_

Slick’s lightning strike hit the wall right where John had been standing. Confused, he turned around to face where John was standing and took aim again.

_BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!_

Time and time again, Spades Slick’s attacks hit only metal. John was simply too fast for him. He zipped around the room faster than he had ever run before. John didn’t know how he was doing it. He simply _did._

Frustrated, Slick stopped aiming at John, his ever-elusive target. John was one slippery bastard, that was for sure.

“Now!” Terezi shouted, sensing an opening.

A mob a sweaty, anxiety-ridden teenagers began to charge Spades Slick, some using special abilities, and others not.

Slick repeatedly shot bolts of energy at them, causing explosions where they were standing, sometimes just throwing good old-fashioned knifes, but to no avail. Unfortunately for Slick, who was normally rather good in a fight, he had quite the lack of experience at aiming or controlling his newfound power.

Suddenly, the gears in his head clicked. He was aiming at the wrong target.

Forcing his better hand to the sky, Slick summoned a tremendous amount of energy, tapping into as much of his power as he could, and forced it all towards the celing. His blasts shook the building, bolts of green lightning crackling across the lab, overloading the equipment and causing some of it to explode.

“He’s trying to bring down the lab!” Rose shouted.

The mob of teens began to scream, breaking into anarchy. Some ran for the hills, while others stayed put, frantically dodging pieces of falling plaster.

John and Dave ran straight for Slick, trying to bring him down, but his aura of green energy had gotten so large that lighting emanated out from around him, striking them whenever they drew close.

A structural support beam crashed to the ground, blocking the doorway except for a small space to squeeze through. Booms so loud, they sounded like cannons, echoed across hallways. John and Dave had given up hope, and only hoped to get some of their friends through the hole in time.

Just when it looked like the whole building was about to collapse in on itself, Other Aradia tackled Spades Slick as hard as she could, freezing him in time, but burning herself badly in the process.

“Aradia! What are you doing?” John said frantically

“Come on idiots, we have to get out of here!” Terezi yelled.

“Dave! John! Just leave me! Get out of here, okay?” Other Aradia begged.

Reluctantly, John went with Terezi and Dave. The three of them sprinted through tight corridors and long hallways, the whole time the threat of the building collapsing on them hanging over their heads like the sword of Damocles.

In a matter of minutes, they reached the grassy field near the lab where the others were waiting. John watched as the laboratory gave a mighty rumble and a flash of red on green light poured through the windows, before the building crumbled into nothingness, and flames consumed the remnants. It almost seemed beautiful, in a terrible, awe-inspiring way.

“Aradia…” he said, unable to finish the thought.

“John, it’s okay. I’m right here.” Aradia said gently.

“But, you were just in there! And you died! You might be here now, but I don’t want you to die later because you have to avoid a paradox!” John protested.

“She was probably from a doomed timeline, John. All members of an offshoot timeline are doomed, no matter what. At the very least, her death wasn’t in vain.” Aradia said in an attempt to comfort John.

Still overwhelmed by Other Aradia’s death, John turned away from the smoking remnants of the lab and started walking home with his friends. John slipped by Gamzee, who was mostly spaced out, but seemed somewhat aware that something serious had happened. He noticed Feferi and Eridan, who were talking to each other, and Terezi, who was walking by herself with her head hung low in shame of what, in her eyes, was a defeat. Stopping by Equius, who supported the nearly-unconscious Nepeta, John gave Nepeta a huge hug and thanked her for all the help she gave him. Tavros and Sollux walked side by side in a complete silence, only broken by the mechanical whirrs and clicks of Tavros’s prosthetics.

Lastly, he passed Vriska. She said nothing, but her haughty gaze told him she had expected better.

He caught up to the front of the group, where his friends were. Kanaya attempted to console Rose, who was visibly shaken by Jade’s injury and near-death experience. Dave and Karkat walked side by side, Dave carrying Jade’s unconscious figure in his arms, his face stoic and his cape limply dragging along the ground.

John said, “That sure was something, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Karkat added weakly, “It sure was.”

Letting out a deep sigh, John cast his gaze towards the beautiful sunrise, which casted warm tones of orange and pink across the clouds.

The group didn’t speak after that, with nobody having the courage to break the silence with the events of the recent past weighing down on them. Just as the reached the front door or Rose’s house, however, a thought crossed John’s mind that he couldn’t help but voice.

“Do you think anyone else used the lab?”

 

* * *

 

Miles away, in what would have felt like another world to our intrepid heroes, Roxy Lalonde strapped on her navy blue combat boots. She had a job to do.

  
  
  
**END OF ACT 2**


	11. INTERMISSION: STREET WRITER

 

**== >INTERMISSION: STREET WRITER **

 

**> AH: ENGAGE IN HIGHLY INDULGENT SELF-INSERTION INTO STORY**

**What?**

**Oh, hell no. That is always such a terrible idea.**

 

**The comic’s over, anyway. What am I even-**

_ _

_HIIIIIII-YAH!_

**_OH DEAR SWEET TROLL JEGUS WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING SHIT IS GOING ON_ **

_ _

_I have commandeered this story from your undeserving hands, and I intend to pilot this ship_

_wherever the hell I so choose! You may have had the had the upper hand, with your massive following and your “actual website”, but oh, the turn-tables! How they have turned!_

_ _

**_Scram, kid! I don’t have time for  this. There’s a beautiful mare waiting for me whose affections I must win._ **

_ _

_As if! Do you know how long this fanfiction is? It’s got to be at least 10,000 words long by now. Do you what that is? IT’S OVER NINE THOUSAND._

_I poured my heart and soul into this fic to progress far enough in the story for me to meet you. Since the very first day, I’ve been waiting to do battle with you! I haven’t come this far to be deterred by a sad webcomic artist who wants to screw a horse! This is my town now, you son of a bitch! So you know what?_

_ _

 

_You..._

 

 

_can..._

 

_suck…_

_IT!!!!!!!!!!!_

_ _

_ _

_Well, glad that’s taken care of._

 

**> DS: RECAP.**

** **

_Recap? Why would you want a recap? You realize this story isn’t that long, relative to, y’know, Homestuck. I’m actually pretty sure the original recap was about the same length as the story right now._

_Well, if you insist._

_John Egbert wakes up, frightened from a nightmare, a week after he and his friends were involved in a mysterious accident in his grandfather’s lab. His cousin, Jade, thinks he shouldn’t worry about it. However, John still insists on checking up on Rose and Dave._

_In the meantime, Dave is pissed as all hell at Rose. He gives a long rant about how riled up John is, and tell Rose to get her sorry ass down there. I attempted to then change the point of view, but Rose was rather fussy about it._

_With everyone in Rose’s living room, Dave sits next to Jade and chats a bit while Rose psychoanalyzes John. She comes to the conclusion that they should return to the lab and address what happened that fateful night. Dave, however, thinks this is a shit idea, and so does everyone else. They all storm off in different directions, and Dave screws around with some weird turntables he found at the lab. Suddenly, the doorbell rings, Dave answers it, and finds an member of the Midnight Crew sent to kill him._

_This is not a good day for Dave._

_Jade is woken up from her nap by the gunshots and fighting. She runs downstairs to see Dave and Rose engaged in a strife with Hearts Boxcars, who is clobbered on the head by John, giving Jade a window of opportunity to shoot him and run._

_Inside the lab, John is pestered by a mysterious user who knows about the lab accident and says to meet him at six o’clock the next day._

_As it turns out, this user is are good friend Karkat. Dave time-travels in, causing Jade to nearly lose her lunch, and tells Karkat about what’s happened to them so far._

_Wow, a recap within a recap._

_Miles away, Spades Slick receives a phone calls from Hearts Boxcars, who’s bleeding out from his gunshot wound. Intent on killing Jade and taking the mysterious power hidden in the lab for himself._

_At about three in the morning, Jade realizes their costumes are absolute shit. None of her friends are dressed sensibly for battle, or really even walking around the neighborhood, but time’s up and they need to go to the lab and meet Karkat and his friends. Once they get there, and Rose subtly but somewhat ineffectively hits on Kanaya, Karkat sends Equius to break down the lab door. Even though, to be honest, Jade could probably just open the door herself. Seeming rather upset, Equius returns with the news that the door has already been blasted open, and with more dread weighing in their hearts, our intrepid heroes enter the lab._

_Vriska gives some really shitty exposition to John that took up, like a whole chapter, and I really don’t want to recap that, so I’ll just post a summary of troll romance instead._

 > _ **NO.**_

_You don’t think I’ll do it? You don’t think the absolute certainty of laziness and the simple pressure of being expected to include a certain number of words in a fic won’t make me include the ENTIRE segment on troll romance? Maybe you think this is all just a big joke? Perhaps you think I’m weak??????_

_GUESS AGAIN, BITCH._

**_> OH MY GOD._ **

**_ _ **

**_Humans have only one form of romance. And though we consider it a complicated subject, spanning a wide range of emotions, social conventions, and implications for reproduction, it is ultimately a superficial slice of what trolls consider the full body of romantic experience. Our concept of romance, in spite of its capacity to fill our art and literature and to rule our individual destinies like little else, is still just that. A single, linear concept. A concept usually denoted by a single symbol._ **

 

**_< 3_ **

 

**_Troll romance is more complicated than that. Troll romance needs four symbols._ **

 

**_Their understanding of romance is divided into halves, and halved again, producing four quadrants: the FLUSHED QUADRANT, the CALIGINOUS QUADRANT, the PALE QUADRANT, and the ASHEN QUADRANT._ **

 

**_Each quadrant is grouped by the half they share, whether horizontally or vertically, depending on the overlapping properties one examines. The sharpest dichotomy, from an emotional perspective, is drawn between RED ROMANCE and BLACK ROMANCE._ **

 

**_RED ROMANCE, comprised of the flushed and pale quadrants, is a form of romance rooted in strongly positive emotions. BLACK ROMANCE, with its caliginous and ashen quadrants, is rooted in the strongly negative._ **

 

**_On the other hand, the vertical bifurcation has to do with the purpose of the relationship, regardless of the emotions behind it. Those quadrants which are CONCUPISCENT, the flushed and caliginous, have to do with facilitating the elaborate reproductive cycle of trolls. Those which are CONCILIATORY, the pale and ashen, would be more closely likened to platonic relationships by human standards._ **

 

**_There are many parallels between human relationships and the various facets of troll romance. Humans have words to describe relationships of a negative nature, or of a platonic nature. The difference is, for humans, those relationships would never be conceptually grouped with romance. Establishing those sort of relationships for humans is not driven by the same primal forces that drive our tendency to couple romantically. But for trolls, those primal forces involve themselves in the full palette of these relationships, red or black, torrid or friendly. Trolls typically feel strongly compelled to find balance in each quadrant, and seek gratifying relationships that each describes._ **

 

**_The challenge is particularly tortuous for young trolls, who must reconcile the wide range of contradictory emotions associated with this matrix, while understanding the nature of their various romantic urges for the first time._ **

 

**_Of course, young humans have this challenge too. But for trolls, the challenge is fourfold._ **

 

**_When two individuals find themselves in the flushed quadrant together, they are said to be MATESPRITS. Matespritship is the closest parallel to the human concept of romance trolls have. It plays a role in the trolls' reproductive cycle, just as it does for humans._ **

 

**_This is pretty obvious! Not much more needs to be said about this. Moving right along._ **

 

**_When a pair of adversaries delve into this quadrant, they become each other's KISMESIS. As one of the concupiscent quadrants, it plays a role in procreation as well. There is no particularly good human translation for this concept. The closest would be an especially potent arch-rivalry._ **

 

**_For instance, human players would never be able to adequately diagnose the relationship between the queen and her archagent. But troll players could immediately place it as a dead ringer for kismesissitude. They would think we were all pretty stupid for not getting it. And they would be right._ **

 

**_Trolls have a complicated reproductive cycle. It's probably best not to examine it in much detail._ **

 

**_The need to seek out concupiscent partners comes with more urgency than typical reproductive instincts. When the IMPERIAL DRONE comes knocking, you had better be able to supply genetic material to each of his FILIAL PAILS. If you have nothing to offer, he will kill you without hesitation._ **

 

**_The genetic material - WITHOUT GOING INTO MUCH DETAIL - is a combinative genetic mix from the matesprit and kismesis pairs, respectively. The pails are all offered to the mother grub, who can only receive such precombined material. She then combines all of it into one incestuous slurry, and begins her brooding._ **

 

**_This doesn't mean the initial combination was for naught, however. In the slurry, more dominant genes rise to the fore, while the more recessive find less representation in the brood. Especially strong matesprit and kismesis pairings yield more dominant genetic material. The more powerful the complement or potent the rivalry, the more dominant the genes._ **

 

**_TROLL REPRODUCTION SURE IS WEIRD. We all take a moment to lament how pedestrian the human reproductive system is, and further lament that the phrase "incestuous slurry" is not a feature of common parlance in human civilization._ **

 

**_This quadrant involves a particular type of three-way relationship of a black romantic nature. Falling on the conciliatory side, it has no bearing on the reproductive cycle, except for indirect ramifications._ **

 

**_When two trolls are locked in a feud or some otherwise contentious relationship, one can intervene and become their AUSPISTICE. The auspistice mediates between the two, playing the role of a peace keeper, preventing the feud from boiling over into a fully caliginous rivalry._ **

 

**_Since such lesser feuds are quite common among trolls, there is a significant need for auspisticing parties. Without them, too many ashen feuds would become caliginous, and begin to conflict with other exclusive kismesis relationships, leading to a great deal of social complexity and sore feelings (even more so than black romance usually involves). Without auspisticism, the result would be widespread black infidelity._ **

 

**_The relationships each quadrant describes tend to be malleable, if not volatile, especially on the concupiscent half where more torrid emotions reside. It doesn't take much to flip a switch and transmute blackrom feelings to redrom, and vice versa._ **

 

**_In many cases, one party will have red feelings while the other has black. But it will often be the case that one party's feelings will swap to match the other's, since there is no quadrant which naturally accommodates such a disparity. But thereafter, it's not uncommon for the two to toggle between red and black in unison now and then. These scenarios naturally result in both red and black infidelities._ **

 

**_This sort of relationship volatility is why conciliatory relationships are an important part of troll romance._ **

 

**_An auspistice can stabilize particularly turbulent relationships. If the auspistice fails to mediate properly, or has no interest in the role, or perhaps has different romantic intentions him/herself altogether, then the relationship often quickly deteriorates into one of an especially hostile and torrid nature. There are many outside factors and influences tugging and pulling these relationships in different directions, and unlike humans who have very orderly, simple, straightforward romantic relationships without exception, trolls exist in a state of almost perpetual confusion and generally have no idea what the hell is going on._ **

 

**_Being confused by troll relationships is one thing we do have in common though._ **

 

**_This quadrant presides over MOIRALLEGIENCE, the other conciliatory relationship. A reasonable human translation would be the concept of a soul mate, but in a more platonic sense, and with a more specific social purpose._ **

 

**_Trolls are a very angry and violent race. Some are more hot-tempered and dangerous than others, to the extent that if left to their own devices, they would present a serious threat to society, or even to themselves. Such trolls will have an instinctive pale attraction to a more even-tempered troll, who may become their MOIRAIL. The moirail is obliged to pacify the other, to function as the better half. The two partners in a strong pale relationship will serve to balance and complement each other's emotional profiles, and thus allow their other relationships to be more successful._ **

 

**_It's often ambiguous especially among young trolls whether a bond formed between an acquaintance is true moirallegence, or the usual variety of platonic involvement. Furthermore, romantic intentions of a more flushed nature can often be mistaken for paler leanings, much to the frustration of the suitor._ **

 

**_But some pale pairings, as the one above, will be strikingly obvious to all who know them._ **

 

**_God you just can't get enough of this can you! That would have been a great point for a transition out of this illustrated sociological study, but ok, if you insist._ **

 

**_Now see, what's going on here is..._ **

 

**_It's perfectly simple. When the full matrix of troll romance is in action, we have... uh..._ **

 

**_Hey, why don't you figure it out! You should be an expert on all this by now anyway._ **

 

**_Later our troll hero would try to explain this to our human hero, attempting to convey all the nuance of troll romance through a nearly verbatim recitation of the preceding excerpts._ **

 

**_He would try to describe how rich and textured the troll romantic comedies were compared to the one dimensional schlock of our human cinematic counterparts. He would barely scratch the surface of Troll Will Smith's virtuosity with the delicate lattice of troll romance, as he would assist the bumbling fudgeblooded Troll Kevin James through the interwoven minefield-briarpatch of redrom and blackrom entanglements, all the while sifting through his own prickly romantic situation and ultimately learning the true meaning of hate and pity. But would they succeed before the imperial drone came knocking with his thirsty pails at the ready??? Yes, they would._ **

 

**_But John didn't understand any of this because he's a moron, and he wouldn't shut up about his awful bullshit Earth movies. He would just go on and on and on about that garbage._ **

 

**_But if there was one theme to be hammered through his thick skull, it would be the trolls' cultural preoccupation with romantic destiny. Yes, the romantic landscape is rife with false starts and miscues and infidelities, red and black. But every troll believes strongly that each quadrant holds one and only one true pairing for them, and it is just a matter of time before the grid is filled with auspicious matchups through the mysterious channels of TROLL SERENDIPITY._ **

 

**_In short, their belief is that for each quadrant there exists a pair or triad of trolls somewhere in the cosmos that were..._ **

 

**_MADE FOR EACH OTHER._ **

  


_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA!_

_HA!_

_Wow, I’m tired._

_That was really long. And it probably tricked you into thinking this chapter was longer and more important than it actually is. Oh, well._

_Anyway, the important part is that in the past, but not far, Spades Slick got a bunch of jacked up powers using the equipment in the secret lab. That’s what we refer to as an “uh-oh.”_

_This is approximately when shit hits the fan. The kids walk into the secret lab, and Slick lunges at Jade, strangling her to the point of near death. Aradia and John begin to fight him, but John trips on his own hood and falls over. Nepeta takes his place and uses her mechanized claws to swipe at Spades Slick, who, to everyone’s surprise, teleports out of harm’s way. He uses his new powers to catch Nepeta off guard and kick her against a wall. They strife some more until Slick sends a lightning bolt straight for John’s heart. John thinks he’s a goner, but an Aradia from a doomed timeline shows up and stops time._

_Meanwhile, Dave grieves over Jade’s near dead body. Feferi works on healing Jade, and attempts to comfort Dave, but Karkat finally gets him to calm down. Rose and Terezi instruct the for the right moment to strike, and when that moment arrives, they finally do._

_Slick, overwhelmed by the mass of angry, sweaty, teenagers, attempts to use his abilities to bring down the entire lab. A few people manage to get out, but falling wreckage makes getting out a slow process. All John and Dave can hope to do is hold off Slick long enough for the others to escape._

_Suddenly, the doomed Aradia tackles Slick, giving John, Dave and the others the time they need to escape. The get the heck out of the lab, and watch it crumble from a safe distance._

_Saddened by the death of the doomed Aradia, John catches up with his friends, who are shocked by the events that just happened. John wonders aloud if anyone else used the lab before they did._

 

**_> WELL, SHIT._ **

 

_I sure hope you liked that, because I did not waste nearly six hours of my life for a half-assed attempt at meta humor with jack shit plot relevance for nothing._

  
_Now’s probably a good time to check up on Roxy, come to think of it. She_ is _the hottest haxx0r bitch who ever lived, you know. Wonder what she’s up to._


	12. BE ROLAL.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this brief chapter of largely unimportant events. Unless you count Roxy's first appearance. This is the literary equivalent of those weird candies you eat at your grandma's house while you wait for her to finish cooking that big-ass turkey.

**BE ROLAL.**

 

“Dammit, why do these things have to be so hard to put on?”

 

In a dark, unknown, and slightly moldy place, Roxy Lalonde tugged her navy combat boots on.

 

“On you go, little buddy.” she said, tapping her left boot into place.

 

“Okay. I got this. Shouldn’t be too hard, right? Just sneak into Derse, get the lowdown on the new queen bee, and shimmy right the fuck out. Mayor’s orders. I totally got this.” Roxy said to herself in an effort to boost her confidence.

It did not work.

Roxy tied the final piece of her uniform into place, a blue mask, meant to protect her identity. Of course, if everything went according to plan, she wouldn’t really need it anymore. 

Flipping her hood up, Roxy looked herself over in her minimalist bedroom mirror. Everything about her outfit, from the form-fitting tights, to the navy blue shades it was decorated in was designed for this specific job. Maybe she didn’t feel like a badass, but damn if the didn’t look the part.

“Now, for the real test.”

Roxy shut her eyes. She concentrated as hard as she could.

_ C’mon girl,  _ she thought. _ Think, like… voidy thoughts? Shit, that doesn’t make sense. Maybe not making sense is part of the whole shebang? Over thinking this might be kinda bad… but I’m not using the alternative. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccck.  _

Concentrating was hard.

Clearing her mind once again, Roxy let her breathing slow and her mind slip into nothingness. Her arms, th en hw er leg̊͊ͣ̚sͬ̄̓̅n̂ͪ bͫ͐̑͂ͦ̈́̔ẽ͋g̓̃ͫ̎͌͑ả̅͐nͦ͂́ ̽̑̓ͩͨ̽t̔͌î͒ ͦ̑̈́͗̊͆͆f́ͭ͐̏̓a͋͐̈́̚dͩ̍ ̐ͬͥ̈́ͣ̅̓un̈́͑t͒i͛l͑͑ͣͤ́ ̊̋̍̒̀ͨn̓͌̈o͑ͬͭ͐ͨͩͪt̅͌̆̈ͬͧh̓i̋͆ͭ̀nͫͨ͂̄̒̓ͦg̒ͨ̐̏ͩ̎ͨ ͫ̉̄ͩͥ͂̚w̌̄̃̔à̎͗͂s ̃ͬͮlͣ͊ȇͪ̓̈́̔̃̚ḡtͣͪ̐͆̌ ͐ͫͧh̓̑ͧer̓ͭ̍ͦ̃̓ ̑̾̈͒m̀i͛ń̔̌̃̔͛̒d̀̐̃ͤ s̨̘̯͉͊ͪ͝l̰̪̰̖̩̻̘̀ͨͩ̕͝o̎̽̋͗͆ͫ̚͏̯͎͡p̶̩̖̫̮͚͎̔ͮͤͣ̚͝e̙̬̱̻̬ͥͮ̈͊̓ͤ̓̌͘̕d̶̶̞͍̻̬̟̙̮ͭ̄ͮ̂ͭ̌͗̐͆͡ͅ ͯ̉͑̿͊͊̃҉̫i͈̘̊͢n̦̹̣͍̩̭̝̳ͤ̈̿̄͒̓́͢t̸͚͆̿ͨó̴͉̖ͬ̐̅̉͛ͮ ̣̞̱̘̪̅ͤͥ̿̾ͣ̌t̵̢̞͓͇̤̫̜ͤ͒̾h̶̩̲̹̟̤͈ͫͨͮ̇́̃̕e̦̹̥̙̹̩̤̲̓̏̋͊ͅ ̛̯͕̟̞͓̈̀ͦ̋́f̱̗̰͙͎̰̙̉ͭͩ̄́͘͠v̥̗̲̞ͩ̀̈́͜o͔̠̺̼̦̟̜̖̹̽̉i̽̏ͧ͘҉̮d̢͔̰͚͙͇̻͑̐ ̶̨̱̠͇͇̺̆̏͗̀̃ͅl͎͇͔̝̬̝͚͆̇̉ͦ̂͐n͚͍͙̳͖͕̹ͨͥ̋͗́͗͋̎́o̧̡͉̱̫̠̰ͦ͛ͤͮ͢t̸̝̹̖͍̘̱̥̞͆͟h͕̘͈͔͚͕̻ͫͮͩ̋ͨͭͭͭi̸̝̱̗̒̊̃̾̋ͩ̿n̢ͯ̀ͣ͜͏͎̹̜g̸̶̲̦̭̠̲̗̱̘̅ͯ̆̔̈n̝̰͂̍͝͡ẽ̡̦̹͇͇͓̪̌ͤş͉̟̖̠̤ͧ̃́s̉͗ͤ͊̏҉̢̫̠̥͖͎,̵̢̢͚̤̱͔̬̐́ͣ ̳̭̒̽f̶̤̹̥̩̯̖̪ͪ͌̔ͅų͖͕̜̃̇́̕c̢̩̟͓̭ͩ͜͡k͙͚̺̩ͣ̌͟͜,̧̞̮͔̞̩̱̺ͧ͊͂͂ ̳͍͇̣͎̗͗̓̀̋͝ͅi̴̴̭ͥ͌͑̈́͝ţ͔͔͎̦͔͓̗̟̾ͨ̉ ̶͖̲̥̝̳͖̂̾̍͋̍ͪ̚w̨̢̱̫͍̤̬̺̲͒̋̑͂ͯ̄̎̃͘a̧͇̲̘̲̍̍̄̋͆͒ͧ̅͟s̯̱͗̂̑ͬ̂͌͞ ̩̺͉̠̻̖̯͈͆ͣ͗̉ͥ͗̀͝ā̊͒҉͇̪̦͡ ̢̮̺̎̓ͬͣ͆ͪ͢͜s̡̻͕̻͍̙ͪ͌c̘̞͈̠̬̹̲͎͓ͬ͌̈́͐͛̿͡a͉̱̥͙̼͎̻͒̂͛͆̈́͡r̡̽ͨ͂̉ͪ̌͌ͅy̷͎͛͗͋̎̔ͩ͝ ̸̷̺̖̞̪͐̄͠f̷̘̮̮̠̑̓ͯ̍̇͞e̘̩̦͇̮̦͈͙̭̊ͥ̆ͭͯ̀̽ẹ̳̺͕ͦ͋͐ͥ̌̅ļ̯̻̤̟̦͍̘̲̼̾̾̒̔ͬ́ỉ͊͛̒͌̈́҉̩͓͝n̴̛͈̭͔̝͓̺̹͙̒̾͘g̜̦̩͂ͭ̓̈̽̄,̧̈́̏ͣ͝ͅ ̧͉̮͈̬̠͛̿͒̀͑̅ͬ̚ͅroxy thireȏ͒͒̃ͮ͘ ͛̃ͥ͜g̿͑͘ai̿͌̍̑͟n̎̐̽̉̀ͬ͂ ͦ̓c̢ͫo̡͋͋̓n̉̽ͬ͋̓̑͜t͑̐ͭ̊̈́rͪ͐̊̇͛̎̿ỏ̀̔ͮl̛͐ͨơͧ̎̓͋̊̈́f҉ ͐ͧ̃͐̉̿̚hͧͦͤͨ̓͂͊r̶͊̃̏̆͌ l̨̂̓͐̇ag̡̍s ̵͐̓wͨͧͨh̸ͬͪ͑͋̅̒̓i͆̐̀̈l͑eͩͤ̆ͦͮͨ rͫͣ̈̏͛̈́̉ẻ̚m̡̑̈́̔iͥ́̈́̀͞n͡i̵͑̂̒ͤn͏g͢d incorperal and-

 

_ Shit! _

 

Roxy popped back into existence, frustrated at her inability to do the voidy thing. She doubted for a second if she could even recreate the events of that fateful night.

 

“No,” she said to herself, determined beyond all belief. “I’m gonna do this.”

 

She squeezed her eyes shut again, and focused all her intent on fizzing out of reality. Her form, obscuredb̼̞͔̻̪͓͖y̴͎͈̦̭̠ͅͅ ̮t̥͔̣he̸͖͎̮̫̬ ͅv͇̻̘͍̭͓o̠id̴̻͙̼̣͉,̵̗͎͉ ̬̫̰b̴̮̳̣͓̼͉̭e̬͙g̞̣a̞̟n͉ ̹̖̟̩̦͎t͎̗o̝͚̯̫̥ ͎̯̺̫̱̠̟f͍̰͇̫l̵̼̦͚̜͇͓i͖͇c̙͙̲͔̘k̴̘e̜̠̮͖̗͈̲̕r̠̕ ̫̣͡i̻̹̗n̶a̧̜̟̟ ̴̦͇̘͔̜̯͖n̯d̬̰̮̮͍̭ ͚̫o͓̣͔u̸̪t̨͖̭͚̟̣͍͓ ͕̀o̰f́ ͏̞̻̱̫r̛̭̯͎e̫͙̠͕̪͜a̟l̯̮͖̥͔̤i͈̞̟͓̞͙̕ṱ̜̠̯͠y̮͙̪̥̻.̶̞͓̱͇͎ S̈́ͮ̂̊́̇̈́ͮ͏̞̱̪̗̪̘̰̝h̎̀͗҉̴̸̬̝̜̘̗͔̩è̙̰̦͍͂ͯ̈̐̊ ͕̞͉̫͇̬̈́̀̑ͮ͜ṏ̶͚̪͙̥̦́̂̋ͅp̶͇̠͕̺ͯ̉ͬ̎̇ͧ̑ͨ́è̩̟͙͉̝̳͑n̶̢͙͉̳̳̣͔͚͔ͪͬ̿̀e̢͉͎̫͍̝̪̿ͧ̓ͨͫ̔̍ͅd̬̪͍̯̠̥̦͗ͮͬ́ ̐̏͗ͨ͏̙̩̻̣̱̞͈̮e̴̼͈̫̪̰͔͇̺̙ͬ̏̽͂ͫ̇̚r̺̙͍͚̣̱͚̦͊̽ͭͧ̀̒͑ͮ̊ ̧͒ͭ̒҉͉̖̝̣̤̠̪̲ͅę̥̜̖̲̜͙͂͒̐͒̐̕uͪ́̌̐҉͕̜̱̙̯͘eͦ̓̒ͣ́̀͟҉̥̥̗͓͙̭s̸͗̃̓҉̺̰,̨̪͚̰͈̉͋̓ͯ̆̍̌̃̚ ͓͉͔̰͖̇̃̓̋ͩͩ̊ͤ́ͅͅͅa̳̼̯ͥ̽͆ͧņ̶͙̠̫̬̣̩͔͛ͨ̊ͤd̛̺̦͎̟̪̰̬̏͊̍̔ͤ͑̔̚ ̡̯̫͒ͧͪͩ͌͂̀t͍̭̺̺̱̭̱̆̈́̀͡e̵̺̩͇̙̠̰͔͛̓̽̒͘ǹ̻͖̣͔̥̭̙̱̟͗ͣ̅͋̆͡t̄͐̇͂͏̦̤̤̤̘̦͇̙e͎̭͍̘͙̻ͪ͆̇͒ͮ́̈͡ͅã͓̹̬̤ͧ͆͑t̜̰̺̩̻͔̰̭͗̋̿͒̒i̱̥̥̻͈͎̽̃v̴̧̮̜͔̲ͥ̀ȅ̟̬̟̼̲̝͉͐ͪ̌̎̔̇́lͥ͆ͬ̒͏͍̟͍̺̰͇ ̵̩͍̣̯̺͓̹̙͛͑ͣ̑ͯ̐͋̓ͦbͦͬ̒͌ͭ҉̫͎́ȩ̭̹̭̫̱̼̽ͦ̑ͤ̒ͥͮ͆g̵̡͈̮͔̟̣ͩ̆ͯ̿͒ͧ͗̊a̧̤̱͍̲̣̅̓͘͡n̷̏̀̃҉͎̣̮̙͚̼̖̠ ̛̛̼̪̬̟̹̫͇͉̝̱̍̾ͭ̔̾̀͐̂c̶̤̯͈̺̱̤͖͂̉o̗̗̔ͪ͐͊̚͢ǹ̨̲͓̳͓͈̟̒̓͐ͅt̴̟͚̦̩ͬͨ̚̚r̩͇̘̱̎ͨ̑̌͆̑̀̕͟o̴͈͓̜̠̹̩̟͕͖ͯͯ̽͛̄͛͟l̑͗͗ͫ͐͒ͩ̏҉͔̝̺̦͔̳̼ĭ̧̢̩̬̮̥̤̻͈͔̤͋̒̉̚n̵͇͙̩͒̽ͮ̓̓g̴̢̙̯̏́ͭ͆ͬ ͓̖͍̈̎h̛̺̞̣̫͉ͪ̈ͭͣ͌ę̴̤͙̱̞̲̱̀ͯr̻̜͓̱͖̱ͨ͑̽̍̂̽ͮ͢ ̡̡̨̥̼̪̠͈̪̖͉̑̄̾i͛͏̯̣̮̩̯n̛̰̰̗̯̤̖͆͠ẗ̸̮̖͍̠́ͩͧ̀́͝ͅa͓̤̗͖͙̍͑n̟̳̥ͥ̑̅͟i̛̤͔̗̞̗̯̯̲͋͒̐̇͐̄͐b̳̠͙̥̈ͫ̐̑̍ͬ̐̚͘l̸͖̩͚̪̜͇̰̥ͭ̿̉̏͘͡ͅḛ͓͎̜͎̝ͮ̋̓ ̧̃͂̐̉̄̇̔҉͔̣̮͚̯̘̬͡b̴̗̙̦̱̘̟͒̀̇ͣ͗͠͞o̱̯̗̻̱͎̰͂͗̌̀̌ͣͩͦ͝ͅd̼̹͍͙͎̰̬ͫ̏̀͢y̱̮͇̍ͫ͂ͮ̄͢l͐̌̾҉̰͉̟̠̠͟b̒̓̓ͩͩ̇͏̞̖͖͖͜ ̡̭̜̤͂̀S̨̰̞͔̫̖ͮͥͧ̿̋̑̃̚W̞̥̤̳̠͚ͧͬͬͯ͗͘͘͠o̵̝̯ͥͤͤţ̘̖͓̯̮͇̫͚͍̆ͤ̍͝ḩ̅ͨ̀͏̼̯̜̩ ̛̆̿̒̓͐ͭ҉̮̹̜͎̞ä̡͕̟́̿ͫ̂̎̚n̑̂̿ͪ͒̚͏̞̯̭̱̘̦d̫͖̗̣̬̮͂ͮ͗͊ͅ ̡̭̞̫͙͎͓̫̦̇̿ͩ̈́̍̋͢͝s͉̻̩̙͓̝̝̐͐͑w̨̖͕͕̠̫̣̪͓͈̃̃ͬ̄̅̚i̽̓̅͗̍ͯ͂͏̳͙̥̼̲̰̫̲f̷̜̙̏̈́͒̉̍̚͘t̨̨̹̳̜̖̝͕̿̓́̏͗ ͬ͌҉͕̝͚̺̝͙̙͕͡ś̐̈̋̓͊ͭͧ̊̌͋̈́̒̅̈͆̚͜҉̵͇̜̭̥̦ͅţ̷̛̖̞͚̼̯̖̪̘͇͙͓̠̞̠͍̯̝̎̓͌̽͒̓́̎͗ͣ̏ͪ̃ͩͮ̚͘̕ě̋ͮͮ̓̈́̀͑̍ͨ̿͂͊̿ͬͤ͌͡҉҉̯̗̰̹̦̬̣͍͍̠͓͖̲͙̝̹̻͜p̶̨̐͂̓̒ͯ̓ͬ͋̉͝҉̳͖̯̖̫̯̞̲̜̣ͅ,̛̠̜̼͚͔̫̻͈̙̟͉̗̱̻́̉͑̒ͮ̀̕͜ͅş̷̧̧̯̲̲͖̬ͤ̈ͪ̑̏́͛̊ͨͭ̉ͤͪͩ̉̚̚h̨̧̭̰͈̫̼̳̓̓ͬ̆̿ͭͬͤ͜͝ē̸̸̺͙̣͍͙̦͈̗̩͖̬̤̥̯̏̊͆̅͋̒̍͞ ̵̪͇̟̗̯̘̣ͬ̓̀́ͩ͛͛ͮ̓ͦ̊̔ͩ́ͦ̌͋̆̊̕pͯ̉͒̽̔ͮ̽͂̐͂ͨ̇̐̽̌ͬͮ̕͟҉̡͍̱̜̺͖̘̬̞̩̣̜̘̝̟̦h̴̡̘̰̯̱͈̗̫̬̜̹ͦ͆̓̈́͒̅̂̀ͥ́͘a̧̧͖͓͓̦͕͙̥͍̬̹͔̼̥̣͖͖̰͗͗͆ͮ͐͐ͣ͑̈́ͫ̒̈́̕͡ͅs̰̤͇̼̹̟̩̟̗̟̲͔̱̳̄̿ͬͨ͌͜ͅe̴̴̡̨̥̝̖̰͖̪̳͖̤̭̼͕͙̠͕͚̥̣̊̄͊ͣͫͤ͂̅ͭ̈́ͮͯ̆͌̕ͅd̸̓̿̀̿͂̍̀͌̃͐͊̓ͩ̆̓҉͔̞̗͖̣̪̻̯̟̯̣̺͉ ͋ͧ̉ͯ̏ͮͧ̐̆̂ͨͣͤ̔ͫ̀͢҉͙̫͈̣̣͓̝̝tͩ̎̆̏̋̊͐̓͆͌҉̧͏̳̪͍̤̻̪̻̮͎̘̳͓̩͟ͅh̷̒̽̿̏̇ͧ̊̾̓ͫ͛̎͑ͥ̑҉̜͎̮͇̖͓̬͢͞ṛ̷̢̡̛̩͖̺̙͖̘̖̜̟̰̟͚̰̤͈͌ͯͨ͌ͬ̓ͨ̎́̾̾͆ͥ̍͢o̴ͯͮ̈̄̉ͪ҉͟҉̟̩̰̻̻͚̠̩̥̼̰͍̹ų̵̱̙̹͍̪̦̳̫̰͂ͭ̓̓̾͑͗ͬ͋ͨ̃̃̓͘͡ͅͅgͥ͊ͫ͋҉̶̮̫̩̯̻͕̣̰͓͉̹́j̵̈́ͪ̔̐́͒̃̓͒̅̏̍̃̓ͣ̿̏͘͜͠͏͕͈̹͙̬̪͔̺̹̝̭̼̘̦̦ͅ ̶̸̴̢̮̫̙͓̍ͪ̍ͣ̿̅ͦ͒̌̾ͥ̈́ͪͧ̔ͯ̀t̵̷̼̫̝͍̻̥͉̹̜͚̘͉̗̼̓ͮ̿ͪ́͂̿̓̾ͭ̆͌͌͛͆̉͑͡͠͝ͅh̴̛̭̻͔̫͚̻͔͖͉̤̓͒̒́̚͢͝e̢̱̦̳̬͎̤̩̥͋͗́̅ͧ͆͆̋̎̽̓ͪ̿̾̑̕̕ ̒̈ͪ̃͂̋͂͊ͨ̍̓҉̴̟̗̦̙͢͝ẘͧ̓ͧ̊̈͛͐ͪ͑̂ͯ̚͟͜͟͏̳͎̥͚̘̼ą̘̱͔̱̲̬͉̪͍̖͈̦̼ͣͥ̇̐̆͌̅͆̿̉̀ͪ̋͋ͧ̀͝͞ͅl̡̛̛̦̬͈̤̩̯̝͍̝̭͍̭̺̖̀̀̄͌ͯͮ͘͢l̰͔͕̙̰͍̬͑͗ͦ͒̈́̋̒́̀ ̷̘͓̳̺͆̍̄͂͛ͩͪ̈o̠̰̘̣ͯ̑ͩ̿ͥ̕͞f̤̣͓̳̋̄̑͑͡͡͞ ̸̧̛͙̲͍͖̟̣̥̼̜͕̜̥̘̙͓̠̃̐̇͐͂̀͊ͭͥ́́͗̈̾̄̆ͪ̔̚h̡̧́̿ͨ̓͊͒͏̖̖̠̦̰͙͚̟̻̗͓̙̯͖ͅe̢̛͕͚̘̞̯̠̠̭̖̹͉̼̞͉̖̜̙̥ͮ͛́̃̑̅ͤͧͮ͛̈́̌ͪ͒ͤ̆ͭͮ͌͜ͅr̡̛̬͈̮̲͓̹̝̗̪̔ͣͫ̌̓̐ͯͦͯͫ̃ͬ̅ͮ̎͗͛̚̚̕͠ͅ ̵̤̙̲̦̺̺ͩ̇ͯ́͝͠͡r̴̶̸͕̮͔̦̲̗͉̟͙̼̠̞̭̲͚̝͐̀͂ͤ̈́͒̓ͯͬ̉ͭͥͧ͢ͅͅơ̸̫͔̩͔͙̤͈̠͊̋͑ͭ̆̍͒̊ͣ̋ͥ͗̇̂̌͗ͩ̀͘̕ͅo̶̤͕͚̠̬͕͖̯̼̫̮͓͖̻̺̳ͩ́ͮ͑̾ͪ̀͡͝m̴̛̹̠̭͔̩̙̜̬̫̞̓͗͂̍̽ͩ̓̓͐̈́̍ͥ̔̓̐͂͑̚̚͘͢.̶̷̙̭̦̹́ͮ͆͗̏̉̏̊ͤ́͆̓͆͐͋͐ͨ͌ͤ͘͟͡ ̘̝̤̺̇̌̍͂̂̓͊͛̏ͯ̀̅́ͬ͒͘“̵̡̩̮̘̤̥̯̱̳̄̊͋̍͑̿̎͐ͬ̚̚̕͞ͅS̨͂̈́͌ͩ͑͑̎ͫ̎ͨ҉̙̘͎͎̦̞̣͇͔̮͈̱́͠ͅͅw̃̔ͧͤͦ͛͆̓̆̽̌̀ͥͫ͑͋̚͡҉̖̤͇͇̥̼̝͉̼͜ͅěͮ̌̄̏̅͆̔̾̕҉̟̝̪̤͓̜͓̰̗̞̮̻͚̦̫̦͞͞͞e̴̸̗̯͉̰͇̫̙̦͚̝̞̺̻̲̞̮ͦͫ̆̓̓ͮ̆̔ͮ͋̚͞͠t͉̠̝̠͍̬͚̩̩͓͈̞̗̖̭͇̹̫ͤͧ̄̏͗ͩ̋ͯ̉̔͗̋͛͐̆ͩ́͢͠͡͡,͉̩̮͖̰̻̼̼͚̙͓͓̻̭͕̇ͮ̉͗͂͑̇ͭͣͪͦͪ̔̚͠͝”̶̷̸͚͇̙̟̖͚̲̮̦̼̰̈́̋ͨ͂̿̀ͯ͂̀ͨ͛ͪ̓ͣ̑̒͛͘ ̛̮̩̼͚͈̇͛̽̓̉̂ͧͥ͌͊̒̆͐ͧͭ̂̀́̕s̶̱̮̼͙̪̻̫͉̘͔̝̺̪̙̥͍̆̄ͨ͟͞͝ȟ̤̼̦̭̳̻͕̤̳̬̦̜̮̝ͩ͌̄ͯ́̔͒ͧͨ̿͞͞ͅeͧͮ̒̑ͥ͂̈́̆ͤ҉̸̩̯̞̮̹̳̱͖̲̖̙̝͓͈̥̪͓̳ͅ ̵̙̩̤̤͉̟̠̋̍̂ͭͦ͌̿̓̎́͜s̶̢͉̲͙͓̥̠̦͍̟̣̞̗͙̤̥̰̼͓̻ͨ̿̽ͣ͊̈͑̄͐̋ͪͩ̆̄̅̉͋̌͜a̶̟͙̗̯̙͎̜̩̬͆ͩͨ̿̂ͥ̆̒͡i̶̴̖̗͔͇͒̍ͨͧͫ̏̍͜d̞͓̤̖͍̯͈̣̻̱̈́ͯ͆̂ͧͪ̀̚͢.ͧͦ̽̓̉̿̂̀̑̇̍̉͑̄̈́̃ͥ̄͏̸̶̭̣͕͙̱̬̗̣̱̪̣́͡t̯̳̫̻͐̍ͭ̒̆̍̂͛̉ͮ͒̔ͩ̾̊̓̃̀͢o̧̰̻̞͕̤̫͓̞ͬͬ͂̇̇̋̊͑͑͗͗̒͛ͤ̾́̚ͅ ̷̯̻̱̘͖̙̖̖͉̘͚̝̪̘͙̘̳̌̀̇̌̀͜m̸̻͈̙͇͉̬̣͙͎̃͗̿͋̇ͨͨͤ́͟ő̤̗̘̫̲͙̭̄͊͊ͫ̽̽̈́͌̏͊͗̔̇ͦ̚̚͘͠v̬̝͉͙̻̩̠̻͓̫͕̭̂̽̃̀ͪ̓͌́͞ȩ̵̭̥̭͎͓̫͉̙̟̪̫̝̣̞ͧ̉ͧ͗͆͘͢ 

̜̫̺̘͍̙̿͊̅̽ͥ̐͂ͮá̡̦͛͐̄̈́r͓̭̟̗̻̮̿̂̀̆͂̊̂̂́o̦̮̪̯ͬ̑̊̌̏̌́̄ų̺͖͙̝̓͂ͬn͎͎̰̼̫̥̟͙͂̊̋̋͂ͪd̨͕̯̳̬͕͇͖̞̭͌ͨͨ͆̌̆̍ͦ̅̀͘,̶̰͙̪ͤ̀ 

  
  
  
  


_ Er, we seem to be having some…… _

 

_ Technical difficulties. _

 

_ You know what, maybe now would be a good time for a perspective change. Rose, perhaps? A Lalonde for a Lalonde. Sounds pretty good to me. _

 

\--------

 

**ROSE: ENGAGE IN ROMANCE SHENANIGANS.**

 

“Everyone, it has come to my attention that it may be time for a costume change.” Rose said.

“Aw, but I just made these sweet duds!” John protested.

“No buts, John. These outfits are terribly impractical, and have gotten in the way  _ more _ than a few times.”

Dave readjusted his seat on Rose’s sofa, and let out a scoff.

“Yeah, are you sure this ‘costume change’ wasn’t brought on the second after you found out that hot chick What’s-Her-Name-But-With-Like-A-K-Or-Something was a seamstress?” Dave commented.

To her embarrassment, Rose flushed a deep shade of red that made the few freckles smattered on her face stand out.

“N-No! And Dave, you were eyeing that ‘Karkat’ quite a bit, weren’t you? Do you think it’s time for me to give you a lesson about the bees and the bees?”

Simultaneously, John and Jade started waving their hands and shouting, “OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!!” while Dave stared daggers at Rose. 

Rose flashed a sly smirk. She had the upper hand.

“Haha, Rose, that’s hilarious! Everyone knows Dave totally has a thing for Jade!” John jested through tears of laughter.

The room dropped deadly silent. Jade stopped waving her arms about, so still she might have been made of marble, and Dave had turned redder than previously thought possible by humans.

John suddenly realized he dun fucked up.

Dave and Jade scooted further apart on the sofa, to the point where Jade picked up to sit with Rose.

“Nice, Egbert. Real nice.” Rose said. Sometimes she really couldn’t believe how oblivious John could be. 

An awkward silence settled over the room. It was one of the most awkward, silent, silences there had ever been. Not one hundred mother’s dildos nay a thousand Sonic OC’s could have created such an awkwardness, and the silence was such that not a single sofa creak could be heard, and if a speck of plaster were to fall from the celing, it would have sounded to our heroes as if two hundred metric tonnes of horse shit had fallen from the sky. Truly, this was the most silent of-

_ DING-DONG! _

The front door swung open to reveal Karkat, Kanaya, Terezi, and Tavros standing on Rose’s porch.

“Hey fuckwads,” Karkat shouted. “Next time you decide to piss off a super-powered mob boss, remember to lock the front door.”

  
  



	13. ROSE: DEFINITELY DON'T FLIRT WITH KANAYA.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shush. Grandma's still working on her big ass turkey. Here, have some funky smelling cornbread.

**ROSE: DEFINITELY DON’T FLIRT WITH KANAYA.**

_ Flirt with Kanaya? _ Rose thought.  _ Wha- what- No! ‘Flirting’ is a very vague word, and besides- OHGODWAIT _

“Oh, dear. I do hope this isn’t a bad time,” Kanaya said.

“No, no, it’s perfectly  _ fine _ ,” Rose lied, glaring at John on the last word.

“Wonderful!” Kanaya exclaimed. “Now, I hear tell that you four are in need of a change of attire!”

“Yeah, you guys were pretty ugly, if I do say so myself!” Terezi screeched.

“Terezi,” Karkat groaned. “You’re blind.”

“O-Okay, everybody.” Tavros stuttered, slowly stepping away from Terezi and Karkat. “Why don’t we all… just split up and start making costumes? I-I’m sure they’re all be very nice.”

Shrugging, Dave walked over to Tavros, grabbed a spare sheet of paper from the mock sewing and design station set up on the kitchen countertop, and started scribbling furiously on it.

Rose saw John steal a glance at Jade, before looking away in shame. He picked himself up and shuffled in Terezi’s direction. 

Without looking at anyone, Jade stood up and said, “I’ll take Karkat. So, Rose, you can…”

Rose’s breath stopped in her chest like a bird flying into a freshly cleaned window pane.

She cleared her throat. “Right.”

“Tavros, Karkat? Would you two be a dear and show Dave and Jade the basics of costume design? Thank you.” Kanaya instructed. “Um… Terezi, you can...Er…”

“On it!” Terezi shrieked. Fast as lightning, she swiped a red crayon out of her pants and began aggressively trying to draw dicks on John’s face. Frankly, Rose thought her 2-D artistic representation of the human penis was rather impressive, considering Terezi was blind.

Looking on in horror, Kanya pressed the tips of her long fingers to her temple and said, “That’s not… Sigh. Never mind. Everyone just please begin sketching out your best suit design. And, try not to tragically murder anyone in the process, would you?”

“Got it!” Terezi said, grabbing John by the ear and dragging him to the other room, along with several sheets of stray paper and some crayons.

“Sure, whatever.” Dave took a nervous looking Tavros by the arm and led him to the sofa, where he continued to work on whatever he was drawing.

“I’ll… see myself out.” Jade said. “Hey, Karkat, let’s go up to Rose’s guest room.”

“WHAT? Fuck no! I mean, I’m knew you little horseshits were promiscuous-”

“ _ Not like that _ !” Everyone shouted in unison.

Grumbling a bit about how “it was a perfectly goddamn reasonable mistake to make,” Karkat huffed his way up the stairs to the guest room.

Wincing apologetically as they walked to the mock-up design station, Kanaya said, “I’m very sorry about him. He has quite the tendency for twisting near everything into some some sort of sexual innuendo.”

Rose scoffed. “Tell me about it.”

Daintily covering her mouth with her perfectly manicured hand, Kanaya gave Rose a small giggle. 

Her nails were filed almost to a point, but rounded at the tips, presumably not to scratch anyone on accident. The color of her nails matched her lips, which were draped in a lush jade green, highlighting how perfectly shaped and soft they looked-

No. No. Rose had to stay focused on designing her costume.

“Anyway,” Kanaya said. “I noticed your choice of the color yellow in your costume the other night, and I hope you don’t think it too forward of me, but I went ahead and and drew some rough sketches of a new outfit for you based on the one you already have. With all my sincerity, I hope I’m not coming off as ‘creepy’ or ‘weird’, but, the inspiration struck and….” Kanaya trailed off, looking nervously at the ground.

Deeply flattered, Rose raised her eyebrows and leaned closer to Kanaya. “Really?”

“Um...yes. You can take a look, if you like.” She stuttered, pulling several folded sheets of paper from her small handbag, and smoothing them out on the granite counter top.

A grin of delight spread across Rose’s face. “Oh yes,” she said, looking at Kanaya’s designs, “These will do very nicely.”

 

**KARKAT: HOLY SHIT. HOOOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT.**

 

“Oh. My. God.”

“Karkat,” Tavros begged. “Please, j-just take Dave. I-I can’t handle him anymore… He’s really rambly, and has all these… weird euphemisms for sex he keeps using to describe ordinary actions? Just. Take him.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault you can’t handle that I’m just eruptin’ with delirious flow like a frat boy alone on a Friday night jackin’ off to a picture of Angelina Jolie’s tits.” Dave said.

“OH GOD MAKE IT STOP,” Tavros whined.

“Fine. Fine. Since you can’t suck it up, I will be the leader and take on the role of mentoring both Jade and Dave.” Karkat groaned.

“Hey, can I trade groups?” John said, who had just walked into the room after having been pantsed by a snickering Terezi.

“Holy shit. Hoooooly motherfucking shit. I cannot take a  _ single goddamn more minute  _ of this complete and total tomfuckery. Everyone, take whatever the hell you have, and turn it into Kanaya  _ right now! _ ” Karkat shouted.

“Jeez, okay then, Mr. Crabby Pants,” Terezi grumbled.

Somewhat quieted by Karkat’s outburst, everyone trudged down the stairs to where Rose and Kanaya were cutting out pieces of shiny gold fabric together.

“Hello, Karkat!” Kanaya said, rather cheerfully. “Rose and I were just working on her new-”

“Yeah, yeah, save it.” Karkat grumbled, tossing the collected sketches on top of the piles of colorful fabric Kanaya had brought out. “Just get these costumes made before I have a fucking aneurysm. If you need me, I’ll be out in the woods, trying to get some peace and quiet.” 

Rifling through the papers, Kanaya looked up and said, “Are you quite sure about this one?”

In her hand, she held what was quite possibly the shittiest art that should have definitely been displayed in a museum ever. Dave had drawn himself in SBAHJ style wearing a knight’s armor that, er,  _ exaggerated  _ certain features of his. 

  


_ *cough cough huge metal codpiece*  _

Somehow, he had managed to even include shitty jpeg artifacts, despite the fact it was drawn on paper. Karkat had to admit, it was almost impressive. Almost. 

“STRIIIIIIDEEEEEEER!!!” He screamed.

Dave, the smug bastard, barely let any reaction show. A slight upturn of the cheek was the only indicator of his artistic pride.

Taking one look at Dave, Karkat turned beet red and looked at the floor for ten seconds while muttering to himself angrily. When he looked up again, his face was deathly still.

“Dave. Corner. Now. Tavros, go help Kanaya and Rose. Jade, keep them out of trouble. I need to talk with John.” He said in a voice so calm it was terrifying. 

“Hey, why are Jade and I left out of the Karkat Feelings Jam Orgy? Don’t we get a special talk with you or something?” Dave said.

“Don’t. Test. Me.” Karkat said, digging his finger into Dave’s chest.

Putting his hands up in defense, Dave said, “Okay, man,” and walked over to the glass back door facing the woods, his back turned to Karkat.

“John,” Karkat said gruffly, “Pull your goddamn pants up.”

Rather embarrassed, John yanked his jeans up over his black Ghost Buster boxer shorts.

“Look John,” Karkat said to him, slinging his arm around John’s shoulder. “As much as I detest you and the utter dickbrains you call your friends, I saw you fighting Spades Slick, and well, you’ve got talent, kid. Not to mention this ‘Windy Thing’ Vriska and Aradia keep going on about you doing. Vriska’s a real bitch sometimes, but she definitely knows her shit.”

Karkat paused, took his arm off John, and kicked at the floor a little bit with his foot. “And, uh, lucky for you, there’s an opening on our stealth operation to Derse. Meet me You’ll be working with Equius and Feferi.”

“Holy shit, really!?” John leapt ten feet into the air.

No, like  _ literally  _ ten feet into the air. He almost knocked down Ms. Lalonde’s prized bronze vacuum cleaner on the way down.

Karkat’s jaw hit the floor. Not literally. “Would  _ that  _ be the Windy Thing?”

Gently landing on the carpet, John laughed at Karkat’s statement. “No, no! I.... don’t know if I can exactly, uh, do the Windy Thing.... But, hey! Dave! Jade! Rose! Karkat’s weird friends! Look at what I can do!”

Gleefully bouncing off the walls, John showed his friends his cool new trick.

“Wow! That’s really cool, John. I..uh..I wish I could do that. I-I mean, I can do some windy stuff...but, but that’s really cool…”

Settling on the ground, John’s face soured into a buck-toothed frown. “Wait, you can do windy stuff?”

“Eep!” Tavros stiffened with panic.

“Yes, numbnuts,” Karkat grumbled. “We all have superpowers, to a degree, due to the Baroness’s various experiments to try and buff herself up.”

“Wait, who’s the Baroness?” John asked.

“The Baroness is the person you’re going to be sneaking around.” Karkat said. “And you better hope to all the fucking stars in the sky she doesn’t catch you.”


	14. JOHN: SAY GOODBYE.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *slams down turkey on flower-patterned kitchen table* EAT UP YA LITTLE SHITS

**JOHN: SAY GOODBYE.**

 

John fidgeted with the soft fabric of his outfit. Kanya had revamped it to look more “fashionable”, which meant forcing him to wear regular length pants, designing a lightweight shirt designed to wick up sweat, and omitting all references to Ghost Busters except for a small Slimer design on his belt. Thankfully, Kanaya let John keep his hood, and just trimmed it to a reasonable length.

Playing with the morning dew which had gathered on the grass, John waited patiently until Equius’ large navy van pulled up in front of his house. John walked over to the van, steeling himself. He told his dad that he was going over to do some community service in the city, and that he would be home by ten. He tried not to lie to his dad, and felt kind of bad about it when he did, so he just omitted some of the more upsetting things. Technically, John  _ was _ doing community service.

The sleek door of the van slid open, and out tumbled John’s best friends, along with Karkat, Equius, and Feferi. 

“You guys came to send me off!” John exclaimed. 

“We sure did, my dudely dude,” Dave said, patting him on the back.

“We sure as fuck did not!” Karkat rebutted. “These shit-eating dick mongers  _ blackmailed _ me into bringing them along! With extremely vulgar and crude comments, might I fucking add!”

Jade chuckled. “We told him that we’d tell everyone about his secret collection of terrible romcoms.”

“Yeah, he hoards that shit like a dragon hoards gold, or a suburban mom in a bad marriage hoards dildos.” Dave added.

“OH MY GOD YOU PROMISED _ ,”  _ Karkat screeched, “ _ AND WHY DOES EVERYTHING ALWAYS COME BACK TO DICKS WITH YOU?” _

__ Unable to answer, Dave simply grinned and shrugged in Karkat’s direction.

Doing his best to cool down, Karkat said, “You know what? Just say your damn goodbyes, and, I don’t know, pal around with Mr. Egbert until this mission is over.”

“Bye, John!!!” Jade exclaimed, “Good luck on your mission! I’m sure you’ll do just great. If there’s anyone who can be a true hero, I think it is you!” She squeezed him into a bear hug and ran off into John’s house.

“Hey, bro.” Dave said. “You got this.” 

“Ironic bro hug?”

“Ironic bro hug.”

Dave and John went in for an  _ Extreme Manly Dudeship Bro Hug x2 Combo. _

“Pat, pat.” They said in unision.

“What a load of horseshit,” Karkat grumbled. However, everyone could see the smile shining through his face.

Rose walked over to John, smiling warmly. “Good luck, John! And, may I speak to you in private, please?”

John grinned, if a bit uneasily. “Sure thing! Uh, where in private?”

“Everyone,” Rose said with a haughty look on her face, “Shoo.”

Not wanted to argue with Rose’s somewhat flawed logic, (although, she was likely doing it to spite them), the five other teens clambered into Equis’ van. 

“Now John. Listen to me, and, for the love of God, try to take me seriously.” Rose said.

She looked fiercely into John’s eyes. “I know this may sound strange, but in light of recent events, I think it’s best I share this with you. Now, I don’t want to alarm the others, so please don’t tell them this until you come home safely. In recent days, I’ve been having...premonitions. Flashes of the future that come unpredictably when I fall prey to the dark tendrils of my own subconscious during slumber. Some come true, other’s do not, but those instances are mostly due to my own interference, above all else. They’ve become so frequent that sometimes, I catch these glimpses whenever I close my eyes. Now, what bothers me is that after you leave for this mission, it becomes difficult for me to, er, ‘see’ you. Once you enter Derse, you are completely voided from my mind’s eye. I haven’t the faintest idea what could happen, and that worries me.”

“Rose,” John said, “I appreciate the concern, but I did not understand a single word of what you just said.”

Rose sighed, “Just stay safe, okay?”

“Got, it, Rose!” John replied.

Dave and Jade climbed out of the van, likely due to Karkat’s complaints. John hopped in, nervous, but ready to go on this brand new “mission”. 

As his friends waved him off, John sighed and leaned his head against the tinted windows of the van. Equius puttered the van along to wherever “Derse” was, Feferi turned on the radio, and John felt his eyelids start to get heavy. 

Maybe it was the early morning, or the rocking motions of the van, or Feferi’s choice of soothing nature sounds, but John soon dozed off into the void of sleep.

\------

 

_ Good thing too. He’ll need all the energy he can get. _

_ Now, speaking of void… _

 

_ \------ _

 

**ROXY: SNOOP AROUND DERSE.**

 

Roxy Lalonde appeared inside Derse with a loud pop.

“Shit!” she muttered. “Why is doing the voidy thing so damn hard?”

The footsteps of Dersite gang members alerted Roxy to the fact that if she didn’t make a move fast, she would be screwed right in the ass.

Looking around, Roxy ducked around a corner and tucked herself behind a crate of weapons to hide.

_ Those Dersites sure do love their weapons, _ Roxy thought.

The footsteps grew ever closer, until Roxy could just make out a faint conversation.

“-All I’m sayin’ is that she’s a real bitch, okay? Now, Snowman-”

“Shut up! You got a death wish, buddy? Condy hears you sayin’ that, and you can bet she’ll be after your ass.”

“Aight, aight. I’ll shut up.”

Roxy waited until the sound of their footsteps completely disappeared before peeking around the hallway again. 

“Shit!” she whispered, her heart nearly skipping a beat. 

A surveillance camera, if a very shitty one, was positioned at the corner of one of the moldy stone walls. It swiveled around slowly, swallowing up all the information it could.

Crouching frozen in fear, Roxy considered aborting the mission and scrambling home to Dirk. Against her better judgement, she decided to wait and see what would happen.

Her eyes were trained on the camera. Right as the camera was about to hit where she was crouching, the camera paused for a millisecond, and started rotating the other way. Roxy let out a cautious sigh of relief. 

Now, if she could angle a well tossed rock just right-

While Roxy was considering this, the camera froze, shuddered a bit, and powered off, its lens covered in a dark, cloudy liquid. She looked up.

As suspicious as it was, Roxy wasn’t about to question a bit of good luck. She scampered around the corner and snuck carefully to where she knew the game room would be. Damn, how she missed the place. 

Roxy poked her head in the nearly empty game room. 

“Psst! Yo, Clubs, you there?” she hissed.

“Hiya, Nix!” Clubs Deuce chirped back.

Slipping into the room, Roxy whispered, “You got the goods?”

“I sure do! Here ya go!” he said, nestling a tiny device the size, shape, and color of a ruby in Roxy’s hand. “Dir- Sorry,  _ Yaldabaoth  _ dropped this off earlier. Said it was for you. Anyway, best of luck on your ‘secret mission’, Nix!” Clubs said with a wink.

With a smile beaming out her pale, freckled, face, Roxy gave the squat little man a grateful hug. And with that, she left out the door, ready to sneak in the Condesce’s dressing chamber. Sure, it would be a challenge, but if she could just stay in the void for long enough…

Roxy squeezed her eyes tight, concentrating on “fuzzing out”, feeling her limbs go numb and-

 

**JOHN: HOLY SHIT, EQUIUS CAN DO THAT?**

 

“You didn’t tell me you had such awesome powers!” John said to Feferi.

“Whale, we kind of did, silly!” Feferi replied. “Don’t you remember Fishka’s whole rant?”

“Yeah, but she didn’t mention Equius can straight up become the void! Like, holy shit, that’s fricking awesome!”

Equius, who was somehow sweatier than usual, interjected, “I appreciate your STRONG enthusiasm, scrawny one, but our journey is not complete yet. Be silent.”

John sat in the corner of the main surveillance room, and poked at one of the knocked out guards, waiting for Equius to do his thing. 

With a loud grunt, Equius wrenched open the circuit breaker, and tore a few select cord outs of their sockets, before rewiring them into different sockets as carefully as he could. Before he finished, he thrust his hands inside of the tangled mess of wires, gripped them tight, and began to concentrate.

Confused, John leaned in close to see a sort of inky liquid spreading from where Equius’s hands made contact with the wires, pulsating and being absorbed into the circuitry. 

Before he could question what was going on, Equius lets go of the wires with hoarse gasp, and readjusted his sunglasses. 

“Come now, we haven’t much time.” He panted.

“Wait, for what?” John asked frantically.

“Oh my cod! You were asleep during the car ride!” Feferi exclaimed. “We’re going to break into the Condesce's conference war room! It’s a critical reconnaissance mission, and we need to put in a camera, so that we know the Condesce’s every move.”

“Grab hold tight!” Equius said, before scooping up John and Feferi and sprinted straight for the door.

“Ew ew ew ew ew, oh my GOD, Equius this is so gross!” John whined. 

Just then, John’s vision clouded over into darkness.T̝͍͎͎̥̻͈r̝̩̞͍͚y̨̱͕̹̫͓i̪͖̠̹͔͎͘n͉g͈͟ ̤̬t̝̫͍̝̠̤o͎̤͚̥̤̲ͅ ̙̙̰̻͎͞ͅs̝̗͢ͅt͉͔̟͘a̦̤̱̼̝̬y̫̩ ҉̜͍͍̱̭̮̹c͖͍̱̯̗̥a̹̩̠̳̲l̯̪͈m̴͎,̨̺̦͎̟̗̰͙ ͏͖h̸eͅ ̱͙͉bl̲̜̲̦͚͔̝i̼̗̳̙͞n̻͕̤̼k͔͕͖͎̺e̲̞̻̼͈̗͘d̮͈̦̫͕̫͙ ̸̞̖̗̹̪͎̣a̠͔̕ ͝c̢̫̼̯o̩̼̯̻u̷̩̰͕p̻̭l̵͖e̫͇͖̦̺̳̺ ̧̯̥̤̰̼̫t͎i̷̹͙͔̮̬m̥̳̭e̢̳͙̺͙̙̲̜s͇̫̣ ͕̳̰͍ḁ̥͇̥̜͠n̫͓̝̼̤d͇̘̣͕̕ ͎̬̜͙͉̰c̦̳̟l͓̱̞͟u̖̜͍̕t͙̹̦̖̟͎͓c̶̳̦͓̘̮h̛͖̣ę̙̞̠͎d̮̪̳͟ E͕̝̘̠q͉͇̻̝̼̝͍͢u̖͔̺͖̘̖̤iư̱̫̥s̻͜’҉̩s͉̭̯̮͔͔̠ ̥̙̝(̨̫̖̞u̟n̷͕̘̤̬̦͈ͅf̹o̝̟̟̣̲͇͇r̫̠̥̥̖ͅt̸͎̦̙u͈͓̠͙̗͙n̩̮̲̝̖ͅa̲̰̤̥̖̱t̝̦͚̗̫̳̰e͔͓͘l͕̩̭̖y̳̳̰̕ ͈̟s̺̲ͅẃ͈͓͈͎̬̭e͇̰͓͕a͓͙t̮̝͇̥̣̪̮͡y̸͔͎̻̣͙)̼̟̦̖̪̙ ̞̥̬̝͙a̘̩ṛ̰̰̱̳̮ͅm̰͉͍͓̦̕.̮̬͠ͅͅ ̭̦̥G̳̯͉͢r̰̯͖̦̗͕ą̺̩̭̱̲̹d̵͙̼u̸̥a͇̝̺͎̲ͅl͉̦l̝̤̭͢y͚̯,̠̹̣̝̯̣̀ ̢̻̞h̲͕͔̥ͅi̲̝̙̬̩͟s̸̲̮̱̥͈̩ ̪̝̲̠̲̱ĺ̻i̸n҉̗͕̮e̪̩ ̴̼͔̳̜̯̠o̷̮f̻͍̖ ̨͍̦̠ͅsi̢͇̬͉̖̼͚g̟̯̖͚͓͘ͅh̦̩͍̮t̡̼ ̢͔̝̬̳̗̗b̢̩̱̬è̻̮̲̠͈͓g͉a҉̰̪͉͇̮̰n̘̲ ̫t̗͉̟̦̲̻̰͟o̟̞̱͕͙̺͝ ̜̘̮̻̟͜c͙̯̩l̴̮̳̟e҉͖a̞̥̝̺̜͟r̛͓͚͈̖ ̬̹̻̲̜̘u͚͚͔̯̹p̧͚̻̟ ̮͙͎̫͈̦s̰͙͇̥͍o̟̞m͔̖̟͕e̥̣̳̲w͙̗͟h͙̣̝̣͙̤ͅa̰̺̮̫͚t͉,̸̣͎̼ r̝͇̦̯̙͒͊̇́ͥẹ̳̗͉̒̏ͨ͊͑ͩ̌͝v̩̮͎̫̫̮́̔̍̏e̡͖̣͈̙̝ͪ͌͗̋ả͗̈́҉͔̗̘̝l̥̗̗̞̙̖i̱̝̻̟͚n̹̝̦͓̙͈̦̚͡g̬̭̮̘̳̬̱̽͛ͧ͊͡ ̏ͩ̃̌̔͊́a̡͔͓̓̐̔̇͐ͩ ̶͇͍̝͚̹̹̣̓ͣͣd̟̣͎͈̰̭͓̑ͫ̉ͧ͌͟a̲̬̞͂ͥͪr̠̣͍k͛ͭ͒̓̆̑e͙͖̮̣͋̅ṋ͐ͭ̆͝e̡̳̦̝̭̹̩͙ͯͨ̽̓͒̿d͂͆̂̇͐͆͏ ̘̳̼̣̗̍l͓͚̹̪̈́ͩ̓̋a̯̩̖̬̭̅͊n̖̤̹͍̣̲͋͌̑ͨ̐̉͡d̘̱͖̭͐̒̆̿ͭͯ͟ͅś̩̳̺͔̘̓̆c͌ͤ̊̐a̯͙̟͚͚̹p̗͚̯ͯͪe̻͉̹ͭͭ̂͋͊̎̏͠,̴̮̟̬͉͈̳̟ ̦͇͔̣́͟w̖̠̦h̩ͤͧ͌͆ͨe̛͈̘̾r̖e͉͔̟͐ ͬ҉̥̝̭̠̟ȇ̢͖̪͉̭̙͔̰ͦͤͧ̆v̠̦e̾̄͆̽̏ͯ̋r̞̉́y̱̦̺̻̠̾̅̀t̖̘͓̙̦͈͠ͅh̘͖̦͖ͥ̉͝ͅi̩̯͇̜̩̿̍ͭ̋͂̇̈́n̤̮g̟̮̲̈ͯͬ͆ ͚͇̪̙̠̬̪̋̌͆͝w͕̹͊̚͞aͩ̔͌ͤ̑́͂s͇̓ͭ͋ͪ͟ ̮̎̌ͫ̇i̛̻͎̰̓̈͋ͨn̯̱̖͖͙̲͒̌͗̍̐ ̨̭̫̂́̆ͮ̃̓̆b͕̼̲̗͕ͬͫ̅l̡̓ͣͣͭa̷ͥ̉c̦̺̮͈ͫ̇ͫͯͯ̾̋ͅk̺̩̠̊͌ͫͯ̋ͫͩ ̸̟͖̝̬̩̱̈́̎̓̆̇̌an͚͔̳ͯ͋̈͊͝ďͨͩ̊͌̏ͭ̀ ̠͎͈̫͉̉ͦẇ̷̱̐̓ͧh̥͚̹̼̦͙̐̿͆͊i̇͑̄̈̀t̥̗͔́e͈̪̲̪̣̽̆͒̋̅̾̀,̴̞̻̳͚̫ͦͣ͆ ͙͚͉͍̘ͨͤ̾ͬ̕ăͥͤ͐̒͆͋҉̯n̫̳̤͙̱̖̲ͭ̀d̡̩ͯͮͭ̌̾̉ ̯̜̭͎̦̯̥o̙̱ͨ͒̒̍̌̇̎b͇͈̽̇ͫ̓͑͡ͅj̢̦̞̪ͪ͌́͒̾̃̈́e͕̪̻ç͖̓̓ͧ̒t̮̲̰̳͈̺ͦ̓ṣ̶̟̤̙͉̬͂̊͆̿̐̈ ̷̬̠̙̪̙̥̲͋ͩ͂ͯ̓̔w̯̦̦̠è̼̥͂͑̔͑́r̬̮̥̲̲͚͙̅̔̂́ěͨ̌̂̈́͡ ̰̲̹͚̫ͬ̾ͥm͕͓̮̱̻a̵̘͉͕͓̠ͯͦ̋ͪd͏̜e͊ ̯͗͛dͮ͘i̪̹̦͔ͪ̍ͫ͆͒̽s̪̲̳̽̈̓t͔̠̰̄ͯ̐ͪ̚iͧ̒ͮͫ̋̇͟n͈̥ͣͪ̎͝c̀͌ͬ͆͏t̨̀ṡ̷̠͈͔̆ ̥͐ͮ̎̔͆̂b͚͈̝͖̞̺̝́y̲ͯ̈́͂͋̌̈́ ̥͔͎̞̘͉̮͋a̔҉̱̪ ̿ͤ̿͆̄͌҉̖̤̬f͇̞͓͍̰̒a̦̪̒ͥ̐i̬͝ṉ̢̜͊t̯̊̒̕ ͎̜̲͕̼̩̑̎͛̓g̲̬̻̠͚͉̲͑͛l̷͙͇̫̲̣̰̄̇͒͐̈o̵̪̬̩̚w̭͖̬̝ͬ͑̋̃͌̈̿i̶͉̰̞̰̟͎n̜̜̠̳͊̊̏ͧ͗ͅg̟͓̺ͬ͐ ͬ̈ͪ͏̭̟̞̳l̿͋̾҉̙͉͙̣̤͓ī̹̐ͣ̃̉̒̚ņ̻̖̬͂̎ȅ͉ͯͭ͂ͯ̀ s̛̲͒̇ͭu͔̯̥̘̙̝ͫr̋̄̚͟r͚̪͉͕̤̼͋ͮ͌ͣo̗̤̣͖̩̫ͨ̌͂̉ͧͤ͟ͅṳ̴͕͍̭̳ͯ̓ͥ̋ͥͣn͙͕͇͇ͩ̊ͣ̂̇ͣ͜dͧ̉̌̒̒ͪi͇̳̔n̰̟ͨ̿̔ͥ͋ͣ̚ģ̥̲̯ͤͨͩ̔ͥ ͓̻͒̋̌̒t̟̳͔́h͕̩͔͇̥̞͉̀̿ͯͯ͐͑ḙ̙̣̙̜̩̀̋ͨ̀m͓̗͔̗̬̣ͅ.̦ͣ̀͛̈͛ͦ̚

 

_ \---- _

_ No. Hell no. I am not dealing with this voidy story-interrupting bullshit again.  _

_ Here, I’ll just pull out my handy Kanya Maryam Glow In The Dark Lesbian Flashlight™. _

_ You know, Rose should really get one of these. _

_ \----- _

 

Trying to stay calm, he blinked a couple times and clutched Equius’s (unfortunately sweaty) arm. Gradually, his line of sight began to clear up somewhat, revealing a darkened landscape, where everything was in black and white, and objects were made distincts by a faint glowing line surrounding them. It was unnerving.

John kept blinking, as though he expected the world to return to normal. The world stubbornly refused. 

“Guys, where are we?” he asked, a nervous crack in his voice.

“The void.” Equius replied. “Do not leave my side. I command it of you.”

John didn’t have to be told twice. He stuck to Equius and Feferi like glue, too put off by the warped version of the world he was stuck in, and too afraid to venture off alone. 

Using a map Karkat had given them, Feferi led the small group of heroes through the winding and decrepit halls of Derse. Well, they would have been winding, if Equius didn’t phase through all of them.

Some of the rooms were quite large, and others were quite small. Either way, the base was clearly meant to survive some sort of catastrophic event. Although, John had to admit, the odd thing was that most of the rooms meant for “survival” seemed to be brand new, and hastily constructed.

Finally, they reached the core of Derse. It was a circular room with ventilation tubes hanging from the ceiling, and a metal roof that clashed with the carpeted floor. Four ornate wooden doors were set into the concrete walls. 

According to Feferi’s map, one lead to the other floor, where they had come from. The centermost door lead to the war room, where they were headed. Another lead to Derse’s personal armoury/treasury, where all their most valuable goods and weapons were kept. The final and most ornate door lead to the Condesce’s private quarters.

John broke into a cold sweat just thinking about it. He didn’t really know much about the Condescension, but whoever she was, she didn’t sound good…

“I-I do not know how much longer I can remain in the void,” Equius croaked. “I… feel weak.”

“C’mon! We’re almost there!” Feferi whispered gently, pressing her fingertips to Equius’s heart, and giving him a small boost of healing energy.

John and Feferi supported Equius all the way to the door of the war room, limping along the carpeted floor. They were halfway there, they could make it-

_ WHAM! _

The Condesce’s door flew open, and a young girl sprinted out. She bolted out the hallway like she was on death row. Suddenly, she noticed John, Equius and Feferi, and her eyes widened in surprise. They were a bright pink flash, standing out starkly against the void.

“Wha- That shouldn’t be possibubble!” Feferi squeaked.

Like a deer in headlights, John was too surprised by the girl to move out of the way when he realized she was barreling in their direction. Too late, he tried to move Equius out of the way.

They crashed into each other. John grunted in pain as the girl his ribs.he fell to the floor, he elbowed Equius by accident, before realizing what he was down.

In that split second, time seemed to slow down. Equius, lacking any support, seemed to fall slowly to the ground, as if the air was made of syrup. His heart stopping, John realized the fatal mistake he had made. He reached for Equius, but his hands slipped through thin air. It was too late.

Equius’s head slammed against the floor. He was knocked out cold.

Suddenly and violently, the small group of teens was ripped out of the cold. John’s head spun from the violent travel between planes of existence. Every color just seemed so bright and vivid, that he could barely focus on anything. He almost didn’t even notice the gun pointed at his temple.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, you little shit,” The Dersite growled.

A second, younger Dersite guard pointed his gun at Equius and gave John a look that said, “You’re dead, kid.”

Sweating bullets, so to speak, John put his hands up in defense and said, “Look, we’re just a couple of nosey kids, okay? There’s no need for violence. You can just let us walk out that door, be a couple of chill dudes, and we won’t tell your boss that we got in. See? Everyone wins!”

The first guard cocked his gun. “Not a chance, my friend.”

With vigor, the blonde girl stood up, and stepped in front of John.

“Whoa, whoa, James, slow down! It’s okay, it’s me, Roxy! You know me. We’re friends, we don’t want to hurt anyone.”

He lowered his gun. “Roxy?” He said, a tenderness in his voice. “I haven’t seen you since you were a little kid.” 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, man?” The second guard said, his voice cracking. “You know who we’re dealing with!” 

“But it’s Roxy! And you know-” He jerked his head at Feferi.

“Look, man, we’ve got orders! I’m taking em all out, and bringing Feferi to the Condescension.”

“Leave the girl alone.” James said, steely undertones in his voice. “Or else.”

“I-I didn’t want to have to do this but…” The second guard said, turning his gun towards James’ stomach. “Sorry. You know the rules.”

John had to look away. 

“Stop! Stop this!” Feferi screamed.

The guard shot wildly at them, his hand shaky with fear. At the same time, he started to call for backup. 

John was frozen in fear. He had been ready for a fight, but with everything that just happened, he was caught completely off guard. 

_ BAM! BAM! BAM! _

Three bullets ripped through Equius’s unconscious body. Feferi wailed and began sobbing, disregarding her own safety and doing her best to heal him. Roxy sprinted over to the guard, wrenching the gun from him and knocking him out with a kick.

Just then, several more guards rushed into the room. They grabbed Feferi, who was kicking and screaming away from Equius. She fought viciously, but was too distraught to tear away.

Two more guards tackled John to the floor. His head slammed against the carpet. A trickle of blood blurred his thick-framed glasses. From the corner of his eye, he could see Roxy pinned against a wall, and his friends being dragged away.

Through the turmoil, he could barely hear what the guards were saying. 

“-Karkat...little bastards…..kill everyone…Egbert residence.”

John sucked in a sharp breath. 

_ They were going to kill his friends. They were going to kill his friends. They were going kill his friends. _

Tears he didn’t realize he was crying hit the floor.

John let out a terrible scream. He a blast of wind exploded from his body, knocking away his attackers. He began levitating off the ground, swirling more and more wind around him.

Everyone collapsed to the ground, clutching their ears because of the change in air pressure. The room became the center of a storm. Gales of wind knocked over the guards, battering them against the walls of the room. 

Roxy had never seen anything like this. It was as if the breeze itself had turned against them.

_ WHOOSH! WHOOSH WHOOSH! _ The wind pounded against Roxy’s eardrums as she pushed through the maelstrom. 

Torn up by John’s mini-tornado, bits of air ducts began whirling around the room, forcing Feferi to drag Equius underneath the doorway for shelter.

Roxy, on the other hand, saw the boy in pain, and lept to his aid. 

“It’s okay!” she shouted over the winds. “The guards are knocked out! You did a great job, and we’re all safe! I repeat, we are all safe!”

Calming down, John slowly began to descend from the torn up ceiling of Derse’s core.

“You’re doing great!” Roxy called out. “Everyone is safe! It’s going to be okay! We’re going to take care of your large sweaty friend here! His ridiculously fucking ripped! He’ll be fine!”

The gusts of air began to subside. John gently hovered a few feet of the ground. His head hung limply, fat tears rolling off his nose. A gentle breeze stirred bits of debris around his feet. It was almost pitiable.

Roxy approached him cautiously. 

“Look, I don’t really know what to say here. I’m not really, like, the best at this. But you did a really good job, okay? We’re all safe now. It’s going to be okay.”

With a gasp, John collapsed downwards, where Roxy caught him in her arms. She kneeled down and gently laid him on the floor. 

“Whoa, buddy, are you okay?” she asked.

John’s eyelids fluttered. He forced out a weak cough. The poor boy was exhausted.

“...Roxy?” He muttered.

“Yeah, that’s me,” she replied.

Sticking his hand out at an awkward angle, John croaked, “Hello…...John.”

His arm thudded against the floor as he passed out. A gentle sigh passed through the room, as if the air around them acted as his breath.

Roxy brushed his hair out of his eyes.

“Hi, John. Nice to meet you.”


	15. TRY BEING ROXY AGAIN.

**TRY BEING ROXY AGAIN.**

 

    Roxy’s head slammed against the back of her seat. She let out a frustrated sigh.

    “Loooooook, Feferi, that’s your name, right? I understand how you might be just a teeny, tiny, bit stressed right now, but do you think that we could, I dunno, _stop_ driving through the forest like a drunk bear?”

    “No.”

    Rubbing her head, Roxy slumped back in her seat. After John had passed out, she just didn’t feel right leaving him and his friends defenseless in Derse, so she transported the four of them through the void. Unfortunately for her, lugging around two rather tall and muscled fifteen year old boys turned out to be fairly exhausting, and she had to beg Feferi for a lift home. She was tentative at first, but the alarms were blaring, and Dersites were hot on their tails, so Roxy just hopped in the van and said she wasn’t moving.

    Thankfully, Feferi hadn’t forked her with a trident on the spot, and just put the pedal to the glubbing metal.

    Somewhat bored, Roxy looked out the window, watching the scenery fly by and the occasional woodland creature nearly hit the car.

    “So, where are we even going?” she asked Feferi.

    Her fingers drumming the steering wheel, Feferi let out a noise of frustration at the fourth bird to hit the window.

“Whale, Roxy, since you did save our lives, I think it’s ocray for you to come with us. Sea, we won’t be going back to my base, we’ll just be going to John’s house. I’ll drop you off there.”

    _Alrighty then,_ Roxy thought. She pulled out her phone.

 

TG: yo 

TG: yo dirky 

TG: diiirky 

TG: diiiiiiiiiiirshfyuhpewru 

TG: shit we hit another bird 

TT: Another bird? Roxy, where the hell are you? 

TG: this nice chick called fefri or smth picked me and is drivin me through this dank ass forest 

TT: Roxy. Have you never listened to you mother about getting into cars with strangers? 

TG: i don’t really have a mom and you know that 

TT: Touché. 

TG: anyway its cause i totally did some mother fucking conflict resolution up in this bitch with a guy called john and like 

TG: twenty eight dersite guards 

TT: Oh my god. What did you do? 

TG: nothin! 

TG: well okay 

TG: i may have slammed into this real sweaty lookin kid in the void 

TG: idfk how he got there 

TG: and we fell over and i lost my concentration and popped out 

TG: so did he, but he got knocked out 

TG: then the guards were like “yo wtf u doing here” and tried to kill us 

TG: but i was a cool cat and talked to one of the older guards 

TG: u know james 

TG: but then he got shot :( 

TG: and they kept trying to kill/capture us till the john kid did this windy thing 

TG: boy lemme tell ya 

TG: there was wind EVERYWHERE 

TG: he was tornadoin up a storm!!!! we are talking major windy shit here 

TG: but he was all crying and sad! so i calmed his down and gave him a hug 

TG: and now im in this car with a girl who won’t stop making fish puns 

TG: so yeah come pick me up dirk 

TT: I can’t exactly do that until you tell me where you are, Roxy. 

TG: k hold on 

 

Roxy put down her phone.

“Yo Feferi! What’s John’s address?” she said.

“Can’t tell you! Safety reasons.”

 

TG: dang sorry can’t tell ya 

TG: feferi said dems the rules 

TG: kinda stupid rules considering she literally driving me to his house 

TG: but can’t give me the damn address >:( 

TT: Well, then, it look’s like you’re just going to have to wait. 

TT: Also, was that an angry frowny emote? 

TG: ye >:) 

 

    Roxy put down her phone, frustrated.

    It was going to be a long day.

 

* * *

 

 

**JADE HARLEY: TRAIN.**

 

“Argh!”

The pile of books crashed to the floor.

Jade ran her hands through her hair, trying to to kick over anything with frustration.

“Aradia, why is doing this so gosh darn hard! I thought you said this would be instinctual!” Jade cried.

“I understand why you might be frustrated, Jade,” Aradia comforted, “The source of your psychokinesis is completely different than mine! Everyone just has to keep working hard to get a handle on your powers.”

Soft pillows surrounded Jade as she flopped over on the Egbert’s sofa.

“I know, Aradia, I know. It’s just! Bluh! I feel like I won’t ever be able to le-”

_Pop!_

Dave Strider materialized over Jade, tumbling onto her in a messy heap.

“Eleven minutes, elven seconds off, Dave.” Aradia sighed.

“Dammit.” He swore.

“Uh, hey, Dave!” Jade said, greeting the awkwardly positioned Dave.

“Hey,” he said with a grin.

The ungainly position of intimacy she was in made Jade blush. Trying to sit up, she moved Dave off with a friendly shove.

“Dork.” She said.

“Nerd.”

“Hey!” Karkat snapped. “I never thought I would say this, but now is _not_ the time for wacky rom-com shenanigans! Jade, until you can get a handle on your powers, there is absolutely no goofing off allowed!”

“Fine, Mr. Grumpy Kar _CRAB!_ ” Jade huffed.

She pushed her glasses up on the bridge of her nose and concentrated hard on the stack of books. Earlier, she tried visualizing them lifting off the ground. What if she tried a different method this time?

Jade closed her eyes. Instead of thinking, she tried feeling. Her arm rose forward, Jade knowing she was moving it, without seeing it. She tried to apply the same principal to to the books. They _could_ go up, it was just a matter of time. So to speak.

With all her intent focused, Jade thrust her arm to the sky. God dammit, those books were going to defy gravity, or her name wasn’t Jade Harley!

Biting her lip, she cracked open her eyes to see the results.

“Holy shit, Jade,” Dave said in awe.

Jade looked up. Technically, she did manage to levitate the books. In fact, she managed to levitate the entire living room. Including herself.

“Wow, Jade! Sure wish I could see whatever you’re doing right now! Whatever it is, boy, does it smell sour appley!” Terezi said, everyone knowing full well that she could “see” what was going on.

“See, Jade! I knew you could do it!” Aradia cheered.

“Wh-What in the name of everything good and fucking holy?” Karkat stammered. “Kanaya. Kanaya! Get your soggy lesbian ass over here and cut the sloppy makeouts! I need you to take a look at this!”

“Karkat, I’m sure whatever it is-” Kanaya said, leading Rose by the hand from the upstairs area. She looked at the scene before her, and her jaw dropped.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Fucking ‘Oh, shit’, is what.”

Dave let out a burst of laughter. “Nah, this is _so fucking cool,_ is what! I mean, damn, we’re just a couple of teenagers who dug through a crusty old man’s pile of science junk, and John Fucking Egbert, of all people, is right about us becoming ‘awesome heroes’ who ‘go on an epic quest of friendship and self discovery!’ And look at Jade! She is fucking OP, man!”

Jade blushed, twirling a book around in the air. “Aw, thank you, Dave!”

“I-I do have to admit,” Kanaya said, “This is certainly beyond the likes of anything I’ve seen before. My abilities, well, they pale in comparison to the raw power Jade has displayed.”

“Okay, okay, sure,” Karkat grumbled, poking at a floating wizard figurine. “But can we at the very goddamn _least_ take this outside, and avoid trashing the eyesore Rose calls a living room?”

“Hey now, the wizard statues are apparently ‘ironic’,” Rose protested.

“Come, on, Karkat!” Jade giggled. “Join the fun!”

Lifting her other hand, she rose Karkat up into the air, where her squirmed around like a little baby puppy.

“Hey! _HEY!_ JADE, PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN BEFORE I PULL OUT MY BEST PAIR OF SICKLES AND DICE YOUR ASS INTO GOURMET SUSHI!”

“Well, Karkat,” Jade said with a grin, “You _did_ say I could goof off once I learned how to use my powers!”

    “Yo, Jade, can I get in on this sick zero-G orgy you’ve got going on?” Dave joked, wiggling his eyebrows.

    “Sure thing, Dave!” Jade laughed. With a flick her wrist, Dave rose up into the air, where he swam over to Karkat, and started making fake sexy poses.

    “mmmmaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA _AAAAAAAAAAAA!”_ Karkat screamed in frustration.

    Jade beamed. This was the happiest her friends had been since the accident! Everybody was having a good laugh, when-

    _DING-DONG!_

“Eeep!” Jade shrieked in surprise. Everything came crashing to the floor with a thud.

    “Oh, Dave! Karkat! I’m so sorry! I’m just new to this whole thing, and maybe I overestimated my abilities, and then the doorbell rang, and-”

    “Hey,” Karkat said with a sigh, “It’s fine.”

    “Yeah, it’s totally cool! We’re all new to this crazy superhero shit.” Dave reassured her.

    “I’ll get it, then,” Rose said, rolling her eyes.

    Careful to step over Dave, Jade, and Karkat’s now “one-G orgy pile”, Rose opened the front door.

    “Can I help- Oh!” She said.

    In front of her stood a short, chubby, girl, about fifteen or sixteen, with jet black hair that seemed to fly in every direction, kind of like John’s. Her freckled face was somewhat red from exertion, and there was no car around her to be seen. The most striking thing about her, however, was her cyan blue eyes.

    God, Rose hated to use that word to describe eyes, but, well, her eyes were cyan. There was simply no other way around it.

    “Hello, my name’s Jane Crocker,” The girl said. “I believe my father was a dear friend of yours, funnily enough. What a small world, isn’t it! Unfortunately, he… he’s been kidnapped! May I stay at your house for a while, Roxy?”

    “Roxy?” Rose said in confusion. “Roxy is my mo-”

    She was cut short but the sound a a van screeching into the rather large driveway.

    “For fuck’s sake, we’re in the middle of a forest!” Karkat cried exasperatedly. “How many unannounced house guests could possible we have?”

    A skinny blonde girl in navy clothes kicked the van door open.

    She loudly announced, “Hey, hey! It’s ya homegirl Roxy here, master of conflict resolution, back from the front lines of Derse with the windy kid himself, the heir of breath, the one, the only, Joooooooooooooohn Egbert!!!!”

    With a flourish, she stepped aside, revealing a bashful John, Feferi and Equius. He started walking up the front steps to Rose's house, with Roxy at his side.

    “Hehe, well the mission didn’t really go as planned but I did-”

    He stopped short, staring at Jane.

   

“Nana?”

“Roxy?”

“Janey?!”

“Mom?”

    “ _Mom!”_


	16. ROSE: ACT LIKE THAT ISN'T YOUR TEEN MOM STANDING RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU.

**ROSE: ACT LIKE THAT ISN’T YOUR TEEN MOM STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU.**

 

_ No, that is most definitely my teenaged mother right there, _ Rose thought.  _ That, or her fifteen year old doppelganger.  _

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Roxy said. “Back the truck up. I mean, I know I have a rep for getting frisky with the dudes, but I’m pretty sure I’m not a ‘mom.’”

“And I’m pretty gosh darn sure that I’m nowhere near old enough to be a nana!” Jane exclaimed.

“Oh my god.” Rose’s head spun in confusion. It was an unfamiliar, and most definitely unpleasant, feeling. 

“Everyone, every single one of you, needs to come inside, sit down, and have a rosy little twelve-odd way heart-to-heart.”

“Sounds fine to me!” Roxy said, shrugging and heading inside the house. Everyone else soon followed suit. 

Soon, Rose had gathered every single house guest, regardless of authenticity of invitation, on her mother’s sofa in the living room. The ratio of seating available to sed house guests did create some… issues. Many people had to sit on the floor, or share their seat with someone else. As confused and frustrated as she was, Rose had to admit that the look on Karkat’s face as he tried to figure out the best way to sit on Dave’s lap was hilarious. 

“C-Can we just get on with this soggy diaper stain of a family meeting?!” Karkat huffed, trying to hide how obviously flushed he was.

“I believe my exact words were that this was a ‘twelve-odd way heart-to-heart’, not a ‘soggy diaper stain of a family meeting’, but, yes, we can get started.” Rose said.”Now, to keep this nice and orderly, if you have a question or statement, raise you hand, and I will call on you in time.”

For the third, maybe fourth time in this story, John Egbert’s ever inquisitive hand shot up into the air.

“Hey, Rose, what gives? How come me and Feferi had to drive all the way to my house, and then all the way back over here, huh?”

Rose gritted her teeth and clasped her hands.

“You. Could. Just. Wait. To. Be. Called. On.” She hissed.

“And to answer your question, yes, we were supposed to meet back up at your house. But a certain vehicle feline could not keep his mouth shut and, shall we say, let the ‘kat’ out of the bag about our hobby of fighting evil mob bosses. You father grew very nervous at this prospect, and said that he had to leave for ‘business purposes’, before kicking us out. So, we came to my humble abode, where my guardian is always either working or flat out drunk. Either way, she wouldn’t care.”

At this, the doppelganger of her mother twitched, almost uncomfortably. Rose didn’t see why see why “Roxy” would care about her parental troubles.

“Next question, please.” Rose sighed.

“Yeah, I’ve got a question for you,” Karkat shouted from his prime seat on Dave’s crotch. “Why the hell didn’t you know about these weirdo maternal twinsies? Isn’t your whole superpower ‘seeing the future’ or whatever?”

“C’mon, Karkat!” Jade piped up. “That’s not very nice! You know as well as I do that everyone here is just getting a handle on their powers now, including you and your friends! Maybe Rose hasn’t figured out how to control her visions yet.”

Rose’s emotional restraint was nigh about to do an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the deep end.

“One thing.” she muttered. “I asked for  _ one thing _ .”

A slender olive hand rose into the air, as if it was sensing Rose’s distress.

“Thank you!” Rose cried. “Everyone, take note of Kanaya’s simply exemplary ability to follow simple instructions!”

Clearing her throat, Kanya adjusted her sash and began to speak.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I do assume that your actions mean I have been called on. Anyway, I know this seems trivial in light of all these ‘clusterfucks’ and ‘motherly doppelgangers’, but may I ask how the mission to Derse went?”

John, Equius, Feferi and Roxy all looked at each other like students who had all forgotten to study for a test, and collectively needed to come up with a damn good excuse for why.

“Uhhhh…” Started Feferi.

“Er-”

“Mmmmm,”

“Shit. I’m kinda new here.” said Roxy.

Rose sighed and slapped her hand to her face. “I’m guessing it didn’t go well?”

“Yeah, no shit.” said John. “It was a humongous disaster!”

“To be fair, we did make a new frond!” Feferi said, trying to turn the mood around.

_ Frond?  _ Roxy mouthed.  _ What’s up with all these fish puns? _

_ She means friend, _ replied John.  _ And I have absolutely no clue. _

“Ah, yes, the new  _ friend _ ,” Rose said, a chilly tone to her voice. “Tell me, Roxy, would you care to explain why you look exactly like my mother? And why, despite the fact that I’ve had at least  _ one  _ teeny, tiny, premonition about everyone in this room at some point, I have never seen the face of you or your friend outside abandoned family scrapbooks?”

This question made Roxy sweat bullets. In fact, she was sweating enough bullets to load the rather large semi-automatic rifle the muscular girl on the opposite side of the sofa was playing with. Which did not help with the whole sweating problem.

Nervously gulping, Roxy looked up into Rose’s fearsome stare. 

“Uh, yup, sorry to say I’m pretty much as confused as you are. I definitely don’t know why I look like your mom, but maybe you don’t know about me cause I’ve been dimension hopping all over the place.” She said, shrugging her shoulders. “Like, when I do that, I get all voidy-like, so maybe you had a vision of me, but it just looked like, a regular park or something! And you were all like ‘dang, what’s so important about this frigging tree?’, but I was there. Except invisible.”

Rose narrowed her eyes.

“John, Feferi, Equius, is this true?”

Immediately, they all clambered to Roxy’s defense. To be fair, they kind of owed it to her, considering she pretty much saved their lives. John unsurprisingly led the “Roxy is a Good Person” brigade, while Feferi supplemented facts and details that John forgot while describing exactly  _ how  _ brave and noble and “super duper awesome!!!” Roxy was. Equius did his best to help defend Roxy, but all he could really do was say that she “was also one with the void” and avoid mentioning that he had been concussed less than two minutes after he met Roxy.

The crease between Rose’s eyes relaxed.

“All right, then. I do trust John’s opinion quite a bit, so I suppose that’s settled.”

“Um, excuse me?” Jane said, raising her hand. “Could someone explain just what the heck is going on here? My dad was just kidnapped, and apparently, this is not, as a was lead to believe, Roxy’s house! Not to mention all of you parading around in silly costumes and saying that you have ‘super powers’. And, Buster,” she scolded, turning to face John. “You better give me a darn good explanation as to why you think I’m your nana!”

John turned pale.

“Oh god, she even talks like my nana.”

Roxy gave John a quick pat on the back from where she was sitting, before addressing Jane.

“Yeeeaaah, so I don’t really know why your dad was kidnapped, or why John here thinks you look like his wrinkly ol’ grandma, but everyone here is parading around in costumes and talking about having superpowers cause we do.” Roxy said.

A furious red spread across Jane’s face. “Superpowers! Roxy, do you take me for some kind of rube? Gosh, I know you rib me quite a bit for my skepticism, but really, now is not the time!” She folded her arms and nestled herself as far into the sofa as she could go.

John leapt from his seat. “C’mon, weird girl that looks like my nanna! That’s not fair to any of us! You should at least wait and see if we can prove that we have super cool super powers. Then you can decide if you believe us, or not.”

Flailing around on Dave’s lap, and almost hitting Jade, Karkat protested, “Now wait just a mother fucking second! Roxy, I can somewhat tolerate, because she saved your measly little hides, but Jane girl? What the actual fuck? Are we showing off our  _ extreme rare and could-probably-get-us-killed-by-several-gangs-not-to-mention-the-government  _ abilities to just anyone now?”

Terezi slowly stood up from her seat by Jane. For the first time since John arrived, she began to speak.

“Karkat,”

“Yeah?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Karkat started at her with an incredulous expression on his face. Before he could say anything, Terezi spun around to face Jane, pointing her finger at her face.

“You are going to see living, breathing, proof that superheroes are real today. Then, and only then, are we going to talk.”

Suddenly, Terezi squinted. Which didn’t really make any sense, since she was blind, and had no need to squint. 

“John!” she barked. 

“Eep! Yeah, Terezi?” John said, startled by Terezi.

“You, outside, now. Bring Jane.” 

Not wanting to question Terezi, which, quite frankly, was one hell of an ordeal, John scurried outside, dragging Jane in tow.

She turned to face Roxy. 

“Roxy, I’m gonna give you a chance to fess up, cause frankly, you seem like a pretty cool kid, and it would be a shame to have to kill you.” Terezi snarked. That may not have been a real word, but Terezi didn’t care. What she did was clearly snarking.

“Wait, fess up to what?” Roxy said, nervously eyeing the crowd that was gathering around her.

“Tell me, Roxy,” Terezi said. “Would you happen to know of any other, say, genetically gifted kids in the area?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

_ Not too long ago, not too far away.... _

 

“Boy shitting howdy, this is a blast!” 

_ Blam! Blam! _

He shot off his dual pistols, hitting two Dersites in the leg.

“My leg!” the Dersite shouted.

“Haha! That’ll teach you to mess with the great adventurer, Jake English!”

Out of the corner of his eye, the boy spotted a blur moving behind him.

“Dirk, Dirk!” He cried. “On your left!”

Light bounced off polished sunglasses. “Got it.”

_ Whish! _

A katana whistled through the air, incapacitating the attacking Dersite. 

“Ooh! You got him with the old one-two! Pow! Pow!” He mimed punching the space in front of him.

Dirk grinned while finishing tying up the last few Dersites. 

“Thanks, Jake.”

Jake surveyed the work they had made of their opponents. “Dang, they just keep multiplying like rabbits, don’t they?”

His face dropping back to cool stoicism, Dirk said, “Yeah, that is somewhat unsettling. It feels like Condy’s getting more and more of a big head every day she has Derse under her neon-painted thumb.”

“Oh,” Jake frowned. “I suppose that is a bit of a problem.” 

“Nothing I can’t handle,” Dirk said, hefting the bound and gagged Dersites over his shoulder, tossing them in the corner, and setting down an automated phone set to dial 911. “I’ll just send Roxy over to get some reconnaissance from Derse.”

“Get the recon on the recondy, as it were?” Jake joked, pulling double pistol guns and a wink.

“Well, that’s one way of putting it.” Dirk sighed.

“Do you think she’ll meet any of your old friends there?” Jake asked.

“Jake, she’ll be ‘in-void’ or whatever the entire time she’s there. Odds are, she won’t meet  _ anyone. _ ”

“Oh.”

And with that, they hopped into Dirk’s spray painted van and drove off to Can Town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and with that, the whole cast is here, bitches.


	17. BE JANE CROCKER.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this is really short. Fricking finals. >:P

**BE JANE CROCKER.**

 

Jane Crocker shuffled her feet outside where John was waiting for her. He leaned against a tree on the edge of the forest, bashfully picking at his favorite Ghostbusters t-shirt.

“So, I suppose you’re going to show me these ‘amazing super powers’ you all have, aren’t you?” she said skeptically.

John shrugged. “Yeah, actually. At least, I think that’s what Terezi wants. She’s so confusing sometimes.”

Gesturing her hand at him, Jane said, “Well, go on right ahead, buster!”

With a little frown, he muttered, “Man, I still can’t get over how weird that is.” John shook his head and jumped around a bit to warm up. It looked kind of like one of those birds of paradise doing a mating dance, in Jane’s opinion.

“Hehe, man, there’s so much pressure right now! It is ridiculous. Now, I’m gonna do this… Windy thing? I don’t really have a better name for it, sorry. I’ve only done it twice before, so it might be kinda shitty.”

He took a deep breath in. Jane looked at him. Frankly, squinting your eyes and groaning like you were constipated was not very impressive. 

“Argh!” John said with a stomp. “Okay, okay, sorry. I dunno, this stuff is kinda hard… Why couldn’t Terezi send Jade to do this instead?”

Jane rolled her eyes. This game of pretend that these weirdos (minus Roxy) were trying to play with her was getting old. There was a real mystery out there for her to solve! Missing fathers, reports of gangs activity, weird fires in the nearby forest… 

_ Wait, that was this forest!  _ Jane thought.

“Hold on- Haha, yes! Got it!” John said, leaping from branch to branch on an old pine tree. He soared through the trees like a bird, occasionally boosting himself up in the air with a puff of wind.

John let out a whoop of glee. He shot up towards the sky, hung in the hair for a split second, and rocketed back down to ground before pulling up at 

Transfixed, Jane stared at John’s aerial performance. And then…

Jane laughed. 

She laughed herself silly. Tears ran down Jane’s cheek as she doubled over, chortling and chuckling and giggling until you gasped for breath.

“Boy, you sure got me good! This was all some elaborate prank, wasn’t it? Taking my dad, acting all serious, pretending to fly around on a windy day? Jeez, you must have paid a fortune for these wires. What a prank! Even I, Jane Marie Crocker have to admit, the prankster’s gambit goes to you, mister.”

With a frown on his face, John lowered to the ground, the wind whipping around him subsiding.

“Oh, come on!” He flailed around in the air, twisting and turning until John looked like a Ghostbusters brand gyroscope. “There aren’t any wires! If there were, I’d tell you at this point, cause the jig would be up. Just, watch me. I do really have superpowers, look!” 

John whipped his hands around in a circle creating a tiny tornado over his chest. John’s hands wavered a bit, concentrating on keeping the miniature storm from flying out of control. Frankly, John was kinda making it up on the spot, riding his gut feeling to use his power in new ways. If anyone could bullshit his way into looking like a big shot super hero who knew exactly how their abilities worked, it was him.

With a flick of his wrist, John pushed the tiny tornado outwards, sending it rocketing towards the sky.

Unfortunately, it sent something, or rather, someone else rocketing the opposite direction.

John was flung back like a rag doll. The mini storm had sent him slamming into a tree and crashing to the ground with a pitiful crunch. 

“John!” Jane cried, running to his limp body. “John, wake up! John!”

As gently as she could, Jane wiped some blood off John’s forehead. 

“Roxy! Roxy, get over here! John’s been hurt!” Jane yelled, hoping help might arrive. 

She placed her hand over John’s heart. It was still beating, thankfully, but Jane could tell he was still badly injured. If only she could do something about it…

Jane gasped.

_ My hands! _

A warm, green light had surrounded her hands and forearms, which radiated through John’s chest, running up his neck, and into his head. 

“Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez, oh, jeez, oh, jeez!” Jane said. Yeah, this was pretty new for her. Despite all the weird shit going on, Jane didn’t dare pull her hands away. What if she made things worse?

With a cough, John’s eyes cracked open. 

“Wow, that was some kickback.” he croaked.

At that minute, Roxy and Terezi rushed in to see John. 

“Do you need some help? Dude, that must have hurt! Sure hope you aren’t concussed.” Roxy asked.

“I’m fine, I think.” John replied. “But you should really ask Jane.”

Roxy stared at Jane, who was still awkwardly rubbing her hands on John in the attempt to make him better. Terezi giggled at the scene. 

“See, I told you we had super powers! You just needed to see it for yourself.” Terezi said to Jane, who was now aggressively shaking her hands to try to get the glowy thing to turn off. 

“Couldn’t you have asked Jade to show Jane instead?” John groaned. 

“No, that wouldn’t have worked, dumbdumb! Jane had to know that she had super powers from first hand experience.”

“Wait,” John said, squinting at Terezi. “Are you saying that the  _ only way  _ to get Jane to believe super heroes are real was to nearly fucking kill me?” 

“Maybe,” Terezi shrugged.

“God, I hate you so much.”

“C’mere, let me help you up!” Terezi chuckled.

John put up a huge fit about it, but Terezi forcefully hoisted him over her shoulder and carried him back to Rose’s house.

Jane, in complete and total shock, just kept staring into space. Staring was nice.

Roxy leaned into Jane. “Sooooo….. You’re tellin’ me you’ve got the bomb ass suped up genes that let you do crazy shit?”

Jane nodded.

“Argh, not you too! Fuck this, let’s go inside.”


	18. KIDS: HAVE A BIG FAT FEELINGS JAM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i return from hiatus
> 
> (This chapter marks the start of endgame)

**CHARACTER SELECT:**

 

**[EB][TG2][CT][CC]== >**

 

**[TT][GA]= >**

 

**[??][??]= >**

 

_ Oh man, look at all this free will you are getting. It is just absolutely motherfucking bananas. You attempt to click on each of the links before you realize that this is a linear narrative told in word format, and as a reader, there is absolutely jack shit that you can do about the way its is told.  _

 

_ You ignore the fact that I commandeered this story from the original author. _

 

**[EB][TG2][CT][CC]== >**

 

John picked himself up off the floor and walked over to where the members of his reconnaissance team were sitting. 

“Hey guys, what’s up?” he said.

“Oh, well, y’know, found other weirdo kids, nearly got killed, pissed of the head of the biggest mob in town. All in a day’s work.” Roxy replied.

“Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.”

With a mighty, strong snort, Equius cleared his throat. 

“M’am, I would like to point out that as we are both blessed with the gift of the void, we have a STRONG inclination to each other. I suggest you and I team up in future conquest, so that we may STRENGTHEN our bond together.”

“Wait, are you asking her out on a date?” John asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“No- I mean, if Miss Roxy would enjoy that- I was simply-” Equius stuttered, breaking out into a nervous sweat. Like. A serious nervous sweat, not your average sweat, not sir. This is some mega fucking sweat here, like a small ocean just pouring out of ripples and folds off nasty-ass skin.

Rolling her eyes, Feferi reached into Equius’s bag and pulled out a towel before unceremoniously dumping it on him. John caught a glimpse of dozens of used towels in the bag. He was scarred for life.

“Yikes,” Roxy winced. “Well, I’m out.”

“Me too,” John said, swallowing down vomit. “Wanna go watch  _ Contact  _ in the guest room?”

“Hell. Fucking. Yes.”

 

**[TT][GA]= >**

 

Rose wiped a bead of sweat off her forehead. This was it. This was quite possibly the most difficult thing she had ever done in her short fifteen years on earth. Steeling herself, she gulped in air and strode off in Kanaya’s direction.

Hesitantly, she tapped Kanaya on the shoulder. The beautiful brown skinned girl turned around to look at Rose, her black painted lips glistening in the light.

“Yes?”

“Kanaya, I was wondering…” Rose started, feeling her cheeks flush unwillingly. “I was wondering if I could speak to you privately in my room, please.”

Kanaya gave Rose a warm smile with twinkling jade eyes. “Absolutely.”

She touched Rose’s hand, sending starbursts running up her nerves. It was an indication for Rose to lead on, she presumed. The stairs to Rose’s room seemed taller all the sudden. 

Once she reached her room, Rose gently closed the door behind her and sat down with Kanaya on her bed. She looked deep into Kanaya’s eyes, those shining jewels that made her heart melt whenever they landed on her. 

“I’ve not known you for a terribly long time,” Rose started, “But I feel as though through the course of our adventures, I’ve gotten to know you admirably well, if I do say so myself. You’ve been incredibly kind to me and my friends. You helped us make new, and dare I say, rather fashionable outfits, even if it was at the behest of my friend John. You have a big heart, and a tender touch, and even if you stumble and fall sometimes, you always pick yourself back up and try again. That’s one of the things I love about you. You…. you never stop fighting for what you believe in.”

Kanaya’s ochre skin suddenly turned violet red. She gave Rose a shy smile. That smile. 

God, Rose wanted to hold tight onto that smile. She wanted to hold tight to it, and never let it slip off her tender face, not even for a second. 

“Yes…”

Kanaya raised an eyebrow. She knew what was up. “So, I do presume there are others?” She said, trailing her fingers down Rose’s arm.

She felt a shiver of pleasure run down her spine, and Rose’s stomach felt like it was about to do a motherfucking pirouette off something. Probably not the handle, seeing as the mind was the only organ that was reserved for. Actually, it was probably best not to think about any organs at the moment.

“Well, what do you like about me?” Rose said.

“I do think your face is rather beautiful. You are quite appropriately named, you know.”

“Oh, hush. I’m not pretty, and definitely not as pretty as a flower.”

“It’s true!” Kanaya protested. “You know, a Rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

Rose smirked. “Don’t you quote Shakespeare at me, you rapscallion.”

“Ah, but truly, he was the master of romance.”

Sighing, Rose was yanked out of her moment of freedom. She came up here for a reason.

“Kanaya, I…. I still haven’t told you what I came up here for.”

“Yes?”

“Would you, I don’t know, consider going on a romantic lesbianing of sorts together?”

Before she could even respond, Kanya crashed into her arms, kissing her passionately.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

 

**[??][??]= >**

 

Two hooded figures drove up to the Lalonde residence. They piled out of the car, parked a safe distance away, and silently snuck up to the front door. Dirk nodded at Jake, giving him the “all clear” signal. 

_ Bam! Bam! Bam! _

__ Jake kicked down the front door, brandishing his pistols wildly. 

“Hands up, everyone!” he shouted. “Don’t worry, Roxy, we’re getting you out of here!”

Roxy poked her head out of the guest room, in the middle of watching  _ Contact. _ Her face paled, and her jaw nearly dropped to the ground.

“No, wait, guys, it’s fine-”

“Hah! These dastardly agents can’t keep Nix down for long, can they? Dirk, now!” Jake said.

A lanky figure broke through the window, causing glass to skitter on the marble floor. His entire face was covered by a red gas mask, making him look even more intimidating. Roxy heard the  _ tink tink tink _ of a metal canister rolling along the floor, a hiss, and saw a cloud of gas creep through the house. 

She tried to warn her new friends, explain what was going on, that it was all a misunderstanding, but her limbs grew heavy, and when she tried to speak, her lips couldn’t move to form words. The last thing she remembered was a flash of blue before everything went black.


	19. JOHN: WHO THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *mushu voice* I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

**JOHN: WHO THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS?**

 

John felt like he was destined fail wherever romance was involved. First, the girl he confessed his “undying love” to turned out to be a lesbian, then when he tried to take a girl out to see the Ghostbusters reboot, the couple in front of them started having sex in the theater, and now, when he thought he finally had some alone time with a girl to show her a movie he really liked, two weirdos broke into his house and gassed everyone.

As soon as he saw the murky gas creeping up the stairs, John frantically started blasting it with air in a desperate attempt to keep away the noxious fumes. Alas, John’s gusto for not being knocked out couldn’t stop the onslaught of the gas. Cornered in the guest room, John smashed through the long window pane and flew down, whipping up the wind around him.

The two men standing at the front door turned around, pointing their weapons straight at him. Panicked and bleeding, John put his fists up at the intruders. He may have been outnumbered and outgunned, but goddamn, if these bastards were going to hurt him or his friends, he wasn’t going down without a fight.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” John snarled, the wind flaring around him. 

The two figures paused, looked at eachother, and eased their tight stances. 

Pulling off his gas mask, the wiry blonde looked at John with an ever so slightly puzzled expression.

“You’re just a kid.”

“Yeah, well, so are you!” said John, ever stating the obvious. He shifted his feet, refusing to let his guard down despite the confusion.

“Blimey!” An English-sounding voice echoed from the green mask. “Is everyone else in there a kid too?”

John watched in shock and terror as the dark-skinned boy pulled off his gas mask. 

_ No. Goddammit. No. No. No.  _

“WHY DOES EVERYONE LOOK LIKE MY GRANDPARENTS?!” John wailed, collapsing on the grass.

The tall Asian boy chuckled, his deep green eyes sparkling with amusement. “Well, I’ve been told I talk like an old man, but this is a first!”

“Is this some kind of conspiracy?” John mumbled from the dirt. “Why are my teen grandparents trying to kill me?”

“Well, hold on now!” The kid in green said. “I don’t think we’re going to  _ kill _ you!”

“Yet.” The blonde added.

“Dirk, shush!”

“You dumbass,” Dirk said, flipping out a pair of sunglasses from his pocket. “We’re supposed to use codenames around other people.”

“Whoops, sorry!” he said bashfully. “It’s a bit late for that now, I suppose. Maybe we should all have a proper introduction! My name is Jake, and that there’s my partner, Dirk!”

“Sup.”

Shaking at the knees, John stood up and shook hands with Grandpa the Kid. 

“Everything is confusing and nothing makes sense,” he complained.

“That’s okay!” Jake gave him a brisk pat on the back that nearly knocked the wind out of him. Christ, he and Jade were about to get dethroned as the resident tall kids. “That kind of comes with our line of work. Mind if we come inside?”

Before John could respond, Jake and Dirk stepped inside and started poking around.

“Boy, kinda tacky, isn’t it?” Jake said, kicking a marble wizard statue. “Sure Roxy would love it here though!”

“Yeah, she would,” John said, peeved. “That’s why she was upstairs watching  _ Contact _ with me.”

The new duo slapped their foreheads in an epic  _ FACEPALM 4X COMBO _ . 

“Oh my god,” Dirk said. “That’s why she stopped answering my messages.”

John gave Dirk the stink-eye. “Yeah, so could you please explain to me what the fuck is going on? Why did you come in here and attack everyone?”

Dirk sighed and unceremoniously shoved a sleeping Equius and Terezi off the sofa, which John couldn’t help but laugh at. Patting the sofa, Dirk indicated for John to come sit down.

“The full details of what’s going on are more convoluted than Toby Fox’s shitty coding, and heavily classified information, but unless Condy’s started kidnapping kids again, you’re probably just an innocent bystander.”

Dirk took a deep breath in, pushed his shades up, and leaned back into the sofa.

“You’ve probably heard about the gang wars between the Dersites and the Prospitians. We’re from a neutral third party called Can Town. Stupid name, I know. The founder is an Ex-Dersite who left way before the new Dersite boss, the Condescension, kicked everything into third gear. He and other gang members from both sides who wanted a better life left, and formed Can Town. Our job is to break up the system of violence and fear the new Dersite Boss has imposed across the state. Roxy had just gone on a deep recon mission in the heart of Derse, so when she stopped responding, he thought she was being captured and held as leverage, or worse. So we tracked her phone and-”

“Oh, I know.” John said. “I was there.”

This genuinely caught Dirk off guard. The dude had the most emotion on his face in that one split second than the entire time John had seen him. 

“You-” Dirk started, readjusting his glasses and leaning forward. “You were there?”

“Yeah.” John said nonchalantly. “We were going to spy on The Baroness, or, uh, Condy, I guess, too.”

Now, it was Dirk’s turn to be pants-shittingly confused. “How the hell did you manage to do that? For that matter, how the hell did you know Roxy was there? Why the fuck would she agree to come back with you? And why did you call her the Baroness? Nobody’s called her that since-”

Dirk’s face went slack and what little color in it he had drained away. 

“No. No. They didn’t survive. It’s why she’s been so aggressive.” He comforted himself.

“Hey Dirk?” A voice called from upstairs. “So, I was wandering around while you were giving your whole spiel, and I think you might want to take a look at this.”

Dirk and John stepped carefully over Aradia’s unconscious body as they went upstairs, turning left into Rose’s room.

Rose and Kanaya were sleeping peacefully, entangled in an embrace, as though they knew what was coming and wanted to protect one another. But that wasn’t the interesting part. Underneath Kanaya’s baby hairs on the back of her neck, just barely above her shoulder blades, lay a dark spot of ink.

Confused, John pushed back the two horrified teenagers to get a closer look.

In harsh, unforgiving text, John could make out the tattoo,  _ B-02-06. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> but for real though, i had to take a hiatus that was waaaaaay longer than i intended for reasons outside my control. it feels super good to be back though! and we're nearing endgame ;)
> 
> but for real (or for jokes, i guess, since that last part was kinda serious) dirk is so difficult to write.


	20. BE JOBE EGBERT.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey there! do you like mild plot exposition shoved inbetween gratuitous amounts of poorly written characterization and angst? boy, i sure hope ya do!
> 
> i also hope ya like things with a hilariously inconsistent update schedule! (with any luck, the next chapter should be out next sunday, or about 10 days from now.)

**BE JOBE EGBERT.**

 

John’s father craned his neck up at the immaculate skyscraper on the outer edges of New York City. It felt oddly out of place with the slums only a river away, but Jobe understood why Pa did what he did. Dark spots from the midday glare made it hard for him to see, but if he squinted, he could make out the sign on the top of the building that read _Skaianet Inc._

Stepping inside, Jobe flashed his ID at the receptionist and powerwalked into the elevator. Irritatingly cheerful music played while colorful messages such as _Skaianet: Helping You Reach Your Full Potential!_ and _Tired of your desk job? Why not visit our outdoor research facility?_ flashed on a screen installed in the wall. Jobe anxiously drummed out a rhythm with his foot and compulsively checked his watch.

He bolted out of the elevator and through maze of cubicles the second he heard the ding. Despite his distress, he had to admit, the working conditions were rather nice, and the desks quite spacious. He’d consider reapplying for a job here, if working for his father again wasn’t such an insult to his pride.

Finally, he reached his destination: a metal door with horizontal panes of glass on either side. Not bothering with any of his usual pleasantries, Jobe barged straight into the room.

“Roxanne,” he said.

A curvy and attractive woman with a bouncy curled hairdo rose from her desk. Her skin was the color of honey and just as smooth. Underneath her labcoat, which cut off at the shoulders, she wore flattering black sleeves that clung to her arms. In her right hand, she held a ballpoint pen, and in the left, a martini that refracted light across her cluttered office.

“Ah! Jobe, long time, no see.” Roxanne said with a grin.

“I have something serious I need to talk with you about. And I thought I told you to stop drinking.”

Roxanne’s smile quickly soured, her eyes flicking downward. Was that a flash of guilt he detected?

“I hope you remember the secondary aspect trials you and my father were setting up?”

“Yeah?” Roxanne swished her martini glass around nonchalantly. “What about em?”

Unable to contain his emotions, Jobe slammed his hands down on her desk, his whole body shaking and rattling like the almost empty vodka bottle in front of him.

“Apparently, my _son_ was your lab rat.” He spat.

Roxanne’s eyes went wide.

“Wh- I- No! Lil’ Johnny is so cute, and I’d never do anything like that!” She stuttered.

Jobe narrowed his eyes at her.

“Okay… well, we were going to run some tests on Jade.” Roxanne admitted.

Jobe leaned forward and stared at her harder.

“Sorry! After, well, you know,” she said, her voice riddled with regret, “After the giant alpha trial disaster, we had to completely start from scratch. Harley figured since we were going to have work with someone we didn’t get from a bottle anyway, we might as well try it out with someone who’s genes and body structure were already pretty close to the alphas, so that we could salvage some of the GCAT’s coding. The old man would have done it himself, actually pushed for it at first, if he hadn’t been vetoed by me and the board. Jade’s a good kid: I’m sure she’d be down for it, especially since she’s always pestering me about getting to help out. And Harley loves that kid! He’d never let her, or anyone else for that matter, use something that he felt wasn’t safe yet. We’d barely even picked out her aspect!”

“Oh,” Roxanne said, her eyes lighting up with realization, “We’d programmed Jade’s fingerprints into the database already, and Mr. Harley makes sure she gets free roam of the lab. She and John are pretty tight, maybe they just wandered in and accidentally set off the machine.”

“Fine,” he sighed. “You didn’t intentionally experiment on John. Now, I'm trusting you to answer me honestly here.”

Jobe stared brokenly at Roxanne, his misty blue eyes revealing the deep vulnerability he had in regards to his one and only son.

“Is this going to kill him?”

“No,” Roxanne admitted tentatively. “We didn’t release it to the press, or even anyone outside the head board members, but the alpha test group actually survived the GCAT. _That_ wasn’t what caused the catastrophic failure.”

Jobe stepped back and released tension in his body he wasn’t aware he was holding. His son wasn’t going to die. For now.

“Roxanne, I can’t express how grateful I am for your candor. Unfortunately, it doesn’t change the fact that, because of your genetic meddling, he’s got the idea in his head that he has to ‘be the hero’ and is risking his life _as we speak_ because he wants to try to stop the Condescension!” said Jobe, becoming more and more unhinged with every word.

“I…” Roxanne trailed off. “I’m so sorry.”

“That’s not even the best part,” Jobe joked through barely held back tears. “Rose and Dave were roped into this whole goddamn mess too!”

“They, uh,” Jobe sniffled and then grinned a bit through his tears. “They had these costumes. ‘Super Suits’, I think they called them. They thought I didn’t notice, but Rose kept pulling out this, this shiny faux gold cape. The look on her face when she brought it out, you would have thought she made the Mona Lisa. And can you guess who tipped me off to all this? The Condescension’s beta group.”

Roxanne dropped her martini glass on the floor. It bounced and rolled around on the floor before coming to a halt at Jobe’s feet. The scientist’s face drained of color, her painted lips going slack.

“Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.” Roxanne mumbled

Hands shaking, she reached into her desk and pulled out another glass. She started brokenly into the glass as vodka spluttered and splashed and filled it all the way to the brim. Desperately trying to blot something out from her memory, Roxanne chugged the entire glass down before simply giving up and gazing into the bottle longingly.

“They- No. They’re all just kids. Nothing was supposed to have worked out, it meant we had time but now-”

“Yeah.” Joel took off his hat and sat down. “This is why I never wanted any part of this. Because now, we either have to sit back and watch that conniving bitch take over, or we have to sacrifice our children in hopes that they can stop her.”

“Heh. You know, if we had enough time, I might have been able to jerry-rig the GCAT to send the kids to whatever dimension all this crazy Green Sun shit came from. Maybe they’d be better off there.” Roxanne said.

“Amen to that.” Jobe said, pulling out his pipe and taking a long drag from it. “Hell, maybe we could send them to a universe full of lollipops and cotton candy, where everyone is happy all the time.”

The two bitter adults chuckled painfully

“God.” Roxanne buried her face in her hands. “I wish your little brother was here.”

Joel burst out in a fit of hysterical laughter. “You know what? For once, I do too. He’s such a pain in the ass, but he’d know just what to do in this kind of situation.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Jude Harley,” a sickly sweet voice sneered. “Enjoying the view?”

The scruffy investigator was bound from head to toe, pinned under a glossy pink high heel.

“Fuck off,” he spat.

“Awww,” The Condesce whined in mock sorrow, digging her heel harder into his chest. “But every other young man I’ve bound and gagged has enjoyed it so much! You know, if you’d just tell me where those cute little kiddies are, I might even let you take things to the next level!”

Squatting right next to his face, the sultry mob boss licked her lips, and trailed a heavily bangled hand across Jude’s body.

“You wish, _Meenah._ ”

This caught her off guard. She yanked back her hand, causing her bracelets to rattle and jangle like old tin cans.

Jude looked her up and down, at her hot pink heels, at her pants so tight they barely qualified as anything other than underwear, at her kitschy faux nails with all manner of decorations glued to them, at her tacky fuschia shirt which hung off her shoulders and exposed the horrible tanner she used. And he laughed.

“I’m not afraid of you. I know all about you, Meenah. I know who you used to be, I know what you’ve done, I know what you want, and I know what you’re willing to do to make that happen. And you know what? I’m still not afraid!”

“Hmmph.” The Baroness stood up. “A bit fussy, are ya? Still won't talk? Fine by me. You two idiots, get over here.”

She motioned to the two men guarding the entrance to her decadently decorated room.

“Take Judey-Wudey here to the tank, would ya? Maybe after a little spa treatment, he’ll be grateful enough to tell me where his little bastard is hiding.”

“Never!” Jude screamed from the thug’s back. “Never, do you hear me? Jane is going to grow up strong and beautiful, and she is going to take you down, you wanna-be queen! You insidious megalomaniac! You- You parasitic mockingbird! You Thomas Edison! You-”

 _BAM!_ The giant gilded door slammed shut, finally cutting off Jude’s stream of insults.

“See ya, be-yotch.”

 

**END OF ACT 3.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA PLOT TWIST JUDE IS JANE'S ADOPTIVE FATHER
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> (but for real though this is coming out ONE DAY before hiveswap and i hope to god i guessed his character correctly enough)
> 
> ((also I FORGOT but the first intermission marks the end of act 2.))


	21. INTERMISSION 2: THE RE-INTERMISSIONING

 

**INTERMISSION 2: THE RE-INTERMISSIONING**

**DS: GREET VISITOR.**

_Why, hello there. Come in, come in._

_ _

_It’s been… uh, it’s been a while since I’ve had any visitors who weren’t trying to kill me. I’ve had some time on my hands. Haven’t really been able to leave the house._

_ _

_ _

_Moving on._

_ _

**> DS: CHANGE OUTFIT.**

_God. I really oughtta go change into something appropriate than bargain bin cosplay for the occasion._

_ _

_Hope this is good enough. This looks official and authory, right? Right?_

 

_…_

 

 _I really was_ not _expecting guests._

_ _

_Hey, wait a second…_

_ _

_no no no no no no no no_

_ _

_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_

**DS > RECAP…?**

_Eh, I dunno._

_If I’m honest, this whole thing has been a clusterfuck from start to finish._

_But you know what? I’m fucking proud. I’m proud of this clusterfucky pirated mess I’ve spent way too much time on. And, for some reason, people seem to like it._

_Hell, I think I might even miss working on it._

_Hold on one huss-busting second, that gives me an idea._

_ _

**EX-MSPA READER:= > GAIN THE POWER.**

**_Your tiny reader mind is absolutely overwhelmed with the raw power that has been bestowed upon you, like a thousand tiny horses majestically galloping through your blood. You do not know what the power even is. You don’t even care._ **

_Okay, listen, I’m just saying that I’m going to be starting something else after this whole hero business is over and done with. So, if you want, you should vote on what gets written next. Reader, you really do have the power here._

 

**DS= > OPTIONS?**

_Yeah! I’ve got three juicy, succulent, stories lined up ripe for the picking. And you, yes, you, not that other guy sitting next to you, get to choose._

_With the power._

 

_Of._

 

_DEMOCRACY._

**EX-MSPA READER= > CONSIDER YOUR OPTIONS.**

 

_Yeah, you just get three. Don’t get too excited now._

 

_Your first option is a cute and standard high school theater AU, with all of the characters. All of them. Comes with moderate level shipping and shenanigans. So. Many. Shenanigans._

 

_Of course, if you’re one of those “emo” types, I could write an angsty soulmate AU, focusing on just a few main characters. And by a few, I mean like eight. The shipping levels here will be off the charts, which I hope would be obvious. Not liable for any reimbursement caused by emotional damage._

 

_And finally, if you hate yourself that much, you could vote for me to write an Anime School AU, about a very magical school where every student embodies a trope from the animes upon enrollment. Content warning: There will be furries._

 

_I..._

_I don’t know what damage writing that would cause to the fabric of the universe. Probably a lot._

 

**EX-MSPA READER = > GO VOTE IN THE COMMENTS!**

_Seriously, do it. Hell, you can even make suggestions and edits, like what ships and characters you want to see. C’mon, do it. You have nothing to lose._

_Probably._

 

_Anyway, I’ve got some heroic shit to write in the meantime. Now get out of my house._


	22. BE THE ASSHOLE WITH THE SHADES.

**BE THE ASSHOLE WITH THE SHADES.**

 

_ You are currently conked the fuck out. What an enthralling adventure! _

 

**NO, THE OTHER ONE.**

 

_ Your name is Dirk Strider, Destroyer of Souls, Yaldabaoth, Scourge of the Baroness, and if this English-looking fucko opens his mouth  _ one more time,  _ you are going to have an aneurysm on the spot. _

“So, just to clarify, the mayor was a Dersite, and now he’s not, and the Midnight Crew were Dersites, and then they were citizens of Can Town, and then they were not, and then they went back to Derse, but not really, and now they like you but hate me? But the citizens of Can Town like everybody except for the old ruler of Derse, who was kicked out, and then became part of the Midnight Crew, except she didn’t go to Can Town first? And they’re willing to help us stop the Baroness?”

“Precisely!” Jake boomed.

Dirk tightened his grip on the van’s steering wheel, digging his fingers into the decaying foam. 

“Will you  _ shut up? _ ” He hissed. 

“Awwwwwww, Dirky,” Roxy slurred from the back seat. She blinked doleful watery eyes, incapacitated from the sleeping gas. “If those boys wanna talk, lettem talk, and then talk, and then talk, and talk, and uh…” she paused, and pondered her dangling legs as if to say something thoughtful. “And talk some more!” She declared, proud of her incredible insight.

Tired from all her philosophical revelations, Roxy flopped over into her cracked leather seat as if to say,  _ Being such a genius is simply too exhausting. _

John, who occupied the seat next to Roxy in the back of the van, gently sat Roxy back up and offered her a bottle of water rolling around on the floor. 

“Hey, don’t tire yourself out, Rox,” he said. “We wouldn’t want you to pass out again!”

Roxy giggled maniacally, her head lolling to the side. Little curls of golden hair spilled into the seat. Draping herself across John, she trailed her hand across John’s chest and gave him a little poke.

“I wouldn’t mind tirin’ myshelf out with yooooouu, Johnny-boy,” she whispered loudly. 

A bright red blush spread across John’s tan complexion. “Oh- uh, well, you know that’s… nice.” he stuttered.

Dirk’s snickers ricochted inside the dingy vehicle. “Nice, Egbert.”

“Oi, mate!” Jake protested. “Don’t be a prick. John seems like a real stand-up fellow, if I do say so myself.”

“Yeeeessssss……” Roxy mumbled. “He’sa stanb up fenllow.” 

“Awww, thanks you two!” John beamed. “You know, I’ve only know you guys for a couple of hours, but I feel like we’re already great friends! Maybe even like, connected, you know? Everyone is just so nice, and caring, and great- I mean, except for when you broke into my friend’s house and knocked everyone out- but that was a total accident!”

_ SCREECH!  _ Dirk slammed the van’s rusty old breaks, sending John and Roxy flying. 

“We’re here. Get out.”

From the rear-view mirror, he saw the dorky kid and a half awake Roxy fly face-first into the blocky front seats.  

“Hey!” protested John, rubbing his head angrily. “What was that for?”

Dirk looked at him coolly over the rim of his shades. 

“I’m not a fan of being sentimental.”

Grumbling, John helped a very confused Roxy to her feet. 

“Well, on the bright side, we’re almost at Can Town!” Jake said, ever optimistic. 

“Yup.” Dirk replied. “And we walk from here.”

Stepping out of the driver’s seat, Dirk slid down a hill to reach a river basin set into the ground. The new Three Stooges, naturally, were bumbling down the steep incline after him.  _ God, was John actually rolling down the hill? _

He looked up at the colossal maintenance pipe leading into Can Town. The concrete was old and weathered, but did it’s job well. Dirk put his weathered and scarred hand against the stone. It was pleasantly cool to the touch. The tunnel was comforting, it reminded him of home, and all the memories he had of playing with Roxy and Jake as a child. Before all of this had started. It was comforting. Well, comforting to him at least.

“Gross!” John said, startling Dirk out of his thoughts. “Do we seriously have to go in there?”

“What part of underground tunnel system do you not understand?” he seethed.

“ _ ShhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeesssSSsSHhushsSH!!!!” _ Roxy interrupted. “It’s a SECERET!” she shouted.

Rolling his eyes, Dirk said, “Okay, let’s just go. Hopefully the knockout gas will have worn off by then.”

John thoughtfully picked some grass off his shirt. “Sure thing!”

The four of them trekked through the damp tunnels for, as John put it, “way too long for a normal person to not suspect it was a trap.” Finally, they reached a barred gate, which appeared to be a sluice at first glance, until Jake twisted one of the bars like a locker combination, and it creaked open. 

“Welcome to Can Town, bitches.” 

“Whoa.” 

The slight trickle of water they had been sludging through turned into a flood after the entrance, and formed a river snaking through the mismatched houses made of metal patchworks melded together. Four other tunnels lead into the main encampment, dumping more water into the canals they used for transport. Bridges criss-crossed the upper portion the tunnels, effectively creating a second Can Town in the concrete sky. Wires connected the shacks in a rudimentary power system that Dirk rigged one particularly boring summer. He’d never admit it, but he was actually kind of proud. 

And, of course, there were the cans.

They lined the streets, the houses, the yards. Cans were used as containers for fire, vagabonds scurrying around, carrying them like torches. They were used as planters, scraggly tomatoes and herbs sprouting up from the cans of their forefathers. They were used as tiling, ragged edges of cut metal covering the tops of houses that leaned in a way that toed the line between endearing and unsettling. 

The cans.

They were everywhere.

“So this is why they call it Can Town, huh?” John marveled.

“Yesh,” Roxy confirmed, who was more coherent, but still unable to completely control her body. “The cansh are unescabable.” 

Jake shrugged and pulled up a gondola tied to the outside of the gate. “Well, you’ve got to find a way to make things work, even if you live at the bottom of a sewer.”

The tiny boat creaked and wobbled as they boarded. Jake took a long pole out of the floorboards and started pushing them towards the city center, where the Mayor lived. 

Dirk watched John go ape-shit bananas over the somewhat odd, but endearing, way of life in Can Town. He and Jake grinned at each other. He tried not to, but what could he say?

He was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh also yall better go comment what you wanna see me write next in the comment of the intermission!!!! i'm not kidding when i say we're nearing endgame lads


	23. JOHN: MEET THE MAYOR OF CAN TOWN.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bet u thought I was dead

**JOHN: MEET THE MAYOR OF CAN TOWN.**

 

“Oh my God,” John said. “Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.” He took a deep breath in.

“So this is why they call it Can Town, huh? _ ” _

He sent the tiny boat rocking back and forth with his sheer excitement. Jake gave him an angry look that scared the bejeezus out of John. Well, it wasn’t  _ his  _ fault that he got hyperactive when he was excited! It was almost like this boy had never seen a can before in his life. This was, of course, not true. John had seen many, many, cans. 

“Yesh,” Roxy replied, wobbling around in the boat that John had sent rocking. “The cansh are unescapabable.”

John kept marveling at all the different uses people had come up with for cans. They had taken recycling to a whole new level. Tiny lights glittered and bounced across the shiny metal hung up across the shacks. He stared in wonder at the fairy lights strung up, bouncing off the water and making in look like the whole town was glowing.

John looked over at Roxy, who was, in his eyes, the only thing more radiant and beautiful than the glittering city. The way the lights made her amber skin glow even more than usual, God, it was… It sure was something. John edged a bit closer to her. 

Just a bit further now.

A little more…

And…

Perfect!

A good two inches away from Roxy, John came to a stop and made himself as small as possible. He rubbed his hand along the grain of the gondola.

_ Aw yeah, this is the perfect distance,  _ John thought to himself, incredibly proud of his mastery over seduction.  _ Close enough to show I care, but also far enough so that she isn’t uncomfortable, and she’s got a good few inches to the left if she needs some space, so I’ll just sit here and- _

__ Roxy stretched out and leaned against John.

_ SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN. _

Oh god, it was so awkward that she was sitting right there, and  _ touching him _ . Her hair was so curly and fluffy, it was stupid. John didn’t really even know her that well, would it be considered appropriate to lean back? Or are there special exempt circumstances for going through near death experiences? Oh god, John was freaking out. Oh god. Ohhhhh god. 

John had to do something! But what to do? He had no idea what sort of things to talk about with her, or what she liked. Quick, John, talk to her!

“So, ya like anime?” John’s voice cracked as the question spilled out of his mouth.

_ Jesus Fucking Christ, Egbert. What kind of dumbass moron am I? Seriously, who opens with “ya like anime.”  _ he thought.

“Actually,” Roxy perked up, “I like Boke No Hero…. Boki No Hair Academy….”

“Boku No Hero Academia?”

“Yes! That one, exactly, thank you.” 

“ _ Weeeeeebs. _ ” Dirk called from the front of the gondola.

“Dirk, I’ve seen your body pillow collection. And I know not all the characters displayped are human.” Roxy retorted.

Dirk’s ears stood out from his bleached blonde hair as they turned a violent shade of red and he turned away from them to look at the passing cans.

“So....” John trailed off, still feeling rather awkward. “You guys… live here?”

“Yup,” Jake responded. “Have for a couple of years now. Ever since the whole uprising in Derse thing.”

“Yuuuup….” John was wondering if he could possibly feel more awkward.

BAM! The tiny gondola rammed up against a wooden dock leading to the center of the city. The path lead up to a circular control tower made out of cement, covered in mold and growth, and sinking into the ground.

“Alright everyone, here’s the mayor’s office.” Dirk said. “Now, John, I’ve known you for a grand total of two and a half hours, but I can already tell you’re going to be a ‘problem child.’ So please for the love of god, don’t do anything stupid.”

John winced a little bit at Dirks criticism, but gave him the thumbs up and zipped his lips.

The four kids cranked open a metal door on the side, whose rusting and faded signs were covered by a cheery poster that read  _ Hooray! Mayor’s Here!  _

A short man wearing a gray turban, a purple vest and a slightly shabby, yet endearing, suit sat in dingy swivel-chair at a wooden desk. He too, was a fan of cans. John noticed that he had repurposed a can with a pumpkin on it as a pencil holder, with pink paint covering the label, and bordering the faded pumpkin as if that pumpkin, and only that pumpkin, was special enough to be shielded from the color. 

“Ah, hello, Dirk! Roxy! Jake!” he beamed. As his beady, almost bug like eyes, shifted over to John, his expression fell.

“Boy. You there.”

“Yeah?” John stepped up.

“Are you the boy I was told about?”

John glanced over his shoulder to see Dirk give him an ever so subtle nod. That guy was just so smooth. 

“Yeah, I guess that’s me.”

“Take a seat.”

Uh…” John stepped back, his leg starting to twitch nervously. “I’m good standing. Thanks.”

“TAKE A SEAT!” the Mayor shouted. 

“Okay, okay!” John pulled out a wooden stool from underneath the Mayor’s desk and sat down.

“Now, I understand you were spying on the Baroness, and that is when you met Roxy?”

“Yes.”

“Were you aware that she was there?”

“No.”

“Hmm.” The Mayor stroked his chin thoughtfully. “How did you find Roxy?”

“Well, there was this weird sort of voidy-thing that my friend Equius did, and I guess we turned invisible? But when we did that, I saw Roxy!”

“So… this Equius, he is the only friend of yours that has such abilities? And you are a tiny helpful assistant to this man?”

“Actually-” Dirk interrupted.

“SHOOOOSH!” The Mayor shooshed, shooshingly. “Etiquette!!! Where has etiquette gone in today’s youth?!” he shrieked.

“Now,” he said, settling down. “Let the boy speak.”

“Well….” John pondered the question thoughtfully, despite the fact that he knew the answer immediately. “No.”

“No?”

“Yeah, all of my friends are weird like that, actually. Including me!”

The Mayor, who was at that very moment conveniently taking a delicious, refreshing, sip of Tab, spat his soda all over his desk.

“Oh my goodness gracious!” he exclaimed. “How many friends do you have? Please, please tell me just two.”

“Actually, I think there’s about sixteen kids who I know, not counting Roxy, with weird superpowers.”

“SIXTEEN?”

“Yep.”

The Mayor got up from his desk and started pacing anxiously around the room.

“Sixteen!” he muttered to himself. “And Dirk, this girl had an identification number tatooed on her neck.”

“Yes, I have told you that. Already.” he said.

“Yeah, and I could have told you that more than one kid had superpowers.” Roxy added.

“Aaah! You are interrupting my pacing!”

“Well, old friend,” Jake said, sighed and leaning against the musty concrete wall. “I hate to say it, but it appears the Baroness’ experiments were successful.”

“Oh goodness. Oh goodness. John, get up, right now.”

John, having learned his lesson, didn’t argue. 

The Mayor walked over, hopped up on the stool where John had been sitting, and lifted up his hood. John stood in uncomfortable silence for a couple of minutes before the Mayor was satisfied with his examination.

“Hmmph. So you are not a product of the Baroness. And yet you say you have abilities?” 

“YES!” everyone shouted in unison. 

“This will require further investigation. In the meantime, we must develop a plan to fight against the Baroness! Who knows what kind of ability she now possesses. Perhaps our guest will be able to shed some light on the situation.”

“Dude, I’ve never actually seen the Baroness in person. Or even a picture, for that matter. I can’t help you.” John pointed out.

“Not you!” the Mayor said. “Our other guest!”

John stood facing the Mayor, confused. 

Suddenly, the room was filled with a flash of green light and the smell of ozone.

The hairs on the back of John’s neck stood up.

“Oh look!” the Mayor exclaimed. “He is already here!”

Slowly, John turned around.

Behind him was the scarred, sneering face of Jack Noir.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (the pacing comment is a play on words)


	24. JOHN: STRIFE?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> me: stagger your release dates so you have time to write more 
> 
> also me: R E L E A S E C O N T E N T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> emetophobia content warning this chapter!
> 
> also don't forget to go harass some mother fucking senators about net neturality if you wanna get more of my sweet, sweet, content for the low low price of 0 dollars

**JOHN: STRIFE?**

John slammed Noir against the concrete wall with such vigor that the filing cabinets around him rattled uneasily.

“Everyone else get out!” he shouted. “I’ll handle this asshole!”

“John…” Roxy said, approaching him tentatively. “Jack is our guest.”

John broke his concentration to glance at Roxy, his hands gripping tighter around Jack’s collarbone. He turned back to Jack and gave him a deathly stare over the rim of his glasses before dropping the acrimonious amputee to the floor. It was a deeply unsettling feeling for the other kids to watch the lighthearted boy who they had met turn iron.

“If you try anything, you fucking bastard-”

“You’ll what? Kill me?” Jack finished, grinning at the him. 

John stood in silence. 

_ Maybe. _

John shoved that thought down to engage with the Mayor.

“Why the hell is he here?”

“So glad you asked!” The Mayor replied. “Jack is the leader of the Midnight Crew, a dear friend of ours, and he claims to know something about why there are si-”

The Mayor choked on his words, hacking and wheezing dramatically, before composing himself with a sweeping gesture.

“- _ sixteen  _ god-children running rampant in our good state.”

“You betcha.” Jack said, drawing a cigarette from his pocket and pressing it between his fingers. The cigarette smoldered green, before Jack flipped in between his index and middle finger and it’s embers shifted to a familiar red. Jack took a dragged on it, savoring the taste, and blew the smoke in John’s face.

“You know, I really oughta thank you.” He said. “Only got one hand now, but it doubles as a nifty lil’ lighter.”

“You say that like I took a knife to it,” John muttered through gritted teeth.

“Hmm, yes, well, no matter now!” the Mayor said. “Please do elaborate, Jack.”

With a grunt, Jack sat in a torn up swivel chair and kicked his feet up onto the Mayor’s desk, much to the tightly-wound man’s dismay.

“Couple’a things you should know,” he started. “I may not have been… entirely honest with ya about my know-how of the Baroness’s plans. And the whole super shtick, for that matter.”

The Mayor made a weird huffing noise when he heard this, but let Jack continue.

“See, we ain’t the only ones with a horse in this race, Mr. Mayor. Some fellow called Harley, runs Skaianet- sure you’ve heard of it- caught a whiff of what Her Royal Hardass was up to, way before you or I did. Matter of fact, if Droogs is right, these kids-” he jerked his head towards Dirk, Jake, and Roxy, “- Weren’t originally the Condesce’s. They were taken from Skaianet. It was an admirable thing ya did, taking them under your wing, but you didn’t keep em further away from Condy, you kept em closer. Gotta admit though, took balls for you to keep these brats hidden for ten years.”

“Hey!” Jake protested.

“Ay, shaddup. Now, where was I,” Jack said, taking out a knife and playing with it absentmindedly. “Yeah, these kids weren’t Condys. Now, unlike Condy, Harley took his fuckin time before trying again. Would’a been one helluva mistake if it weren’t for me.”

“You?” John said incredulously. 

“Yep.” Jack smiled, his teeth glimmering like a sharks. “Your’s Truly broke those poor sons of bitches out of Condy’s twisted fucking experiments, ‘cept unlike your dumb ass,” he gestured to the Mayor, “I got the right damn kids.”

“You- you WHAT?” the Mayor shouted, becoming further agitated by the second. “And you didn’t think to tell me that the Condesce’s experiments were not only a success, but that they were  _ still alive? _ ”

“Kids asked me not to,” Jack shrugged. “I keep my word.”

“Oh dear. Oh dear.” The Mayor rubbed his temple. “Jake, would you please bring me Sir Squishy?”

Jake reached into one of the file cabinets and pulled out a yellow stress toy. 

“Sir Squishy, for Mr. Mayor,” he said, kneeling and presenting it to the Mayor.

“Thank you, thank you.” The Mayor took the stress toy and started squishing it aggressively. 

“So, anyway.” Jack continued. “I… may or may not have broken into Harley’s lab and used his machine on myself.”

The Mayor gave Sir Squishy an impressively violent squeeze.

“You used his machine on yourself.”

“Yeah. And if Windbag over here didn’t give it away already, he and his friends weren’t too happy about it.”

John, despite the knowledge that Jack was a guest and therefore off limits for combat, kicked him in the shins underneath the Mayor’s desk.

The Mayor buried his head in his hands. “You do realize that if the Condesce finds out, and that is most likely what will happen, she will proceed to  _ also  _ use the machine on herself, and engage her plans to take! Best case scenario, the whole city, worst case scenario,  _ the entire universe! _ ”

“Oh, Mr. Mayor,” Jake comforted. “Don’t give up hope! You still have us!” He beamed a toothy grin at the forlorn Mayor.

The Mayor perked up, rejuvenated by the ever-positive Jake. 

“You are right!” he exclaimed. “I will not give up hope!”

He continued to ramble, his hands getting more excited and fidgety as he went. “Times are desperate. Yes sir, they are desperate. That mean awful witch has the technology to make herself an actual mean awful witch! But, we are not defenseless! We can fight back against the Baroness! We can fight back against Derse! She is not the only one with access to supernatural abilities! We must all work together to topple this wretched queen and restore balance to our fair state! If all of the heroes created thus far unite, we can fight back and take her down!”

“What a fucking sap.” Jack grunted. “Well, that’s my cue.”

“Hold on!” said the Mayor, grabbing Jack by his arm stub. “You are a hero too, are you not? We should unite!”

“ _ WHAT?!”  _ John and Jack exclaimed at the same time.

“Yes! We will team up and take the Baroness down! I have said this many times now, pay attention.” The Mayor explained with the patience of someone telling a five-year-old where the sun goes at night.

“Are you insane? He tried to kill me!” John said.

“Listen, that’s nice, but I ain’t cut out for the hero business,” Jack said, sweating and smiling awkwardly at the Mayor.

“And ya know, if it makes you feel any better, I blew the lab up. So, she probably won’t be able to use it.” Jack added, tugging away from the Mayor’s grip.

“Only to try and kill us!” John exclaimed. 

“But,” said Jack Noir, pointing emphatically with his knife, “I didn’t.”

“You killed Aradia! I don’t care that she was from a different timeline, she didn’t deserve to die, and you killed her.”

“Yeah, well your brat of a cousin killed a friend of mine. Consider it even.”

_ Wait. _

“That guy who came into our house…” A sour taste crept up on John’s tongue. “... He’s dead?”

“Yeah, that’s what happens when you crack open someone’s skull and pump them full of bullets, Einstein. I should fucking know, it’s kinda my job.”

John felt a sharp sickly pang in his stomach. His intestines felt like a centrifuge. 

“Gotta admit,” continued Jack. “I was pretty fucking disappointed that a couple o’ kids killed one of my best f- agents. But I gotta give credit where credit’s goddamn due. You guys are definitely badasses.”

“Badasses...”

John thought about how much blunt force trauma a hammer could do to the head. John thought about how he never bothered to check the body. John thought about how he didn’t call the paramedics. John thought about how the guy would have probably died from his blows anyway and now Jade was complicit in his crime. John thought about how he didn’t hesitate to attack Jack Noir. John thought about what Boxcar’s body looked like now. John thought about what his would look like next to it.

 

John unceremoniously threw up in the Mayor’s paper bin. 

 

“Woah, dude!” Roxy straightened up. “Are you okay?”

Unable to respond, John kept coughing and crying into the basket. 

_ Great, now she probably hates me. She definitely hates me. I killed somebody and now I’ve got barf and tears and snot all over my face. Wow, and I fucking said that like my ugly fucking face was the worst thing. Guess I’m an even worse person than I thought! _

“Sir, do you need a tissue?” The Mayor bent down, offering John a crinkled Kleenex. It was a kind gesture. Too kind, John thought, for him.

He took it anyway. No use in walking around with all this crud on his face.

John sniffled and leaned up, wiping his face off and throwing the tissue in the trash. 

“Jack, I’m sorry. If you want to work with us, that’s okay by me.”

Jack laughed incredulously. “ _ You’re  _ sorry? What the hell are you saying sorry for?”

“For…” John hung his head and tried not to feel sick again. “For killing your friend. I didn’t mean to, but, I did, and I know that I can’t bring him back by saying sorry, but… It’s the least I can do.”

“He’s not my- look, kid, stop crying! God, I hate it when people cry. I’m not angry at you. I did a little stabbin’, got it out of my system. I run a gang, yeah? Shit happens. People die. And besides, I was the guy who sent him over. I meant for him to rustle ya up, get you kids scared enough to spill what you knew, maybe use you for some blackmail, but, hey, he bit off more than he could chew. S’not like you killed him just to screw with me or anything. I, uh, I’m sure ya had a good reason.”

John wiped his eyes and held himself a little taller. His stomach stopped swirling around as much, and he still felt horribly guilty, but Jack’s forgiveness, if rather unconventional, did lift a weight off John’s shoulders. 

“So… You are going to be a hero?” The Mayor inquired.

Jack grumbled. “You lot are still fucking saps, I dunno if I want to.”

“Jack!” he exclaimed. “Don’t you remember who you used to be?” The Mayor rolled up the sleeve of his suit to reveal a tattoo on his inner wrist, marking him as a former member of Derse. 

He reached over to roll up Jack’s sleeve as well. Jack Noir tried to yank his hand away, but it was too little too late. His tattoo was revealed for all to see. Not only that, but a small, raggedy, rope bracelet dangled from his wrist.

“After all this time?” The Mayor said, his eyes welling up with emotion.

“Shut up!” Jack barked. “It- It was too damn hard to get your Girl Scout bracelet off! My damn knifes were dull, and-”

“Oh, Jack!” the Mayor said, leaping from his desk and hug-tackling Jack. John cracked a tiny grin. It was like watching an over-enthusiastic poodle cuddle up to a doberman. “So you’ll help?”

Jack sighed. 

“Fine.”

“Hooray for friendship! As mayor of Can Town, I legally mandate hugs for everyone!” The Mayor declared.

Jake snatched up Dirk with a monster of a bear hug, and Roxy tackled John, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“Hug pile!” she shouted.

“Wait wait wait wai- OOF!” said John, before being cut off by Jake diving on top of him wrestler-style with Dirk in tow. Before John could say anything else, the Mayor pushed Jack into the hug pile and laid down on top.

“This is. The literal worst.” Dirk grumbled.

“You and me both, pal.” said Jack. “You and me both.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> redemption arc?
> 
> i had actually planned a redeption arc for jack when i originally conceptiualized this story, but this certainly isn't how i imagined it playing out.
> 
> and finally, don't forget to comment to vote on what you want my next fanfic to be!


	25. JANE: WAKE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alternate title
> 
> everyone: have mental breakdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by god i WILL finish this fanfic no matter how long it takes

**JANE: WAKE.**

 

Jane woke up sprawled amidst several spilled bottles of vodka on the linoleum tiling of the kitchen bar. It was a position often occupied, although not by Jane. She mumbled incoherently to herself, confused, frustrated, and with a raging headache. Gently, as not to make the pounding in her skull even worse, Jane teetered her head to the left. There, some…. girl…. lay conked out, drool running down her face.

Jeez, this was most certainly a new position for Jane. What happened? Where was she? The girl’s name was… Terezi?

Suddenly, Terezi’s eyes flew open, and she jolted upward.

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” She screamed.

“Ah!” Jane yelped. “Please…. Quiet…” She mumbled, stumbling through her words.

“No! Fuck that! Fuck you!” Terezi yelled. “My senses have just been assaulted, and as someone who  _ sees with their fucking nose _ , I can guarantee you that whatever you are feeling right now is sad and pathetic compared my acid-stained nostrils!”

Jane shakily stood up, and tried to stumble away from Terezi, who was being very rude. And loud. And loudly rude. 

A tall girl with a mess of hair- Jade, Jane thought was her name- flopped off a sofa with two boys tumbling down after her. Dave, his shades askew, lifted up his finger and lazily pointed it at Terezi.

“You’re….” he drawled, savoring the word. “Karkat!” 

“I’m not Karkat, you fuckwit!” Terezi shouted, sending another sharp spike of pain through Jane’s head. “That’s Karkat! He’s on top of you!”

“You. Are. Karkat.” Dave insisted.

“No I am not! Did that gas damage your brain or something? Or maybe, you were so  _ cool  _ that instead, you decided to become permanently blinded?”

“Howzat cool?” Jane slurred.

“Because, he would be emulating me, the coolest kid to ever exist. Duh.” Terezi spat.

“Emulate…” Dave rolled the word around in his mouth like a delicious pastry. “Emulate!”

“What the fuck are you going on about now?” Terezi sneered.

“I think,” Jade said, rubbing her eyes from underneath her glasses, “He’s saying you’re acting, you know, well, like Karkat.”

Terezi looked furious. “Should’ve known that.” she muttered. “Obvious. Stupid. Should’ve known that.”

After a minute of further mumbling and contemplation, she decisively stood up. 

“All right, naptime’s over,  _ everyone up! _ ”

Terezi strode out of the kitchen and immediately tripped on a pillow.

“Fuck!” she shrieked from the floor. “I can’t see!”

“What else is new,” Dave mumbled.

“I mean I can’t tell where I’m going, you blockhead!” Terezi slammed her head on the carpet in frustration. 

From the other end of the room, Jane heard a deep “I’m up!” She looked over and saw a muscular guy in a tank top spring out of his seat before shakily sitting back down.

Karkat, the meat in the sandwich between Dave and Jade, started stirring and blinked open his eyes. 

“Wuzzgoingon?”

“Wow, Karkat, I think that’s the softest thing I’ve ever heard you speak.” Terezi said bitingly.

“You shut your…. Stupid…. Face! Stupid!” Karkat said. 

“Eloquent as ever, Karkles.” Terezi laid her face back onto the floor.

One by one, the others started to wake up, dazed, confused, and disoriented. Jane was finally starting to feel her head clear. If she was honest, she felt kind of sorry for the people who woke up later, as they seemed to be more affected by whatever they had inhaled. 

The last up was Aradia, who bolted up in a cold sweat and immediately attempted to attack Feferi by psychically slamming her into the bronze vacuum cleaner.

“Owwwwww!” she whined. “Aradia, what the hell?”

“Shut up, you bitch!” Aradia barked, a crazed look in her eyes. “What do you have planned, huh? You- You’re taking us all! Again! I’ll die first! And I’ll bring you with me!” 

Aradia raised her hand, dragging Feferi up a garishly-decorated wall while she helplessly clawed at an red force choking her windpipe. 

Jane froze, too stunned to do anything but stare at the unflattering wizard paintings dropping to the floor as Feferi gasped for air.

“Aradia, STOP!” Karkat shouted, stepping in front of her. 

“Don’t worry Karkat, I’ve got the Baroness!” She chuckled, a terrifying glint in her eyes. 

“That’s not the Baroness, that’s Feferi!” Karkat explained. “And you’re not trapped by her, you’re at a friend’s house. ”

Aradia looked around, taking in her surroundings, and slowly loosened her grip on Feferi, who collapsed onto the floor.

“Fuck!” she said. Her head in her hands. “I’m so sorry Feferi- I- I was having a nightmare, and I woke up, and I forgot where I was, and I wasn’t looking too closely...and I guess I just-”

“It’s fine,” Feferi wheezed.

“Okay, what the hell was that?” Jane interjected. By golly, she had just about had enough! Superheroes were one thing, but she just saw a girl try to kill her friend!

Aradia started choking up a bit. 

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay, Aradia. Everyone was really disoriented when they first woke up.” Karkat said, giving her a hug.

He turned around to face Jade, Dave, Rose, and Jane, who were all staring in a mixture of fear, pity, and confusion. He grimaced and hung his head low.

“Okay, full disclosure,” he said, gesturing with his hands, “The Condesce was doing experiments way before any of this superhero bullshit went down. Fact of the matter is, they were so awful, I don’t think even your grandpa wanted to try to replicate them. Aradia, Sollux, Tavros, Vriska, and Gamzee were all part of her fucked up science projects. The first ones, anyways. She, uh, she kept them to use as part of the actual superhero bullshit. I- fuck, I should have known something was up when Gamzee stopped coming over to visit-” 

Karkat started getting choked up, trying to bite back his tears. 

“But, Feferi asked me over and I guess I wasn’t thinking about it and-” Karkat broke off, his words becoming completely unintelligible. 

“Karkat, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know she was going to experiment on everyone else, not for sure, anyway…” Feferi said, having regained her breath. She wiped tears from her eyes and shuffled over to where Aradia and Karkat here huddled. “I should have guessed, it was so naive of me to think she would have changed! ‘Feferi, darling, why don’t you bring all your little friends over for dinner!’”

Feferi scoffed. “Like that was anything other than a way for her to prey on everyone she hadn’t already snatched up! It’s my fault, Karkat, not yours! Aradia, you were right to attack me. I am a bitch, and it’s my fault that you had to go through everything you did.”

The three of them huddled together and broke down in tears. Equius sat quietly in his chair, looking vacantly off into the distance with a pained expression on his face, Kanaya squeezed Rose’s hand, and Terezi curled into a ball and covered her ears. It didn’t seem to be out of malice or bitterness, but rather a genuine act of discomfort.  

Dave, of all people, was the one to break the tension. He walked over to the crying group and crouched down. 

“Hey, mind if I hang out here?” he said.

“Yes, you asshole, we’re having a moment here.” Karkat said between sniffles. But he scooted out and took his hand off Feferi to wrap it around Dave.

“Thanks. I know how it feels, yeah? The guilt, the fear, the asking yourself, ‘did I do something wrong?’ But listen, guys, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not your fucking fault, okay? I mean, Christ, this lady sounds like a monster. Who the fuck kidnaps little kids, and then uses their own daughter to lure more in to experiment on? That is actual, honest-to-god child abuse in at least eight degrees there, trust me.”

“But-”

“No buts, Feferi.” Dave said, giving her a shoulder a gentle bump with his fist. “You guys said that the second experiment thing happened four years ago, give or take? So if this is before that, you guys would have been like, ten. Seriously, you can’t blame a ten year old for something like that, especially since your mom was the one pulling all the strings. Like, ten-year-olds don’t know shit about fuck. There’s a lot of messed up bullshit I thought was okay when I was ten. You can’t blame yourself.”

All four of them lowered their heads soberly, before Dave gave them a hug, stood up and walked back over to where the rest of the kids were. Jane could have sworn she saw him wipe tears from underneath his sunglasses, but he sat down on the sofa before she could be sure.

“Wow, Dave. That was… really nice of you.” Rose said. 

“Yeah, he’s really just a big softie.” Jade teased lovingly.

“Guys, he just gave us a pep talk and a hug.” Aradia said, wiping snot off her face.

“He is showing his soft side.” Karkat added, cracks in both his angry persona and his voice. “It’s- It’s nice.”

“Oh, look who’s being soft now,” Dave jested.

Jane couldn’t help but feel awkward. Here were all these people with a history, who knew each other and could bond with each other, and she was trying to fit in without any friends to fall back on.

Wait.

 

“Uh, guys? Where’s Roxy?”

The warm demeanor in the room shattered.

“Shit!” Karkat swore, returning to familiar territory. “Fuck, where is she? Does anyone even remember what happened?”

Everyone shook their heads.

“Dammit, dammit, dammit!” Karkat bolted across the room and up the stairs, his feet making panicky, chaotic thuds as he skidded around the hallway. 

Jane heard a door slam shut followed by a muffled “FUCK!” before Karkat returned.

“Roxy is not. Fucking. Here.” He said through gritted teeth. “And neither is John.”

He whipped around to stare Jane straight in the eyes, utterly enraged, but without any of his previous comedic value. 

“You think this is a coincidence?” He hissed, gesturing to the broken window and the empty gas canisters. “That you and your little buddy show up here and and not an hour later she goes missing and takes one of our most adept team members with her? Not a chance. Not a fucking chance.”

Jane took a breath in and straightened herself up. “Listen, I don’t know who you  _ think you are _ ,” she said, “But I trust Roxy more than every one of you jokesters put together. I had nothing to do with this, and I’m sure she didn’t either! You’d know that if you took a minute to do things logically around here! Like you said, I’ve only been here an hour, and two people have almost died! I’m sure if you just called the police, they-”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Karkat yelled. “Did you not listen to a single word I’ve fucking said? We-” He waved his hands wildly around the room. “-are superhuman crimes against nature that I’m sure the U.S. military would love to get their hands on, and barring the fact the we’ve gots a fucking mafia boss on our tails trying to capture us so she can become what should frankly be considered a god, half the people in this room are considered  _ legally dead. _ ”

“Then register yourself as legally alive!” Jane snapped. “I don’t care! All of this superhero, superpower, crime syndicate nonsense, it’s all bullshit! There’s a proper way to do things and it’s like you actively try to ignore that. I, for one, am done trying to play detective. It was immature of me, anyway. I’m going to the police department to register a missing persons report for my father.”

“Oh yeah, that’ll work out just great.” Karkat said, leering at her as she stepped around the broken glass on the floor. “What are you gonna do about the fact that you’re one of us freaks? Are you just gonna ignore it? Just forget about the fact that you can heal people with your bare fucking hands, huh? Go back to your normal life? Sure is great you’ve got that option!”

“Jane, seriously, what the hell are you doing?” Terezi said with a hint more compassion in her voice. “You can’t just leave, you’ll get us all killed. I’d say you know too much for me to let you live, but you kind of  _ are _ the ‘too much.’ And Roxy’s part of this too, she trusts you as much as you trust her. She really wants to be able to share this part of her life with you, and she’d be broken-hearted if you left.”

“How would you know that, huh?” Jane said, folding her arms and setting her jaw.

“It’s my  _ thing _ , Jane.” she said. “Knowing reactions to certain events. Reading people. Scenarios. Possibilities. Jegus!”

“Oh really?” Jane said, getting worked up over the audacity of her claims. “What am I gonna say next?”

Terezi sighed loudly and started stumbling her way over to Jane. “It doesn’t work like that! I don’t know for sure, but probably some sort of skeptical and dismissive exclamation.”

“Anyone could have guessed that!” Jane exclaimed, trying to ignore Karkat and Dave’s snickering.

“But was I wrong?” Terezi said, finally reaching the door and posing seductively against the doorframe.

“No, but that doesn’t change the fact that you guys are a mess, and even if I do have these weird… powers, listening to you isn’t going to get me anywhere.” Jane stuttered.

“You aren’t curious? Not even a teensy-weensy little bit? You don’t have a repressed desire to ask every question you can about your weird glowy hands and the potential applications they have? Absolutely no part of you wants to partake in a fantastical insurgency against a corrupt crime boss? There isn’t a part of you that’s just  _ itching  _ to lose this stuffy attitude and plunge headfirst into all these complicated mysteries?”

Jane felt her insides go hot and blushed a furious red.

“No! Shut up!” She yelled, running out the door and through the driveway.

“Fuck!” Terezi swore.

“What are you worried about? She’ll probably come running back in five minutes when she heals a dead squirrel or something by accident.” Karkat said.

Terezi ignored him and ran out the door after Jane.

“Jane! Jane! Stop it! Come back!” she said.

“I can’t hear you!” Jane shouted, covering her ears and running faster. “I’m too busy listening to logic and reason!”

“Arrgh!!! You’re using outdated logic because you can’t accept the fact that your worldview is wrong!” 

“LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!” Jane yelled, turning on to the small road leading out of the forest.

“Are you arguing with me because it’s easier to dismiss me than someone who can throw people across rooms or turn invisible? Or is it because deep down you know that I’m the best logician and you secretly want to be proven wrong?”

“SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!” Jane screamed, crossing onto a small intersection and through a ditch.

“Jegus, you’re even more immature than John! And here I thought I’d finally have someone on my level!” Terezi shouted, grinning at Jane.

“Stop saying Jegus!” Jane said, looking over her shoulder and slowing from a sprint to a jog. “It’s stupid!”

“ _JEGUSJEGUSJEGUSJEGUS!_ ” Terezi shrieked as she seized the opportunity to gain on Jane.

Jane sprinted away and onto a street that went through a small town and was just a bit too busy for comfort. A small van skidded out of her way, tires screeching and the owner shaking her fist. Across the horizon, Jane could see the peaks of the New York City skyline. She was almost to civilization! She just had to find the police station and-

“Gotcha!” Terezi tackled Jane to the ground. 

“Get off of me!” Jane shrieked frantically. A few people came out of the scrappy mom-and-pop shops to see what what going on.

“Keep it down!” Terezi hissed into Jane’s ear. “We can’t draw attention to ourselves, okay?”

“Help!!! Someone help!!!! There’s a crazy blind girl attacking me!”

More and more people started crowding around them. 

“Can you just come with me and we can settle this in the forest where nobody’s around to snitch to Condy?” Terezi said, pinning Jane’s arms behind her back.

“No! Get off of me!” Jane yelled, thrashing around under Terezi’s grip.

“Jane, seriously,” Terezi whispered, genuine concern creeping into her voice. “We really need to leave. I won’t even force you to join or be a superhero or anything, we just have to lay low and leave  _ now. _ ”

Before Jane could respond, a well dressed man in a suit parted the crowd, flashed some sort of identification, and stepped towards Jane and Terezi.

“Oh boy, now you’ve done it.” Terezi muttered. 

“Hush!” Jane whispered back.

The man turned around and flashed a wide grin at the small gathering of people watching.

“Nothing to see here, folks!” he said. “Just a couple of runaways. I’ll get them back to their parents soon and make sure they’re safe and sound.” The small crowd dispersed and settled back into their shops.

He turned back around to face Jane and Terezi. Terezi’s eyes widened from underneath her glasses and she inhaled sharply.

“Jane. Leave now.” she whispered.

Leaping upwards, Terezi released Jane’s arms and started to run away. A pale hand snagged the collar of her shirt and yanked her backwards.

“Not so fast, young lady.” The man chastised. “We have to find your parents.”

“Let go of me or you’ll regret being born with extremities!” Terezi snapped.

Jane stood up, dusted herself off, and smiled. “Not so fun being held down, is it?” she said.

“Jane, you can still make it! Run!” Terezi said, struggling against her captor.

Ignoring her, Jane turned to face the man in the suit.

“Thank you so much,” she said. “Now, she’s a bit unstable, but we both could really use your help, so if you could just-”

Jane was cut off by a rag of chloroform being shoved into her mouth. Her limbs started to feel heavy and she collapsed to the ground. 

_ Damn my stubborn pride,  _ she thought. Jane closed her eyelids, and everything vanished.


	26. ROXY: GO BACK TO ROSE’S HOUSE.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! my computer is breaking down right now and I need to replace it, so I’m taking writing commissions! They’re $1 for every 100 words, and you can email me at enthusiasticbiologist@gmail.com if you’d like one. or message me here!
> 
> thank you so much for your continued support. and, if the end of this chapter doesn’t tip you off, I very much intend on bringing this story to a close.

**ROXY: GO BACK TO ROSE’S HOUSE.**

  
In retrospect, it may not have been a good idea to shove Roxy’s new friend his attempted killer into the backseat for a long car ride together.

“So…..” Roxy said, trying to break the awkward silence in the car. “How about-”

“Roxy,” John cut her off, a defeated tone to his voice. “I know you’re just trying to help. But I really don’t want to talk right now.”

“Oh, okay.”

The three sat in silence for the rest of the ride.

“Look! We’re here!” Roxy pointed out, trying to brighten the mood.

John perked up a bit, opening the door and stretching out in the bright light. The rest of them piled out soon afterward.

When she went to open the door, however, Karkat nearly clawed out Roxy’s throat.

“Where the FUCK have you been?”

“Uh, long story, my buddies Dirk and Jake over here-” the two nodded at their respective names, “-kind of thought you kidnapped me, so they kidnapped me back. John escaped their knockout gas, and then they were all like ‘Whoops! Not derseite agents!’ but also we had to go to the Mayor because, well… we didn’t really know you guys were the Condesce’s original experiments.”

The living room suddenly became deadly quiet.

“How did you know that?” Aradia pushed.

Roxy gestured to the back of her neck.

“The tattoos,” she said. “The Mayor told us about how the Condesce tattooed her own kids. He took us in to protect us from her. He originally thought we were her first experiments, and thought the tattoos were something she thought of later. Guess not, though, if’s Jack’s word is anything to go on.”

“Jack…?” Karkat said, a tentative fear to his voice.

Jack Noir stepped into the living room, as if he was simply waiting for the most dramatic opportunity, which, knowing Jack, was a distinct possibility.

Jade, Dave, and Rose, immediately snapped into action. Karkat managed to restrain the latter two, but Jade teleported directly in front of Jack and decked him in the face.

“What the hell, dude?” Karkat barked.

“No, it’s fine,” Jack said, rubbing his cheek. “I probably deserved that.”

Jade bared her teeth and punched him to the floor.

“Probably deserved that too,” Jack wheezed.

“You’ve got a lot of nerve showing your face here, buddy!” she shouted.

“Jade, stop it!” Roxy stepped in front of Jack. “He’s on our side! Jack agreed to help us fight the Condesce, who is, ya know, the real enemy here!”

Growling, Jade stepped back and gave Jack a biting look before retreating back to her position in the living room next to Dave and Rose.

“S’ true,” he said. “Heard about the old man’s experiments, wanted in on that. Now that I’m part of… whatever the hell this is, I don’t care about fighting you no more.”

Unforgiving as ever, Rose folded her arms and sneered.

“Karkat, back me up here,” Jack said, gesturing with his bad arm. “These guys know me. I helped ya out with Condy before, I’ll do it again.”

Sighing bitterly, Karkat hid his eyes from the others. “Yeah, he’s a decent guy, besides being power-hungry as shit. He helped all of us escape from Condy and agreed to bribe or threaten any officials who started sticking their noses where they didn’t belong.”

“Thank you! I was only fightin’ ya before cause of business matters. Nothin’ personal.”

“Eat my entire fucking ass, Slick.”

“May I remind everyone that we are getting very off topic?” Kanaya said. “It’s been almost two hours, and Terezi still hasn’t come back, with or without Jane.”

Karkat turned to Roxy, an angry eyebrow shooting up the right side of his face.

“You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”

Roxy and Jake looked at eachother and shrugged.

“Beats me,” she said.

“Hey man, Jane can do what she wants.” Dirk said.

“Yeah, even if she’s going to the police to drag the cops into this mess?”

Dirk winced. “Okay, maybe we should go look for Jane.”

 

* * *

  
“Jaaaaaaney!”

“Terezi? Terezi, are you there?”

Everyone in the house left to sweep the surrounding woods for the two missing girls. All together, they formed a rather impressive search party, especially after Karkat summoned Sollux, Nepeta, Vriska, Gamzee, and Eridan to help out. Roxy still wasn’t sure how Karkat managed to sway the sullen, relentlessly argumentative Eridan or the eternally stoned Gamzee to do anything. She supposed it was just sheer force of will.

“Terezi? Terezi, we’re serious, don’t hide just to screw with me.” John called out.

He and Roxy were searching on the leftmost end of the line of kids sifting the forest for any sign of Terezi or Jane.

“Hey, I’m sure she’s not hiding just to mess with ya!” Roxy said, giving John an encouraging smile and a gentle shoulder punch.

John frowned. “That’s supposed to make me feel better?” He fidgeted with his hood, staring off vacantly. “I mean, seriously, what’s the alternative? She’s dead? Kidnapped? Switched sides? In police custody?”

“Fair.” Roxy kicked at a pebble in a patch of sunlight. “Wherever she is, though, Jane’s with her. She seems pretty kickass, and Janey’s tough as nails. That’s gotta mean something.”

“I guess you’re right. It would be worse to be alone.”  
  
The two walked in silence for a bit after that, occasionally stopping to call out for Jane or Terezi. As the minutes passed, however, they knew the likelihood that their friends were just lost in the woods was slimmer and slimmer.

Roxy mulled over the past day. It was so weird, knowing there were dozens of other kids like her. Her old friend Jack had tried tried to kill half of them and saved the others. Jane, who was the one “normal” person Roxy knew, turned out to be just like her! And to top it all off, the guy who dragged her into this whole mess was actually pretty cute…

Sighing, John flopped over into a sunny patch of grass, the afternoon sun casting patterns through the treetops on his face.

“They aren’t here. Do you… do you think the Condesce got them?”

Roxy didn’t have to say anything. She sat next to John and picked at the grass.

“Yeah.” John laid his head down, took a deep breath in, and slowly let it out as he closed his eyes. Roxy had to admire how pleasant the golden color of his skin was in the sunlight. “She’s probably going to come for us next, huh?”

“Dude, this is so crazy.” Roxy said, her head thudding to the ground next to John’s. “I mean, we could die. Like, just stop existing! Cause of all this weird bullshit!”

“Gah!” John squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed them, displacing his glasses as he rubbed out the dark circles under his eyes. “Man, there’s so much I wanna do in life, and I might miss out on all that cause some weird mobster lady who I’ve never even met wants me dead!”

Roxy nodded solemnly, her curls bobbing in the air. “We couldn’t leave the country, on account of not having any legal papers. I always wanted to go to like, Japan, or Canada or something.”

John let out a chuckle. “Well, one of those things is a hell of a lot more doable than the other.”

“Yeah,” Roxy said. “It’d be alot easier for Jade to teleport us to Japan!”

“Oh my god, I never thought about that!” John smacked his head. “And, I mean, I can fly! Jesus, I’m a doofus.”

“Damn straight,” Roxy said, nudging him playfully.

“All right, all right, look,” John said, running his hands through his hair. “If we get out of this alive, by god, I’m gonna fly you over the Canadian border myself. I don’t care how, I’ll strap you into a bungee jump and wrap the cord around my waist if I have to!”

“Awwwwwww,” Roxy lilted. “Soooo sweeeet!!!!!”

“Yeah, yeah.” John rolled his eyes.

“What about you?” Roxy asked.

“I dunno, I figured I’d have time to work it out. I kinda always wanted to go to NASA, that would be so freakin sweet. Or, like, do stand up comedy in New York. The city, I mean, I already live here. But you guys have to be there! All my friends, I’d want you there, otherwise it wouldn’t be as great.”

John paused to think. “I mean, I also kinda wanna go to college. Not just for the education, but also for the experience, you know?”

“The experience, huh?” Roxy smirked, blushing lightly.

“Oh, come on!” John gave her a shove, grinning ear to ear.

“Have you kissed anyone before?”  
“What?” John said.

“Have. You. Kissed. Anyone?”

“Oh.” John started to blush, and Roxy’s heart raced. Holy shit, was he into her? She felt her own face grown a bit hot. Goddammit, he was cute!

“No…” He finished reluctantly.

“Huh.” Roxy said. The world was really missing out on those luscious Egbert lips? And to think, it might miss out on them forever.

 

Fuck it.

Roxy rolled over and kissed John.


	27. JOHN: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happy 413 bitches endgame starts in two chapters

**JOHN: WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!**

To be entirely honest, John didn’t realize what was going on until Roxy was directly on top of him.

For just a split second, he was swept up in the moment. Everything suddenly felt so much more real. The heat, the blood pumping through his veins, Roxy’s lips against his. It felt like flying, from the exhilaration to the pleasant tickle in his sternum.

Somehow, his brain began functioning again, and everything crashed back down.

He pushed Roxy off him, gasping for air.

“What the hell just happened?!” he said.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” Roxy panicked. “I go really fast and I was misreading all these signals-”

“No!!!! It’s not that!”

John’s head was swirling furiously. His thoughts ran by him too fast to even considered being processed. Damn thoughts and their damn speediness! Everything was just happening so much. And it didn’t stop.

Okay, okay, he had to slow down and try to pick something out from the rowdy fuckers in his head.

_He was… okay, he was happy that he kissed Roxy… but was sad because… because…… He’d come back to that one later. Kissing Roxy felt good… he felt confused. Why did she do that? He was gross. And he felt like he was a bad person and didn’t deserve that. Also blown away. And scared. And wow!!!! And tired, but why? Definitely weird. And warm and fuzzy and wanted to do that again. And what if I get syphilis or something? And that’s not how you get syphilis, dumbass. And really, really, really fucking horny - WAIT NO NO SHUT UP!!!! NO!!!!!!!_

  
“John, dude, are you crying?” Roxy asked.

  
“No!!!!” John said, crying.

  
“Christ, I’m so fucking sorry.” Roxy said, burying her head in her hands. “I’m always just whippin my goddamn dick out at the worst times.”

  
“Roxy, don’t beat yourself up!” John said, crying and hiccuping furiously.

  
_Tell her you enjoyed the kiss, dumbass!_

  
“I- really-” John broke off, more tears streaming down his face.

  
_Why am I crying??? Stop! Stop it! Hey! Hey!_

  
“I’m so so so so so so so sorry dude I didn’t realize!!! We can totally just be friends! I thought I was gonna be a super romanticy sweep you off your feet for your first kiss kinda lady cause I didn’t want you to die without havin’ a kiss!!!”

  
John kept crying and trying to form the words with his mouth, but he felt like he was trapped inside his own head.

Betrayed by his own fucking brain! There was no reason for him to be sad, so why was he crying?

  
_It_ was _super romantic and totally awesome and it swept me off my feet! God fucking dammit, I’m trying to tell her I like her! She’s upset now! I’m upsetting her!_

  
Thinking about how much he was upsetting Roxy, John started to cry even harder.

  
_Wait no, dammit, dammit, dammit! I’m making everything worse!!! I have to stop crying or I’ll make Roxy even sadder and then I’ll start crying even harder and-_

  
Trapped in a vicious cry cycle, John fell over and started wailing into the grass.

  
“No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll leave you alone, I swear!” Roxy said, starting to tear up.

  
The two of them lay sobbing, horny, and confused in the dirt.

  
“Okay, what the fuck is going on over there?” A voice called out.

  
John heard thick, heavy, padding that got louder and louder. Karkat, for the first time ever, towered over John.

  
“Jesus fucking Christ on bike,” Karkat said, his face contorting. “What the fuck happened here?”

  
Roxy looked up at him pathetically from the dirt, snot running down her face. “I kissed John anb he started cryin!!!” she blubbered. “I didn’t mean to but I’m basically a sexual predator right now!”

  
_NO!!!! I WANTED YOU TO KISS ME!!!! YOU WERE ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD AT TELLING THAT I WANTED TO KISS YOU WITHOUT ME SAYING ANYTHING!!!!_

Emotions overwhelmed John so much that he could no longer even think in coherent words, and could only comprehend his feelings through [this image.](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/211/045/d84.jpg)

“Oh boy.” Karkat rolled his eyes. “All right, hold on.”

“DAVE!” He yelled. “I GOTTA TAKE CARE OF SOME BULLSHIT WITH JOHN AND ROXY, OKAY?”

John heard a faint “Cool, dude,” in the distance.

Karkat crouched by John and started petting him on the head.

“Shhhhhhoooooossshh,” he said. Karkat began gently papping his face.

Weirdly enough, John started to calm down. He could actually think again!

  
“Shoosh, shoosh, shoosh,” Karkat continued.

  
Roxy, at that moment, sniffled particularly loudly, causing John to burst out in tears again.

  
“SHOOOOSH!!!!!” Karkat said, papping the both of the vigorously.

  
Karkat shoosh-papped them for a while longer until John felt well enough to sit up again.

  
It was actually kind of amazing. He was completely melting down before, and thanks to Karkat, both he and Roxy felt calm enough to speak again!

  
“Karkat, wow, thank you!” John said. “I don’t know how you did that-”

  
“Meh.” Karkat shrugged.

  
Much calmer now, Roxy scooted over to face John.

  
“John, I really am sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t have kissed you without asking. Even though I thought I was gettin kiss vibes from you, and I wanted to make sure you got a first kiss, I should have checked before going at it. I let feelings get in the way of a totally good jam session.”

  
“Roxy, it’s nothing like that!” John replied. “I really did want to kiss you! You’re really pretty, and smart, and funny, and super badass. I…” John felt the words hitch in his throat. “I kind of like you! I just got a little overwhelmed, I think? And then you got upset and I started crying and then you started crying and-”

  
“Yeah, we get it, Egbert.” Karkat interrupted. “You two are fucking idiots.”

  
“So, you’re not upset?” Roxy asked.

  
“Nah, I’m just a little confused. To be fair, I kind of always am. But… I think you’re really cute!!! And for what it’s worth, I would totally kiss you again!”

  
“Aw…” Roxy said. “John, that’s really nice of you!”

  
“Okay, wrap it up you two!” Karkat said. “Are we done here? Cause I’ve gotta get back over to Dave.”

  
“Yeah, I think it’s-”

  
“Guys!”

  
John could see Jade sprinting towards them in the distance. She turned her head while running and said something to Dave, who left his position and followed after her.

  
POP! Dave and Jade popped in next to the three kids.

  
“Guys, something’s happening to Rose!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, two things, because this chapter requires some context.
> 
> John has adhd in herostuck. I’ve written him that way since the very first chapter. Here’s the thing about ADHD though; sometimes you just. start crying. like, when you have a strong emotion. USUALLY it doesn’t happen just because you’re happy but if sometimes if you have adhd and you just get really, really, confused, or just have a lot of feelings you kinda just start crying. like one time I just started crying at an apple. and then everyone else gets upset and then you get upset because you’re making them upset and then they get more upset and this goes on for like. Hours.
> 
> so yeah. this chapter is basically John’s ADHD manifesting and making everything a clusterfuck. until Karkat foxes it, cause yeah, those are his powers. Facilitating communication. kinda interesting that he needs to use his blood powers on the breath player, yeah? 
> 
> I recommend going back and reading herostuck knowing John has adhd! sheds some light on some stuff! anyway, hope you like this 413 update!


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